Let Us Reason with Four Year Olds

The other day while at the playground I was pushing my son on the swing.
On the swing next to us was a little boy, probably four years old, being pushed by his grandmother. I guess they had been using the swing for a while because the grandmother started to say, 'it's time to get off the swing' every few moments.
Each time, her grandson would decisively shake his head and say 'no!'
Well, this went on for a while and eventually the grandmother started to say things like, 'we've been on here a long time. Other kids want to swing. We need to share,'
Still, the child would not yield.
Then she started to say, 'sharing is caring,'
Yeah, that didn't work either.
She kept saying, 'sharing is caring' but finally she stopped pushing him and knelt down in front of him.
I did not catch everything she said. I did catch a lot of it, though, and what she was doing was negotiating with the boy.
The boy couldn't care less that he was being selfish and disobedient. He had no desire to 'share'- it wouldn't do him any good to see another child on the swing.
His grandmother knelt there talking to him about the need to share for a good five minutes. Finally she resorted to bribery-
'We can play here all day if you want to. If you get off now, you can play on it later on,' and so on.
I'm not sure what she said to make him get off but he finally did, and happily.

Frankly, that was a terrible display of authority.

First off, the boy clearly has no fear in him.

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom:

Psalm 111:10a, Proverbs 9:10a

There is such thing as healthy fear. The fear of God is the best fear anyone can have.
No, it's not God's fear, it is knowing exactly who God is, what He is capable of, and realizing that He will render to every man according to his work.
In other words- you transgress, you will be punished.
I expect my two year old to obey me. I know he won't always obey right away and with the right heart. I know he will do stupid things that are difficult for me to change because he isn't speaking much yet. However, my expectation that he must obey me is not unreasonable and not impossible.
From a young age we have taught our son that disobedience brings discipline.
One of the biggest things, to my husband and I, is that our son comes to us when we call him.
For a long time we would call his name and tell him to come but he would just stand there or continue with what he was doing.
One day, after the first time I called him, he did not listen so I immediately stood up and went to get him myself.
I disciplined him in love and, even though he's not perfect at it, more often then not he comes when we call him.
Think it's ridiculous for me to discipline a two year old for not obeying?
What if, one day, he's running straight toward a busy street, or a wall he can fall off of and I'm too far away to physically stop him? Being able to call his name and tell him to stop knowing he'll obey is a huge relief and blessing in that situation.
Training him early, during ordinary days, when it's not a matter of life and death will make a huge difference when it is.
The earlier you teach them that sin has repercussions, the easier, safer, happier it is later on.

Happy is the man that feareth alway;

Proverbs 28:14a

We do not think of fear bringing happiness, but the fear of the Lord can and will.

I am so happy when my son obeys me, and my happiness effects him and he becomes happy.

 A happy child knows what to do and that they are doing right. Training a child to fear authority gives them security and confidence.

By mercy and truth iniquity is purged:

and by the fear of the Lord men depart

from evil.

Proverbs 16:6

Secondly, that grandmother had no sense of authority.

Children, obey your parents

in the Lord: for this is right.

Ephesians 6:1

That grandmother was reasoning with a four year old.
Reasoning.
With a four year old.
They are very cute and sweet but logic and reason are not developed yet.
On Sunday I asked one of my students, a four year old, to join the others on the couch.
He just sat there angrily with his arms crossed.
I knelt in front of him and said, 'Am I your teacher?'
He said yes.
I asked, 'Are you supposed to obey your teacher?'
He said yes.
I said, 'will you please sit on the couch?'
And he complied.
I've watched his mother kneel in front of him to tell him that I am his teacher and he must obey me.
She gave me the right to instruct her children.
This student's parents teach their children about authority. The children know that they must be in subjection to their parents. The parents recognize their God given task of training their children and the authority that comes with that.
Both the parents and the children know their places- parents are the authority under God, the children are to obey.
I did not have to reason with him or bribe him into obeying, I simply had to remind him of the authority I have over him during Sunday School.
God put parents in charge. Parents have the freedom to hand over that authority to grandparents, baby sitters, Sunday school teachers and so forth.
That grandmother had no authority behind her because she did not recognize that her authority is God given and right. She approached the child like he was almost her equal.
Instead of suggesting it was time to get off the swing, she should have told him it was time. Instead of continuing to push him, she should have stopped the swing. Those small thing prove authority and shows the child who is in control.

Thirdly, the child had no sense of obedience
Clearly, the child is given the right to make most of the decisions.
'Which do you want, what would you like to eat, where would you like to sit, what do you want to do,'
Learning to be decisive and make choices are good things. We let our son pick out things when we can. However, we do not let him dictate what we are going to do- especially if he is trying to get his way by throwing a fit.
As parents it's our job to lead our children in the right things to do. For example, setting an example of family devotions. I realize that it can be very tedious to a child but family devotions could be the difference in your child's decision to serve God and reject the world. It made that difference in my life.
Sometimes Bo points to the TV and wants to watch, I often say no. It probably wouldn't be a bad thing for him to watch and it may give me a few minutes to get something finished, but I do not want him thinking he can choose to watch TV and I will comply. It gives him the idea that he is in charge. He needs to recognize, even at two, that he will not control what happens. He certainly effects what happens, but what we do will be decided by mom and dad because we know best (or at least better).
Not only that, TV isn't good for you. I'd rather he play with his toys to let his imagination and creativity flourish.
Yes, he is only two and does not understand that, but I tell you, it's easy at the mall when we walk by a toy store to say 'no, we're not going inside'. Though he may not like it, he listens (a lot of the time, not every time) because he's used to being told 'no'.
I am certainly not advocating saying 'no' for 'no's sake'. I am saying, use discretion and train your children to recognize that you are in authority, you know best, and they must learn to take no as an answer even when they do not understand.
The child must also learn that there are things we must do, even when they are not fun. Those things help us grow.
For example: I love volleyball. I played it throughout high school on teams and briefly on a club. The thing is, there are a lot of things I did not enjoy about playing for organized teams:
conditioning, tedious drills, getting benched.
Conditioning is hard work, doing the same drill for an hour is boring, and getting benched is frustrating and maddening.
But you know what? those things made me grow as a player.
Had I just gotten friends together and played I would not have grown as a player as I did with a professional coach making me do the boring stuff.
Getting benched makes real athletes mad. It forces us, though, to analyze ourselves honestly and improve the weak areas of our game.
Sharing the swing would not have been fun for the boy but it would have helped him grow as a person. He may have learned to take joy in making others happy or developed the strength to be considerate. Instead, he extracted a bribe from his grandmother to ensure his happiness continued.
Did he learn anything?
Yes he did- that if you hold out long enough you can have your cake and eat it too.

Train up a child in the way

he should go: and when he is

old, he will not depart from it.

Proverbs 22:6

That is a wonderful promise. Put in the work now while it is time. Look well to the ways of your household (Proverbs 31), and chasten thy son while there is yet hope (Proverbs 19:18). This will give you joy in your later years and your child will rise up and call you blessed (Proverbs 31). Remember, a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame (Proverbs 29:15).

Guard your children from the world. Take care to correct their ways, with mercy, truth, and grace. God will bless your efforts and you will have an eternal reward.