Six Years

Yesterday (August 15) was my husband and my sixth anniversary.

You can read about my fifth anniversary here.

My husband had a few errands to run and he took our son with him so I had more than five hours to myself. I didn't expect to be left alone morning but my plans didn't change in the slightest- I cleaned the whole house.
Yep, that's my gift to my husband- a thoroughly clean house.
It may not seem like much, but he likes his space to be clean. Something we've learned this past year is to appreciate the small things- the small kindnesses, the small acts of sweetness, the small gestures, the small considerations. Big gestures are nice but we're not always capable of those.
For example, I know my husband loves my son and I because he works hard every day. My husband knows I love him because I know it's important to him to have a clean kitchen so I take care to thoroughly clean it everyday. They're not glamorous things but they're tokens of our commitment to each other.  Overlooking the small, everyday things will cause you to be ungrateful and unsatisfied.

When we first started hanging out in January 2010 we would walk around downtown and in and out of shops. I had to get used to walking around with him- his height kept throwing me off. On one occasion we ended up in Sears and found our way to the furniture floor- specifically the couch section. We sat talking for a long time.
Last night we dropped our son off at my sister's, ate dinner, then strolled around the mall. We wound up in a department store and on a couch.
It was a selfie moment:

I remember sitting on those Sears couches and loving how witty and funny he was, enjoying the things he noticed and he way he put things.

As we continued to hang out there were things I liked about him- his love for God and his knowledge of the bible, this aloof quality he has that I find very attractive, his firm sense of logic, his equanimity, his gentleness- when we became a couple I began to love these things and they are the same things I love about him to this day. In all my time with him, from when we first started hanging out until now, I've just loved being around him. As the years roll on those first things get enforced and enforced again. We don't change like the world changes, we change the way God changes us- and He never changes us away from each other. We will never outgrow each other, we will never 'have different goals' or 'different paths' or whatever nonsense capricious people make up to justify breaking their commitment. 

Still and more so, we just love being together, we just love the simple things, we just take pleasure in being at home. While circumstances change and we are led through peaks and valleys, the first things remain unchanged: we love God and we love each other. 

In this sixth year of marriage I am grateful that God has taught us everything we need to know to get us to this point, He has led us here, He is holding us up, He has made it so that we are what we need to be for each other.
It has been said that a happy home is the closest thing to heaven on earth and I have to agree. Even though the circumstances of the home may not always be happy, we can still have the peace and pleasure we find in each other. 

God is so good!

Weed Your Garden

A few years ago I was tuned in to a live sermon on Sermon Audio and the preacher was talking about marriage. He was talking about dealing with issues that inevitably come up in marriage. He said we need to 'continually weed our garden' so that minor issues don't become bigger issues later on.
I always remember that phrase 'continually weed our garden' whenever something comes up in my marriage that I could either ignore or deal with.
I always deal with things that bug me now-whether internally or externally- it helps me keep a clear conscience toward my husband and limits our arguments.
If something is bothering me I have to examine myself to see if it's a problem on my end: did I misinterpret what he said, am I being oversensitive, is there a greater issue here, and things like that. If it passes the internal test then I'll calmly and rationally discuss it with him.
One day, after lots of petty arguments, my husband said to me, 'is there something else bothering you? You can't be getting mad at me for all these petty reasons'.
That was before I heard the garden analogy, no doubt it set me up to hear it with a deeper understanding, but it really got me thinking about what I was getting mad about. Was I mad about a big thing that was making me pick a bunch of small fights with him or am I just a contentious woman? More times than not it's a big thing that has festered in my mind for too long.

As I go through life I find myself weeding many gardens in many of my relationships. The fact is, people fail us, hurt us, irritate us, and so on. This tends to happen with the people we're around all the time- our spouse, family, extended family, close friends, even fellow church members.
It has often been said that the people closest to us hurt us the most but it has also been said that we are our own worst enemy. Most of the time there is something in us that is either offended for no reason or blowing something out of proportion. Before we ever point the finger elsewhere, we need to look inside.
Situations inevitably arise and we have to deal with them but there are a few things I always try to keep in mind when interacting with others whether they be unsaved or saved. The list following contains small things that turn into great hatred if they are allowed to continue unchecked. They are things we would be ashamed to admit, never really think about in our minds, but run rampant in our subconscious. If we keep the following under control and eliminate them from our lives, we'll get along better with everyone in our lives, and when someone does do something harmful to us, we'll be in the right and able to handle it with grace.

