I can't speak for others- no matter what impression they give- but more on that later.
Today I'm not talking about self control and things that you must control.
I control myself, my household, and my son (not really but you know what I mean). Controlling myself is a giant task, by household I mean the physical things like cooking, cleaning, making sure everyone has clean clothes, etc, and I am the primary caretaker of my son which eventually means I'll be supervising his education. These are things that I am given to control and I am not talking about those things today.
Today I am talking about things we are not given to control but try to any way.
I think there is that tendency in many people to try to subtly control everything around them. We generally- whether we want to admit it or not- think- consciously or sub consciously- we know best, the right way, how it should be, etc.
For example: we just moved and there are a few different ways to get to church.
When I drive to church I turn right off our street and head straight to the highway.
My husband turns left and drives down a residential street to a big street and then to the highway.
Of course I think my way is more efficient and less annoying but we've never timed the routes so we can't know for sure.
I know my husband well enough to know why he takes the route he does, but when we're running late I can't help but feel that rise of irritation at the (possibly) longer route to church. Its a very small thing and I just squash the annoyance when it comes up but it is a constant reminder of how strongly I think my ways are superior and how much I like to be in control.
That is the kind of thing I am talking about in this post: those little things that come out occasionally that can only be explained by the fact that we need to control everything around us. The above example has never brought about an argument between us- because I just let it go- but there have been plenty of similarly small things that I've commented on in the wrong tone with the wrong spirit and ka-boom.
When I drive to church I turn right off our street and head straight to the highway.
My husband turns left and drives down a residential street to a big street and then to the highway.
Of course I think my way is more efficient and less annoying but we've never timed the routes so we can't know for sure.
I know my husband well enough to know why he takes the route he does, but when we're running late I can't help but feel that rise of irritation at the (possibly) longer route to church. Its a very small thing and I just squash the annoyance when it comes up but it is a constant reminder of how strongly I think my ways are superior and how much I like to be in control.
That is the kind of thing I am talking about in this post: those little things that come out occasionally that can only be explained by the fact that we need to control everything around us. The above example has never brought about an argument between us- because I just let it go- but there have been plenty of similarly small things that I've commented on in the wrong tone with the wrong spirit and ka-boom.
One time I was called on to testify about God's tender mercies in front of my church (not my current church)- tender mercies being the little blessings and mercy drops God daily bestows. I had a week to prepare and different examples came to mind- one in particular was about sometimes missing the sky train on my way home from church. I'd have to wait ten minutes sometimes for the next train but when it came it was usually almost empty (SUCH a blessing on an almost 45 min train ride with an active toddler). I don't remember my exact reasoning for not using that one, I think I thought it was bridging on obsequious, but I didn't use it and once my testimony was done I knew I was wrong not to. People came up and thanked me for the testimony but that didn't ease my guilt. I ultimately knew that trying to control the message of the testimony prevented me from really glorifying God and really giving a true testimony.
I believe this is happening more and more in churches where preachers are trying to be 'politically correct' and going out of their way to avoid offending people. Paul said this to the church at Ephesus:
For I have not shunned to declare unto you all the
counsel of God.
Acts 20:27
The most powerless preaching I've heard happens when the preacher tries to tailor the message to the congregation. Seriously, just preach the what God gave you, how He gave it to you.
Sunday was Valentine's Day and my preacher did not have a message about love- and praise God for that. As another preacher said, 'Praise God for preachers who go to their knees and not a calendar to find out what to preach'.
Back to my controlling ways and speaking of preaching: I used to listen to preaching rather critically. I would create lists in my mind of BETTER verses the preacher could have used, a better route he could've taken in the message, and things like that. (I never vocalized it) I can't tell you how it happened but one day I just stopped.
I think it had to do with me really learning what real submission is. God gave that sermon, to that preacher, to preach that way, knowing I would be in the congregation listening that Sunday.
I'm only responsible for what I learn from that sermon. If God gave that sermon to that preacher and the preacher did not preach what God really wanted him to preach it's none of my business and God will deal with him.
At the heart of the matter was that I thought all preaching should be powerful, hard, and sharp- the kind of preaching that is so convicting it makes you want to throw up. I've since learned that there is a time for that, there are people who need that, and there are people who that will strengthen and edify all the time. Some people can only take that once in a while.
Deep inside, I wanted to control what was being preached to me because I thought I knew best. Now I sit down for preaching completely focused on myself and what I need from it. My mind is peaceful and I learn so much more.
My husband doesn't try to control me- he governs our home, sets the boundaries, leads us but he does not tell me what to do. On the other hand, I am always tempted to tell him how he should do things, when he should do things, and so on. I realized early on that if we were ever going to be happy I had to just let him be- he knows what he has to do, how to do it, and when to do it- he's a big boy, he's fine.
He is currently starting his own business and he talks to me about almost every aspect of it. I just listen to him and only give my opinion when he asks for it. Now, I have a lot to say about things and I could tell him exactly how to do everything he talks to me about but I don't because I'm not the one starting the business, I'm not the one doing the work, and I'm not in charge of finances.
He is currently starting his own business and he talks to me about almost every aspect of it. I just listen to him and only give my opinion when he asks for it. Now, I have a lot to say about things and I could tell him exactly how to do everything he talks to me about but I don't because I'm not the one starting the business, I'm not the one doing the work, and I'm not in charge of finances.
It's like Mary and Joseph when the angel told them to flee to Egypt:
And when they [the wise men] were departed, behold, the angel
of the Lord appeareth to Joseph in a dream, saying,
arise, and take the young child and his mother, and
flee into Egypt, and be thou there until I bring the
word: for Herod will seek the young child to destroy him.
