We're adapting the best we can and it helps that our son is very flexible. All the changes mean he's been going to bed between nine and eleven o'clock most nights then getting up early. He's been a trooper about it. We've also been unable to attend the things we would normally attend which is kind of a bummer but it's just the reality of our situation right now.
People keep asking me how I feel about going back to work and I've been telling them that I'm still figuring out my feelings on the matter.
When it finally sunk in that I was going back to work I was absolutely wretched about it. It meant I had to leave my son and not be at home to take care of everything. As the time approached I began to be excited about the change- curious about what it would do to our family and interested to see what it would reveal about me. When work finally started, I found it very restful to be away. We were opening a brand new store which is very busy and exciting. Now that excitement of opening has died down, I find work a lot less restful and a lot more to worry about. We're having staffing issues so I'm unable to spend as much time in the backroom as I need to. There's also Christmas coming up and I hate Christmas in retail.
Part of me is pretty whiny about having to go back to work. Frankly it depresses me that I'm working again. When I left my job in January 2013, a month before I gave birth to my son, I intended never again to go to work. My 'job' would be taking care of my husband, baby, and home.
Now I'm back in a retail store, having to smile at customers, NOT looking forward to the craze of Christmas, and trying to do everything to the best I can do while many of my coworkers don't.
The fact is I don't want to work at all.
The other part of me, whenever I get complain-y in my mind, is ever there to chime in 'suck it up'. Working outside my home is not what I want but it is what is necessary right now. There are two women in my life right now that work out of necessity for their families. Every time I look at my schedule and heart drops at the hours I have to put in, I think of those two women- they do so much more than I do. We do what we have to do for our families and it does take self sacrifice. I'm very fortunate that my husband can watch my son most times and my sister is there to watch him when neither of us can (thanks so much, Aber).
I'm incredibly grateful for the women in my life and the way God points things out about them to me to give me perspective on things going on in my life. It's not a physical struggle I am going through with this. This is a mental struggle wherein I need to control my thoughts and keep my mind. The most helpful people when it comes to things going on in your mind are the people who don't really say or do anything to help you. I was down a little while ago and I was with a woman from church and she just told me about her experiences. She didn't advise me and tell me what to do. She just told me what had happened to her. It was all the strength I needed. When it comes to the ladies that are most helpful in getting my mind in the right place- they have never said anything, they just go quietly about their business serving God. They may never know what a blessing it is to me, how their sacrifices helped more than just their family. The biggest blessing about it, is that they're doing it when no one is watching, for no other reason than that its the right thing.
It is seriously the worst when people come up and give you all kinds of advice and all their 'knowledge' on things they really don't know about- because no one ever knows anything about what's going on with you. Inevitably when things are going wrong, people question whether you're in God's will or not or think you sinned so you're being punished. It makes it harder when you yourself keep asking those questions and God gives you an answer and you're sure of it. The woman who helped me on my down day told me one thing and it had nothing to do with me- 'we were right in the middle of God's will but we were struggling'. No one knows the recesses of someone else's mind. No one can know the deep dark thoughts, the questions, the tears, the struggles you go through just to get through a bad day. Yet they see small part of it at some point or another, put on the 'Holy Spirit' suit, and try to tell you what they think God wants you to hear. You. Don't. Know. You don't know the passages of scripture we read, what we pray for, the way God answers, the way God leads.
Unsolicited advice is never heeded- as I like to say and as many like to say. Just shut up and do right and you will encourage and influence the people who need it most.
And so, I am working because God put me there. The way the job came up, the way it was offered, the position I have, the experience that I have, have all clearly been designed by God.
There are three things lately that have put me in rough spots, spots I do not like, would never approve of, but God has given me the wisdom to see the good those things have done and the benefit to our family.
He always gives you the grace to do His will, and if you look at it His way instead of your own way, He'll teach you things and show you why you're there.
Over the last few weeks I've been able to spend lots of time in my backroom talking to my stock people and I've been able to share the gospel with three of them.
Going in, I knew my focus had to be winning souls and I forget where I was when this verse was read to me- either in church or a ladies bible study I've been going to:
For even the Son of man came not to be
ministered unto, but to minister, and to give
his life a ransom for many.
Mark 10:45
I'm not comparing myself to Christ and I'm not saying I'm giving my life for the people I'm working with.
When this was read to me I heard 'came not to be ministered unto, but to minister' and it occurred to me that that's why I'm working, I'm working where I'm working, and I'm working with the people I'm working with. I'm there to minister to others.
I hope this helps you in some small way.