1- Are you envious at another person's freedom?
Do you go out of your way to wear dresses and skirts to church but someone else, who is not a new Christian, comes in wearing tight pants every service?
Does that bother you? Why should it bother you? If it bothers you then deeply consider your motives.
It really should not matter what someone else is wearing. I'm not saying tight clothing is appropriate church attire but evidently God is working on a matter of the heart with them and clothes aren't important at the moment. Whatever the case may be, it should not matter. Maybe it is bothering you because you don't have the freedom to dress that way.
I find this is a big one in churches. It may look like someone is looking down on you but really they regret not having the freedom you have. It may be what you are able to eat, who you are friends with, the fact that you feel strongly convicted about homeschooling and other parents freely drop their children off at public school.
I realize this may sound silly and petty but in a few cases in my life I've had to examine why I felt dislike toward someone and it was something as silly as what they could do and I could not.

Let not him that eateth despise him that

eateth not; and let not him which eateth

not judge him that eateth: for God hath

received him.

Who art thou that judgest another man's

servant? to his own master he standeth or

falleth. Yea, he shall be holden up: for God

is able to make him stand.

Romans 14:3&4

2- Are you envious at another person's possessions?
I think this happens to all of us- we see a thriving Christian or a wealthy unsaved family and wonder what they did to be blessed that way. The thing to remember is this: would you be willing to go through what that person went through to have the things they have today?
The religious leadership was envious at Jesus and look what they did to Him (see Matthew 27:18 and Mark 15:10). Envy is dangerous. Avoid it.

Let your conversation be without

covetousness; and be content with such

things as ye have: for he hath said, I will

never leave thee, nor forsake thee.

Hebrews 13:5

3- Are you promoting yourself?
When you see people talking together, do you think they are talking about you? When the preacher is giving an example during his preaching, do you think he's talking about you?  If you automatically think of yourself in situations like these it is a good indication that you are walking in your flesh, not the Spirit. Maybe someone says something like, 'I have a nice crockpot' and it may run through your mind, 'so mine isn't nice?' If that is the case, you are in your flesh. Perhaps someone did not smile at you when you smiled at them or they did not say hi to you when they came in.
All these situations revolve around you. If you find yourself getting offended in one of the ways listed above, you're putting yourself first.

Great peace have they which love thy

law: and nothing shall offend them.

Psalm 119:165

4- Do you worry that others are better than you?
Do they live in a better neighborhood, are they more athletic, do their children get along better than yours, are they more involved, do they know more hymns by heart, do they have a better job, and so on. When you start sizing people up, your heart is not in the right place.

Be kindly affectioned one to another

with brotherly love; in honour preferring

one another;

Romans 12:10

Let nothing be done through strife or

vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each

esteem other better than themselves.

Philippians 2:3

5- Does it bother you when no one compliments you?
Maybe you sang a solo, made three dishes for the potluck, or was a major part of the success of an event and not one person told you what a good job you did.
If it bothers you, you are most certainly in your flesh.

It is not good to eat much honey: so for

men to search their own glory is not glory.

Proverbs 25:27

Reading this list over makes me very amused because they're all such little things that make a difference.

There is obviously one thread that binds all five points together: pride.
All these things can be avoided if you have the scriptural view of yourself.

When pride cometh, then cometh shame:

but with the lowly is wisdom.

Proverbs 11:2

Trying to be better than others, thinking you are better than others will lead to shame. 

Only by pride cometh contention: but

with the well advised is wisdom.

Proverbs 13:10

The only reason there is ever contention is pride. Next time you're in an argument, shut down your pride and see what happens.

Pride goeth before destruction, and an

haughty spirit before a fall.

Proverbs 16:18

Your pride is not your friend. The scripture is very clear: it will destroy you.

But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he

saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth

grace unto the humble.

James 4:6

Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves

unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject

one to another, and be clothed with

humility: for God resisteth the proud, and

giveth grace to the humble.

Humble yourselves therefore under the

mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you

in due time:

Casting all your care upon him; for he

careth for you.

1 Peter 5:5-7

You don't need to dress in rags and have a long face to be humble. All you need to do is recognize who you are, what you deserve, and where you could've gone but for God's grace.

For ye see your calling, brethren, how

that not many wise men after the flesh, not

many mighty, not many noble, are called:

But God hath chosen the foolish things 

of the world to confound the wise; and God 

hath chosen the weak things of the world

to confound the things which are mighty;

and base things of the world, and things

which are despised, hath God chosen, yea,

and things which are not, to bring to

nought things that are:

that no flesh should glory in his presence.

1 Corinthians 1:26-29

That passage should easily put us all in our place.

Finally, how many times have you been in a bad mood and said something you did not mean? How many times did you put your foot in your mouth because you were caught up in the moment and not thinking? How many times have you misjudged a situation, acted impetuously, hastily, irrationally or inconsiderately without meaning to?

