Six Years

Yesterday (August 15) was my husband and my sixth anniversary.

You can read about my fifth anniversary here.

My husband had a few errands to run and he took our son with him so I had more than five hours to myself. I didn't expect to be left alone morning but my plans didn't change in the slightest- I cleaned the whole house.
Yep, that's my gift to my husband- a thoroughly clean house.
It may not seem like much, but he likes his space to be clean. Something we've learned this past year is to appreciate the small things- the small kindnesses, the small acts of sweetness, the small gestures, the small considerations. Big gestures are nice but we're not always capable of those.
For example, I know my husband loves my son and I because he works hard every day. My husband knows I love him because I know it's important to him to have a clean kitchen so I take care to thoroughly clean it everyday. They're not glamorous things but they're tokens of our commitment to each other.  Overlooking the small, everyday things will cause you to be ungrateful and unsatisfied.

When we first started hanging out in January 2010 we would walk around downtown and in and out of shops. I had to get used to walking around with him- his height kept throwing me off. On one occasion we ended up in Sears and found our way to the furniture floor- specifically the couch section. We sat talking for a long time.
Last night we dropped our son off at my sister's, ate dinner, then strolled around the mall. We wound up in a department store and on a couch.
It was a selfie moment:

I remember sitting on those Sears couches and loving how witty and funny he was, enjoying the things he noticed and he way he put things.

As we continued to hang out there were things I liked about him- his love for God and his knowledge of the bible, this aloof quality he has that I find very attractive, his firm sense of logic, his equanimity, his gentleness- when we became a couple I began to love these things and they are the same things I love about him to this day. In all my time with him, from when we first started hanging out until now, I've just loved being around him. As the years roll on those first things get enforced and enforced again. We don't change like the world changes, we change the way God changes us- and He never changes us away from each other. We will never outgrow each other, we will never 'have different goals' or 'different paths' or whatever nonsense capricious people make up to justify breaking their commitment. 

Still and more so, we just love being together, we just love the simple things, we just take pleasure in being at home. While circumstances change and we are led through peaks and valleys, the first things remain unchanged: we love God and we love each other. 

In this sixth year of marriage I am grateful that God has taught us everything we need to know to get us to this point, He has led us here, He is holding us up, He has made it so that we are what we need to be for each other.
It has been said that a happy home is the closest thing to heaven on earth and I have to agree. Even though the circumstances of the home may not always be happy, we can still have the peace and pleasure we find in each other. 

God is so good!

Close to God

One of the traps we fall into as more mature Christians is thinking that we're close to God because we read our bible, pray every day, fast occasionally, go to church for every service, and generally avoid all appearance of evil.
Those are all good things, no question about it, but I'm realizing more and more that those things don't necessarily bring you close to God.
Have you ever been at some sort of a function and eaten whatever you wanted to to your hearts content? Burger, fries, pizza, baked potatoes, fried chicken, mashed potatoes, lasagna, washing it down with punch, and pop before downing ice cream cake, chocolate cake, cupcakes, cookies, donuts, and a sundae.
On the occasions I have allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted to I've felt incredibly fat and gross after. While all those things sound delicious and are delicious, you can generally only really enjoy them one at a time and in a moderate dose. You have to enjoy them properly.
I am relating eating all that 'good' stuff to doing all that 'good' (reading, praying, church going etc...) stuff in my life because I feel spiritually 'fat' afterwards but I am not nourished or any closer to God for them.

You wake up early on a Sunday, do your devotions, pray for the upcoming service, you put your best clothes on to go to the house of the Lord, you teach, you help out, you sing, you listen and learn, you stay late and fellowship and you feel all good about yourself but when you go home and really think about it, you're not much better off than you were while you were sleeping on Saturday night.
What did you really do by doing all that, who were you serving, who was it for? Did God really get the glory in it?
For me, and I'm willing to bet most christian's I know and fellowship with, I do those things because I like to, I enjoy it, it's part of my being.
I grew up going to church because my parents went to church and I had no choice. Now that I am an adult, I have my own relationship with Jesus and I go to church because its part of a healthy relationship with God, I love church, and I need church. Between growing up in church and choosing to continue to go now, I can say that going to church is who I am- it is apart of me and not being able to go would leave a very big hole in my life.
It's the same as reading my bible and studying it- it's part of who I am.
So if it's part of who I am, what I enjoy doing, is it really glorifying God? Is it really bringing me closer to Him?

