Suck It Up

So in case you haven't noticed, things have changed a lot for my family and I since the beginning of September.
We're adapting the best we can and it helps that our son is very flexible. All the changes mean he's been going to bed between nine and eleven o'clock most nights then getting up early. He's been a trooper about it. We've also been unable to attend the things we would normally attend which is kind of a bummer but it's just the reality of our situation right now.

People keep asking me how I feel about going back to work and I've been telling them that I'm still figuring out my feelings on the matter.
When it finally sunk in that I was going back to work I was absolutely wretched about it. It meant I had to leave my son and not be at home to take care of everything. As the time approached I began to be excited about the change- curious about what it would do to our family and interested to see what it would reveal about me. When work finally started, I found it very restful to be away. We were opening a brand new store which is very busy and exciting. Now that excitement of opening has died down, I find work a lot less restful and a lot more to worry about. We're having staffing issues so I'm unable to spend as much time in the backroom as I need to. There's also Christmas coming up and I hate Christmas in retail.
Part of me is pretty whiny about having to go back to work. Frankly it depresses me that I'm working again. When I left my job in January 2013, a month before I gave birth to my son, I intended never again to go to work. My 'job' would be taking care of my husband, baby, and home.
Now I'm back in a retail store, having to smile at customers, NOT looking forward to the craze of Christmas, and trying to do everything to the best I can do while many of my coworkers don't.
The fact is I don't want to work at all.
The other part of me, whenever I get complain-y in my mind, is ever there to chime in 'suck it up'. Working outside my home is not what I want but it is what is necessary right now. There are two women in my life right now that work out of necessity for their families. Every time I look at my schedule and heart drops at the hours I have to put in, I think of those two women- they do so much more than I do. We do what we have to do for our families and it does take self sacrifice. I'm very fortunate that my husband can watch my son most times and my sister is there to watch him when neither of us can (thanks so much, Aber).
I'm incredibly grateful for the women in my life and the way God points things out about them to me to give me perspective on things going on in my life. It's not a physical struggle I am going through with this. This is a mental struggle wherein I need to control my thoughts and keep my mind. The most helpful people when it comes to things going on in your mind are the people who don't really say or do anything to help you. I was down a little while ago and I was with a woman from church and she just told me about her experiences. She didn't advise me and tell me what to do. She just told me what had happened to her. It was all the strength I needed. When it comes to the ladies that are most helpful in getting my mind in the right place- they have never said anything, they just go quietly about their business serving God. They may never know what a blessing it is to me, how their sacrifices helped more than just their family. The biggest blessing about it, is that they're doing it when no one is watching, for no other reason than that its the right thing.
It is seriously the worst when people come up and give you all kinds of advice and all their 'knowledge' on things they really don't know about- because no one ever knows anything about what's going on with you. Inevitably when things are going wrong, people question whether you're in God's will or not or think you sinned so you're being punished. It makes it harder when you yourself keep asking those questions and God gives you an answer and you're sure of it. The woman who helped me on my down day told me one thing and it had nothing to do with me- 'we were right in the middle of God's will but we were struggling'. No one knows the recesses of someone else's mind. No one can know the deep dark thoughts, the questions, the tears, the struggles you go through just to get through a bad day. Yet they see small part of it at some point or another, put on the 'Holy Spirit' suit, and try to tell you what they think God wants you to hear. You. Don't. Know. You don't know the passages of scripture we read, what we pray for, the way God answers, the way God leads.
Unsolicited advice is never heeded- as I like to say and as many like to say. Just shut up and do right and you will encourage and influence the people who need it most.

And so, I am working because God put me there. The way the job came up, the way it was offered, the position I have, the experience that I have, have all clearly been designed by God.
There are three things lately that have put me in rough spots, spots I do not like, would never approve of, but God has given me the wisdom to see the good those things have done and the benefit to our family.
He always gives you the grace to do His will, and if you look at it His way instead of your own way, He'll teach you things and show you why you're there.
Over the last few weeks I've been able to spend lots of time in my backroom talking to my stock people and I've been able to share the gospel with three of them.
Going in, I knew my focus had to be winning souls and I forget where I was when this verse was read to me- either in church or a ladies bible study I've been going to:

For even the Son of man came not to be

ministered unto, but to minister, and to give

his life a ransom for many.

Mark 10:45

I'm not comparing myself to Christ and I'm not saying I'm giving my life for the people I'm working with.

When this was read to me I heard 'came not to be ministered unto, but to minister' and it occurred to me that that's why I'm working, I'm working where I'm working, and I'm working with the people I'm working with. I'm there to minister to others. 

I hope this helps you in some small way.