I do it all the time and I hope that the people around me most often will give me the benefit of the doubt that I don't mean any harm. The least I can do is afford that same kindness to others.

My pastor once said, 'the cause of Christ is greater'. How does it look to the world if we're squabbling and hating each other for no reason other than our pride? The world is full of hatred. The church should be one place where real love is. Christ loved us enough to die for us, the least we could do is die to ourselves for the sake of each other. 

Pull out pride by the roots and all will be well.

Let Us Reason with Four Year Olds

The other day while at the playground I was pushing my son on the swing.
On the swing next to us was a little boy, probably four years old, being pushed by his grandmother. I guess they had been using the swing for a while because the grandmother started to say, 'it's time to get off the swing' every few moments.
Each time, her grandson would decisively shake his head and say 'no!'
Well, this went on for a while and eventually the grandmother started to say things like, 'we've been on here a long time. Other kids want to swing. We need to share,'
Still, the child would not yield.
Then she started to say, 'sharing is caring,'
Yeah, that didn't work either.
She kept saying, 'sharing is caring' but finally she stopped pushing him and knelt down in front of him.
I did not catch everything she said. I did catch a lot of it, though, and what she was doing was negotiating with the boy.
The boy couldn't care less that he was being selfish and disobedient. He had no desire to 'share'- it wouldn't do him any good to see another child on the swing.
His grandmother knelt there talking to him about the need to share for a good five minutes. Finally she resorted to bribery-
'We can play here all day if you want to. If you get off now, you can play on it later on,' and so on.
I'm not sure what she said to make him get off but he finally did, and happily.

Frankly, that was a terrible display of authority.

First off, the boy clearly has no fear in him.

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom:

Psalm 111:10a, Proverbs 9:10a

There is such thing as healthy fear. The fear of God is the best fear anyone can have.
No, it's not God's fear, it is knowing exactly who God is, what He is capable of, and realizing that He will render to every man according to his work.
In other words- you transgress, you will be punished.
I expect my two year old to obey me. I know he won't always obey right away and with the right heart. I know he will do stupid things that are difficult for me to change because he isn't speaking much yet. However, my expectation that he must obey me is not unreasonable and not impossible.
From a young age we have taught our son that disobedience brings discipline.
One of the biggest things, to my husband and I, is that our son comes to us when we call him.
For a long time we would call his name and tell him to come but he would just stand there or continue with what he was doing.
One day, after the first time I called him, he did not listen so I immediately stood up and went to get him myself.
I disciplined him in love and, even though he's not perfect at it, more often then not he comes when we call him.
Think it's ridiculous for me to discipline a two year old for not obeying?
What if, one day, he's running straight toward a busy street, or a wall he can fall off of and I'm too far away to physically stop him? Being able to call his name and tell him to stop knowing he'll obey is a huge relief and blessing in that situation.
Training him early, during ordinary days, when it's not a matter of life and death will make a huge difference when it is.
The earlier you teach them that sin has repercussions, the easier, safer, happier it is later on.

Happy is the man that feareth alway;

Proverbs 28:14a

We do not think of fear bringing happiness, but the fear of the Lord can and will.

I am so happy when my son obeys me, and my happiness effects him and he becomes happy.

 A happy child knows what to do and that they are doing right. Training a child to fear authority gives them security and confidence.

By mercy and truth iniquity is purged:

and by the fear of the Lord men depart

from evil.

Proverbs 16:6

Secondly, that grandmother had no sense of authority.

Children, obey your parents

in the Lord: for this is right.

Ephesians 6:1

That grandmother was reasoning with a four year old.
Reasoning.
With a four year old.
They are very cute and sweet but logic and reason are not developed yet.
On Sunday I asked one of my students, a four year old, to join the others on the couch.
He just sat there angrily with his arms crossed.
I knelt in front of him and said, 'Am I your teacher?'
He said yes.
I asked, 'Are you supposed to obey your teacher?'
He said yes.
I said, 'will you please sit on the couch?'
And he complied.
I've watched his mother kneel in front of him to tell him that I am his teacher and he must obey me.
She gave me the right to instruct her children.
This student's parents teach their children about authority. The children know that they must be in subjection to their parents. The parents recognize their God given task of training their children and the authority that comes with that.
Both the parents and the children know their places- parents are the authority under God, the children are to obey.
I did not have to reason with him or bribe him into obeying, I simply had to remind him of the authority I have over him during Sunday School.
God put parents in charge. Parents have the freedom to hand over that authority to grandparents, baby sitters, Sunday school teachers and so forth.
That grandmother had no authority behind her because she did not recognize that her authority is God given and right. She approached the child like he was almost her equal.
Instead of suggesting it was time to get off the swing, she should have told him it was time. Instead of continuing to push him, she should have stopped the swing. Those small thing prove authority and shows the child who is in control.