What I have come to realize is that maintaining real and deep closeness to the Lord  empties you- it requires sacrifice. It's like being lean but fit.

And Ornan said unto David, Take it to

thee, and let my lord the king do that which

is good in his eyes: lo, I give thee the oxen

also for burnt offerings, and the threshing

instruments for wood, and the wheat for the

meat offering; I give it all.

And king David said to Ornan, nay; but I 

will verily buy it for the full price: for I will not

take that which is thine for the LORD, nor

offer burnt offerings without cost.

So David gave to Ornan for the place six

hundred shekels of gold by weight.

1 Chronicles 21:23-35

David wants to buy a threshing floor from Ornan to sacrifice to the Lord and Ornan tells him he will give him the threshing floor and the oxen for the sacrifice. David declines because it's not a true sacrifice to the Lord if it does not cost the one who is sacrificing anything.

And Elijah took twelve stones, according

to the number of the tribes of the sons of

Jacob, unto whom the word of the LORD

came, saying, Israel shall be thy name:

And with the stones he built an altar in

the name of the LORD: and he made a

trench about the altar, as great as would

contain two measures of see.

And he put the wood in order, and cut the

bullock in pieces, and laid him on the wood,

and said, fill four barrels with water, and

pour it on the burnt sacrifice, and on the

wood.

And he said, Do it the second time. And

they did it the second time. And he said, Do

it the third time. And they did it the third time.

And the water ran round the altar;

and he filled the trench also with water.

1 Kings 18:31-35

This takes place during a grievous drought; in a test to see which god is the true God, Elijah pours over the sacrifice the most precious commodity in the land- water. If you don't know the end of the account-

Then the fire of the LORD fell, and

consumed the burnt sacrifice, and the wood,

and the stones, and the dust, and licked up

the water that was in the trench.

And when all the people saw it, they fell

on their faces: and they said, The LORD, he is

the God; the LORD, he is the God.

1 Kings 18:38&39

Almost immediately after, there fell a 'great rain'. 

In both the accounts above it is evident that the Lord responds to real sacrifice and real sacrifice means that there is a cost involved- in David's case, money, in Elijah's case, water. 

I can say really easily that going to church, getting involved, reading my bible, praying, sometimes even fasting are easy for me to do. I have done all those things for years and they have become part of who I am- I am God's child, these are the things His children do if they want to be in fellowship with Him. However, being close to God requires sacrifice and while those things listed are good and edifying, oftentimes they do not require sacrifice.

My pastor spoke about rest in his Sunday morning sermon and he mentioned that that night (we don't have evening service one Sunday a month) he didn't intend to pick up his bible and read it.

I began to think about that and wonder if maybe I feel like I need to read the bible a lot because I'm trying to feel close to God. While he preached I found myself shamefully wondering if my constant need to read another chapter or get off alone to pray was a way for me to compensate for not being close to God.

God teaches me a lot, He's teaching me a lot right now, He's answering a lot of questions I have- which I will share eventually. But knowledge isn't evidence of closeness. Fellowship is not evidence of closeness. There are people in my church who I fellowship with, I love, I help but I am not close to them. That's fine, you can't be close to everybody but you should fellowship and be close to God.

I've been a Christian for years and I know what to do to be a 'good' christian. What I realized is that I want to be close to God but retain all my creature comforts. In other words, I don't want to sacrifice the things that make my flesh happy to be close to God. In other other words, I'm happy to do the easy things to be in fellowship with God but I am unwilling to make the little everyday sacrifices to walk closely with him.
I am unwilling to sacrifice my will for God's will.

On Youtube, for example, I was watching a Pokemon Go vlog because I'm not going to play the game but I was very curious about it. Of course I got hooked on the vlog and I had to watch the newest one every day. The videos averaged 15 minutes or so, there's no cussing in them, no graphic images, there is some blasphemy but not a lot, I really enjoyed them but I was under constant conviction that I should not watch them. Every time I would watch one I would think to myself that it's okay, I'm just taking a little break, this is harmless- except, God didn't want me to watch them.
At the end of the day it doesn't really matter why I shouldn't watch them and frankly I don't care why. It might seem like a trifle to others but it was preventing me from being close to God. It's not like I can apologize for watching it one day and then watch it the next day. It's either the vlog or my relationship with God. So I stopped watching it. It's not a big sacrifice or anything but it's me, sacrificing my will to God. I still want to watch them but I don't, that vlog is not worth my relationship with God.
Don't shake your head like these little things don't matter. If you obey in the small things, God will trust you with bigger things. If you're stuck in a rut in your Christian life, if you don't seem to be moving forward or being taught anything it's because you haven't done anything with what God has already put in front of you. As soon as I made up my mind just to stop watching, God taught me all this.
I know that is a silly, small example but it's the very thing that I am talking about in this post. The little everyday choices we make that either bring us close to God or take us away from Him.
Driving is another example- the speed limit is the law. Is your relationship with God really worth speeding? I like driving fast but my willingness to obey the speed limit is another small, everyday thing that will really show God whether you are serving yourself or serving Him.