When he arose, he took the young child and his
mother by night, and departed into Egypt:
Matthew 2:13&14
If it was my husband and I, I'd be thinking 'do we really have to leave TONIGHT? I'm sure the angel didn't mean for us to leave right away. Can't we go tomorrow? and so on and so forth and what have you...'
Again if it was M in Jospeh's place I'd have to remember that the angel appeared to HIM and not me for a reason and I have no say in the decision about when to leave. God chose him.
This thought process keeps our marriage peaceful and it allows me to be happy in my marriage.
Lastly, other people.
I think we drive ourselves mad trying to give the right impression of ourselves and beat ourselves up when we fail. We want others to see us for what we are and what we do.
I worked for a company that was very big on being bright and bubbly. I am not bright or bubbly. In high school my basketball coach told me I have 'this poker face' (his words) that makes everyone think I'm angry. I also think, based on all the times I got written up for not having the right face on (not kidding), that something about my natural expression gives the impression that I'm not approachable and affable. Working for that company showed me that, despite what I know inside me about myself, what is inside will never fully show on the outside. (I'm talking about character and personality here. Hidden sin in the heart will always manifest on the outside if not dealt with)
Recently a man left a message on my husbands phone. We listened to it and thought he sounded angry and rude. A few weeks later- when moving calmed down- we listened to it again (the same message!) and he sounded pleasant and friendly. What people see of you is coloured by what they are themselves, their mood, and how they feel about you. No matter what you do, people will never think of you the way you want to be thought of.
Lastly, other people.
I think we drive ourselves mad trying to give the right impression of ourselves and beat ourselves up when we fail. We want others to see us for what we are and what we do.
I worked for a company that was very big on being bright and bubbly. I am not bright or bubbly. In high school my basketball coach told me I have 'this poker face' (his words) that makes everyone think I'm angry. I also think, based on all the times I got written up for not having the right face on (not kidding), that something about my natural expression gives the impression that I'm not approachable and affable. Working for that company showed me that, despite what I know inside me about myself, what is inside will never fully show on the outside. (I'm talking about character and personality here. Hidden sin in the heart will always manifest on the outside if not dealt with)
Recently a man left a message on my husbands phone. We listened to it and thought he sounded angry and rude. A few weeks later- when moving calmed down- we listened to it again (the same message!) and he sounded pleasant and friendly. What people see of you is coloured by what they are themselves, their mood, and how they feel about you. No matter what you do, people will never think of you the way you want to be thought of.
A long time ago I was watching an interview with a former basketball player who won the NBA Championship. The interviewer asked why this man does not wear his ring.
The basketball player said, "I don't need to wear it. I know what I did."
That's become my attitude about who I really am and what I really do.
I know what I am, I know what I do, and more importantly, God knows.
God shows me where to change and and gives me grace to grow.
I am not saying, just be who you are and don't consider others. That is not what God wants- read Romans 14 for more.
Be kind, watch what you say, dress appropriately, take care of the things God gives you- but don't go out of your way just to prove you're smart/ talented/ quick witted etc.
When I was in grade five I wrote a paper and I mentioned I had a second cousin who rowed in the olympics. My teacher crossed that whole paragraph out. There was no point in me adding it to my paper except to show that I had a talented cousin. Similarly I've said a lot of things and done many things just to show who I think I am and what I think I can do. There's no point. It's just the pride of life.
The other thing is, if I know people will give themselves their own impression of me, then I have to be gracious and allow that I will never have the right impression of them. I can't control their thoughts about me but I can control my thoughts on them.
My rule now is not to think about people, not to take things personally, and just let everything be.
I pray for people, I try to be helpful, I try to love be and kind to everyone but I will not spend any time dissecting someone's words or actions.
It can be hard sometimes but:
The basketball player said, "I don't need to wear it. I know what I did."
That's become my attitude about who I really am and what I really do.
I know what I am, I know what I do, and more importantly, God knows.
God shows me where to change and and gives me grace to grow.
I am not saying, just be who you are and don't consider others. That is not what God wants- read Romans 14 for more.
Be kind, watch what you say, dress appropriately, take care of the things God gives you- but don't go out of your way just to prove you're smart/ talented/ quick witted etc.
When I was in grade five I wrote a paper and I mentioned I had a second cousin who rowed in the olympics. My teacher crossed that whole paragraph out. There was no point in me adding it to my paper except to show that I had a talented cousin. Similarly I've said a lot of things and done many things just to show who I think I am and what I think I can do. There's no point. It's just the pride of life.
The other thing is, if I know people will give themselves their own impression of me, then I have to be gracious and allow that I will never have the right impression of them. I can't control their thoughts about me but I can control my thoughts on them.
My rule now is not to think about people, not to take things personally, and just let everything be.
I pray for people, I try to be helpful, I try to love be and kind to everyone but I will not spend any time dissecting someone's words or actions.
It can be hard sometimes but:
I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you that
ye walk worthy of the vocation wherewith ye are called,
With all lowliness and meekness, with
long suffering, forbearing one another in love;
Endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the
bond of peace.
Ephesians 4:3
and:
And above all things have fervent charity among
yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of
sins.
1 Peter 4:8
Charity does many things (see 1 Corinthians 13) and its not something you just have. Charity comes from God. Charity is selfless and that's what it takes to give up yourself up and allow others to have their way and their mind.
A preacher once said, 'you are who you are when you won't get caught'. With that in mind, know who you really are, humble yourself, and keep your eyes and your pencil on your own paper.
This topic has been on my mind for a while and as I said earlier, it's taken a few tries to write. What I hope to convey is that you are so much freer and happier when you wholly give up what you can't control.
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