Thirdly, the child had no sense of obedience
Clearly, the child is given the right to make most of the decisions.
'Which do you want, what would you like to eat, where would you like to sit, what do you want to do,'
Learning to be decisive and make choices are good things. We let our son pick out things when we can. However, we do not let him dictate what we are going to do- especially if he is trying to get his way by throwing a fit.
As parents it's our job to lead our children in the right things to do. For example, setting an example of family devotions. I realize that it can be very tedious to a child but family devotions could be the difference in your child's decision to serve God and reject the world. It made that difference in my life.
Sometimes Bo points to the TV and wants to watch, I often say no. It probably wouldn't be a bad thing for him to watch and it may give me a few minutes to get something finished, but I do not want him thinking he can choose to watch TV and I will comply. It gives him the idea that he is in charge. He needs to recognize, even at two, that he will not control what happens. He certainly effects what happens, but what we do will be decided by mom and dad because we know best (or at least better).
Not only that, TV isn't good for you. I'd rather he play with his toys to let his imagination and creativity flourish.
Yes, he is only two and does not understand that, but I tell you, it's easy at the mall when we walk by a toy store to say 'no, we're not going inside'. Though he may not like it, he listens (a lot of the time, not every time) because he's used to being told 'no'.
I am certainly not advocating saying 'no' for 'no's sake'. I am saying, use discretion and train your children to recognize that you are in authority, you know best, and they must learn to take no as an answer even when they do not understand.
The child must also learn that there are things we must do, even when they are not fun. Those things help us grow.
For example: I love volleyball. I played it throughout high school on teams and briefly on a club. The thing is, there are a lot of things I did not enjoy about playing for organized teams:
conditioning, tedious drills, getting benched.
Conditioning is hard work, doing the same drill for an hour is boring, and getting benched is frustrating and maddening.
But you know what? those things made me grow as a player.
Had I just gotten friends together and played I would not have grown as a player as I did with a professional coach making me do the boring stuff.
Getting benched makes real athletes mad. It forces us, though, to analyze ourselves honestly and improve the weak areas of our game.
Sharing the swing would not have been fun for the boy but it would have helped him grow as a person. He may have learned to take joy in making others happy or developed the strength to be considerate. Instead, he extracted a bribe from his grandmother to ensure his happiness continued.
Did he learn anything?
Yes he did- that if you hold out long enough you can have your cake and eat it too.

Train up a child in the way

he should go: and when he is

old, he will not depart from it.

Proverbs 22:6

That is a wonderful promise. Put in the work now while it is time. Look well to the ways of your household (Proverbs 31), and chasten thy son while there is yet hope (Proverbs 19:18). This will give you joy in your later years and your child will rise up and call you blessed (Proverbs 31). Remember, a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame (Proverbs 29:15).

Guard your children from the world. Take care to correct their ways, with mercy, truth, and grace. God will bless your efforts and you will have an eternal reward.

Train Up a Child

I am momma to a very sweet little boy named Boaz. We call him Bo.
I'm not saying he's sweet because he's my son. I'm saying he's sweet because he is sweet.
The child makes almost everyone smile. He flirts with cashiers at the grocery store, he waves at trucks, he smiles and chats with waitresses, and he plays well with other children.

He's always been a very happy child. I was once told that it was a result of my being very calm during pregnancy. I was calm during pregnancy (maybe too calm?) but I cannot verify this statement.
I want him to retain that happiness. Life won't always be easy for him. He will, Lord willing, grow up to have responsibilities and challenges. As his mother, I want him to enjoy the time he has as a carefree child.

Here are a few things I do to make sure my son is happy and content:
1) Spend quality time with him- Since his birth I've learned that I need to take time, sit on the floor, and play with him. Sometimes we sit on my bed in the dark and play with flashlights or create pillow mountains to climb over. Sometimes we play with his cars, sometimes we read or do puzzles.
He knows he is loved because I give him my time. It's not just quality ten to fifteen minutes here and there. It is a few hours here and there. Quantity is just as important as quality when it comes to your child.