The last time I fasted I tried to go for longer than I've ever fasted before (which is not that long by the way) and it was not easy at all. In those extra hours I fasted and it became a real sacrifice to refrain from eating, I finally learned that it's real sacrifice that draws you close to God.

Cry aloud, spare not, lift up thy voice like a

trumpet, and shew my people their 

transgression, and the house of Jacob their sins.

Yet they seek me daily, and delight to know

my ways, as a nation that did righteousness,

and forsook not the ordinance of their God:

they ask of me the ordinances of justice;

they take delight in approaching to God.

Wherefore have we fasted, say they, and

thou seest not? wherefore have we afflicted

our soul, and thou takest no knowledge?

Behold, in the day of your fast ye find

pleasure, and exact all your labours.

Behold, ye fast for strife and debate, and

to smite with the fist of wickedness: ye shall

not fast as ye do this day, to make your voice 

to be heard on high.

Is it such a fast that I have chosen? a day

for a man to afflict his soul? is it to bow

down his head as a bulrush, and to spread

sackcloth and ashes under him? wilt thou

call this a fast, and an acceptable day unto the

LORD?

Isaiah 58:1-5

The purpose of fasting is to starve your flesh and feed your spirit. Eating is a primal need, it's what keeps our physical bodies going and abstaining from that shows our flesh that it is inherently wicked, it needs to stave, it needs to die but we are stuck in it until our souls are called Home (Romans 8).

In the above passage, the people are fasting but to their own ends. They are not fasting to afflict their souls, bow down their heads, and mourn therefore God does not hear them, He does not regard their fasting, it's as if they're not fasting.
I am not saying God does not regard my going to church, reading, praying, fasting, etc. The fact is, that those things serve me as much as they are evidence of my serving God. It is no thing to me to go to church three times a week. I love the fellowship, singing hymns, I really love preaching, I love praying, I just love church. My going to church is not evidence that I am close to God- it may be to the world but I know it is not for me. My going to church is not a sacrifice for me. It is good, well pleasing to the Lord, but choosing to put on the breaks to go from 61 to 60 when the speed limit is 60 is a far greater token of my desire to be close to God. What's the point of going to church if I'm going to break the law all the way there?

If thou turn away thy foot from the

sabbath, from doing thy pleasure on my holy

day; and call the sabbath a delight, the holy

of the LORD, and honourable; and shalt honour

him, not doing thine own way, nor finding

thine own pleasure, nor speaking thine own

words:

Then shalt thou delight thyself in the

LORD; and I will cause thee to ride upon the

high places of the earth, and feed thee with

the heritage of Jacob thy father: for the

mouth of the LORD hath spoken it.

Isaiah 58:13&14

(side note, Isaiah 58 is a great chapter to read before or during a fast)

So though I do get up early and study, I take time to go to church and take steps to be involved in it, those things, while good, edifying, and fruitful do not necessarily bring me closer to God. 

The things that bring me closer to God are doing His way, finding His pleasure, and speaking His words in the little things that no one notices. God knows and He'll reward you for it up in Heaven.

It has only been a few days since I've really learned this but I've already noticed a greater peace and more security in knowing that I'm doing right.
I used to go through my whole day almost worrying that I wasn't in God's will and walking close to Him because I hadn't read my bible in the last two hours. Now, I know that if I just make the right decisions every minute and let God really and truly control my day, I will be close to Him even if I go 10 hours without reading.
This will go for everything except praying (we are instructed to pray without ceasing). If we just make His decisions instead of our own, we will read when we need to (extra reading beside set devotions), fast when we need to and as long as we need to, witness the right way, and be a bigger blessing and more fruitful at church.

He must increase, but I must decrease.

John 3:30

I hope I explained this right, and that it's a blessing to you!