God Leads Us Along

One of the things I am most grateful for is the Lord's leadership.
As easily as I can say that all those that have led me have failed me in some way or another, I can say that I have failed those I have led countless times. The Lord's leadership has never failed me, His influence has never failed me, His guidance has never failed me.
Sometimes it's really simple, as in, 'eat something and you're mind will be clearer' or 'sleep on it'. And those things do make a difference- it's not always run to the Bible because often our motive for running to the bible is to prove ourselves right.
Sometimes it's more complicated and I find myself in an uncomfortable situation for the sole purpose of revealing something in me that has to go. Whether it's my fault or someone else's, my behaviour- all our behaviours- is dictated by what is inside, what our true desires are, and what we hide in our hearts.
A little while ago my husband made a mistake and it made things very uncomfortable for us. I asked him a bit about it and his answer was 'I made a mistake'. I could risk an argument or content myself with that answer so I contented myself with that answer, wondering at how such a mistake could be made. Maybe a week later I had an opportunity to do something and- wouldn't you know- I made a mistake. It cost me a whole nights sleep (not kidding) and some other things I won't mention. When I finally got some sleep and had some time to ponder the Lord gently said, 'how could you make such a mistake?' and with my own words He condemned me. My only answer could be 'I made a mistake'; there's nothing more to it than that I could not be better informed than I was but I had still judged poorly and made a mistake.
I had to smile that the INCREDIBLY merciful way God taught me that but also I had to marvel at His way of giving me my desire.
One of my desires when it comes to my husband is that I reverence him the way the Lord wants me to. It ties into these verses:

The heart of her husband doth safely

trust in her, so that he shall have no need of

spoil.

She will do him good and not evil all the

days of her life.

Proverbs 31:11-12

and

Nevertheless let everyone of you in

particular so love his wife even as himself;

and the wife see that she reverence her

husband.

Ephesians 5:33

So while my husband may not know the things that go on in my head, God does and He knows what I really truly desire and He is bringing me about to accomplish that desire even though it puts me in uncomfortable situations. 

God can and will use our mistakes for our own benefit- if we let Him.

These are those little things that show us God is real and that He cares.

I made a mistake in my own leadership recently and so my mind has been turned on to leadership. 

Though I've been hurt by leaders before, I feel more keenly now more than ever the pain a leader can bring to those that are following them.

I was recently told by someone that something had happened in their life partially because 'those who should have been there weren't'. That phrase still strikes me a month later because I am looking at someone who, though their leaders were not the culprits, was harmed by their leadership.

I've thought on my own actions along side those of certain leaders in my life and realized how sometimes my actions were dictated and taken in despair because of what that leader was (or was not) doing.

Inevitably I've really truly begun to see the gravity of leadership- especially in Spiritual matters.

The most challenging part is that the small things matter the most and make the biggest difference.

As one who is under authority I will say that the most painful thing for me is when I am trying my best, working hard, my heart is right with what I know but I happen to be erring and the leader does not say anything or treats my mistakes with contempt and ridicule. I will say that most of the time my feelings get hurt by someone else (leader or not) is when they don't deal with me directly and tell me something that I am missing. It makes me feel like they don't like me enough to tell me, they think my heart is in the wrong place, or they don't care about what I'm doing.

As one who is in authority I will say that the hardest thing for me (and probably the majority of leaders) is to see those under me doing things that hurt others and themselves and though I warn and warn and warn against it, they make no changes and have to deal with the repercussions. 

Even though our leaders hurt us and aren't always right, we are responsible for our actions.

Recently someone keeps shooting (figuratively) at me. I'm not going to lie, it really hurts. As I've pondered it, God has brought me to my own actions and my own thoughts. He's reminded me of the things I know through experience. He's shown me what those shots reveal about me.
As a man thinketh in his heart so is he and I've seen, in my criticisms of this person that I am guilty of the same things but in a different way. 

While these things are particularly painful, I see God's hand in them, strengthening me and molding me. I'm not sure this person is right in what they are doing but it's not up to me to justify or condemn them. I can only look at my reaction to it. I am trying to humble myself through it, learn from it, and maybe God will have mercy and turn it from me.

While we must be discreet in our thoughts and actions toward our leaders, the leaders must be aware that their actions and words will have an effect no matter what their motives are for the way they act.
It's obvious that mistakes happen but what will heal and build trust is the reaction toward those mistakes. Leaders with the best motives will make mistakes and I believe God is merciful and will give those leaders the chance to prove that their heart was right despite their actions.
That's not to say that the damage will not be great and take a long time to heal.
I do believe, from my experience, that if your heart is right that God will teach you in a smaller lesson than a bigger one. I think sometimes big lessons come in when you need a heart change and a behavioural change.

And back to where I began- I'm grateful for God's leadership. I'm grateful I can rely on Him to lead me exactly where I need to go and point my thoughts in the right direction. It's hard to be heavenly minded when you live in this world and are constantly bombarded by the world, the flesh, and the devil. Still, God is faithful and He will lead you to what's right.