2) Training- If you want a confident child, train them. Boaz does not melt down when I don't do something for him right away. Why? I've trained him to wait.
If I am folding laundry or making dinner and he comes up to me wanting a drink I do not stop what I'm doing to accommodate him. I make sure he knows I've heard him but I finish the task in my hand before I help him. (I help him right away in emergencies, if you were wondering)
This encompasses every area of life- sitting still for more than a second, eating, being quiet, listening the first time- your child will be much happier when there are established rules they can be guided by.
Training starts at home. Don't wait until you're at the mall to start teaching your children what you expect from them.

3) Be consistent- sometimes I am lazy and I just want to let things go. It never ends well. My son needs me to consistently lay down the rules and correct bad behavior.

If he misbehaves in the morning and receives swift and just punishment, I usually don't have to correct him again that day.

It is never too early to teach our children about the consequences of sin. It is paramount in their path to salvation.

I've heard other parents say it- the earlier you start and the more consistent you are: the less you will need to correct their behavior as they grow. It will be trained into them.

4) Do things just for them- I always stop at construction sites so Bo can watch what's going on. He absolutely loves it.
I let him play in those mini-mall-rides because he loves it- especially the Lightning McQueen at the Walmart we go to.
I always share my dessert with him.
I say yes whenever I can.
I give him freedom to choose when I can.
When possible, I let him roam free and explore.
I take him to the park to play everyday.
I've known a lot of parents who say no for no's sake. I've seen first hand how a deprived child dives right into those forbidden things and ruins their lives in them.
Life is short and childhood is fleeting. I try to let my son fill up on the good things he loves.
A lot of being a toddler is being told 'no' and 'stop'. As adults we don't like that, our children are no different. It just creates rebellion in them. By allowing them freedom when we can, we give them an outlet for all the things we can't give them.
Most of the time, when it's time to leave the park or stop what we've been doing, he's okay with it. By now he knows that we didn't have to stop to do this or that for him. He knows that we give him these things when we can and that there will always (Lord willing) be a next time.

5) Teach them from the Bible- The fact is, we are fallible. The Bible is not. By teaching our children that we are subject to an infallible authority, we are teaching them that we are accountable for what we do as parents.
If we can show that we are ruled by the bible and are humble enough to be corrected by it, our children will learn to trust us and be more open to listening to us.

I could probably go into more things but the five above are the things to focus on when your child is young. Establishing these things early helps create a good environment for you child and makes it the 'norm' around your home.
Remember:

A happy home is the closest thing to heaven on earth.

And remember too:

Train up a child in the way he should go:

and when he is old, he will not depart from

it.

Proverbs 22:6

That there is a promise but you have to put in the work.

Don't leave it to the world, school, church, and chance to train your children.

She looketh well to the ways of her

household, and eateth not the bread of

idleness.

Her children arise up, and call her

blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth

her.

Proverbs 31:27&28

There. Right there in God's Word it tells us that if we 'look well' to what our children are doing, our children will grow up and call us blessed.

No it's not easy but it is so worth it.

Show Him you Love Him

I'm not exactly Wife of the Year.
I make a lot of mistakes and they all boil down to selfishness and pride.
I've picked up a few hacks in my four in a half years of marriage and I thought I'd share them for anyone reading. These are all tangible ways to show your husband that you love and consider him. They go hand in hand with pursuing peace by not nagging him.

1) Get up and greet him
It occurred to me one day that I used to always get up and greet my husband. Between breast feeding and cooking it got lost and I found I was waiting for him to come over and greet me.
Now no matter what I'm doing I always stop to go to him and give him a kiss.
I know this may sound ridiculous to a newly wed but any experienced spouse knows: after the honeymoon life takes over and you get busy.
Make sure to give him a good kiss when he gets home. It may be the only one you get a chance to give him until you go to bed.

2) Shave your legs
This is something my husband really appreciates. He does not like spiky legs. He does not mind if I let my armpits go, but my legs are another story. I need to clarify: He is not grossed out by unshaved legs and he does not get angry if I do not shave them. He likes soft legs, who can blame him? And honestly, I don't mind shaving my legs in the middle of winter just for him. I know it's not a waste of time. This is kind of like someone holding the door for you- it's considerate and you appreciate it.
My point here is: find out what your husband likes and make it happen.
He likes you wearing makeup- wear it
He likes a certain scent- make an effort to spray it on
He likes long hair- let it grow

3) Cook his favourite food
This is kind of tough sometimes because it might mean barbeque chicken with potato salad and macaroni and cheese. Fat, sugar, and carbs all rolled into one. Your man will love it though. After a hard day's work, coming home to find you made a dinner completely inspired by him will erase 99% of his stress.

As wives it is our job to build up our husband. Our marriages will not last if we are selfish. Small things like those mentioned above will make a world of difference in your marriage. Letting your husband know he is appreciated and important to you will help your marriage to last.