Six Years

Yesterday (August 15) was my husband and my sixth anniversary.

You can read about my fifth anniversary here.

My husband had a few errands to run and he took our son with him so I had more than five hours to myself. I didn't expect to be left alone morning but my plans didn't change in the slightest- I cleaned the whole house.
Yep, that's my gift to my husband- a thoroughly clean house.
It may not seem like much, but he likes his space to be clean. Something we've learned this past year is to appreciate the small things- the small kindnesses, the small acts of sweetness, the small gestures, the small considerations. Big gestures are nice but we're not always capable of those.
For example, I know my husband loves my son and I because he works hard every day. My husband knows I love him because I know it's important to him to have a clean kitchen so I take care to thoroughly clean it everyday. They're not glamorous things but they're tokens of our commitment to each other.  Overlooking the small, everyday things will cause you to be ungrateful and unsatisfied.

When we first started hanging out in January 2010 we would walk around downtown and in and out of shops. I had to get used to walking around with him- his height kept throwing me off. On one occasion we ended up in Sears and found our way to the furniture floor- specifically the couch section. We sat talking for a long time.
Last night we dropped our son off at my sister's, ate dinner, then strolled around the mall. We wound up in a department store and on a couch.
It was a selfie moment:

I remember sitting on those Sears couches and loving how witty and funny he was, enjoying the things he noticed and he way he put things.

As we continued to hang out there were things I liked about him- his love for God and his knowledge of the bible, this aloof quality he has that I find very attractive, his firm sense of logic, his equanimity, his gentleness- when we became a couple I began to love these things and they are the same things I love about him to this day. In all my time with him, from when we first started hanging out until now, I've just loved being around him. As the years roll on those first things get enforced and enforced again. We don't change like the world changes, we change the way God changes us- and He never changes us away from each other. We will never outgrow each other, we will never 'have different goals' or 'different paths' or whatever nonsense capricious people make up to justify breaking their commitment. 

Still and more so, we just love being together, we just love the simple things, we just take pleasure in being at home. While circumstances change and we are led through peaks and valleys, the first things remain unchanged: we love God and we love each other. 

In this sixth year of marriage I am grateful that God has taught us everything we need to know to get us to this point, He has led us here, He is holding us up, He has made it so that we are what we need to be for each other.
It has been said that a happy home is the closest thing to heaven on earth and I have to agree. Even though the circumstances of the home may not always be happy, we can still have the peace and pleasure we find in each other. 

God is so good!

Close to God

One of the traps we fall into as more mature Christians is thinking that we're close to God because we read our bible, pray every day, fast occasionally, go to church for every service, and generally avoid all appearance of evil.
Those are all good things, no question about it, but I'm realizing more and more that those things don't necessarily bring you close to God.
Have you ever been at some sort of a function and eaten whatever you wanted to to your hearts content? Burger, fries, pizza, baked potatoes, fried chicken, mashed potatoes, lasagna, washing it down with punch, and pop before downing ice cream cake, chocolate cake, cupcakes, cookies, donuts, and a sundae.
On the occasions I have allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted to I've felt incredibly fat and gross after. While all those things sound delicious and are delicious, you can generally only really enjoy them one at a time and in a moderate dose. You have to enjoy them properly.
I am relating eating all that 'good' stuff to doing all that 'good' (reading, praying, church going etc...) stuff in my life because I feel spiritually 'fat' afterwards but I am not nourished or any closer to God for them.

You wake up early on a Sunday, do your devotions, pray for the upcoming service, you put your best clothes on to go to the house of the Lord, you teach, you help out, you sing, you listen and learn, you stay late and fellowship and you feel all good about yourself but when you go home and really think about it, you're not much better off than you were while you were sleeping on Saturday night.
What did you really do by doing all that, who were you serving, who was it for? Did God really get the glory in it?
For me, and I'm willing to bet most christian's I know and fellowship with, I do those things because I like to, I enjoy it, it's part of my being.
I grew up going to church because my parents went to church and I had no choice. Now that I am an adult, I have my own relationship with Jesus and I go to church because its part of a healthy relationship with God, I love church, and I need church. Between growing up in church and choosing to continue to go now, I can say that going to church is who I am- it is apart of me and not being able to go would leave a very big hole in my life.
It's the same as reading my bible and studying it- it's part of who I am.
So if it's part of who I am, what I enjoy doing, is it really glorifying God? Is it really bringing me closer to Him?

What I have come to realize is that maintaining real and deep closeness to the Lord  empties you- it requires sacrifice. It's like being lean but fit.

And Ornan said unto David, Take it to

thee, and let my lord the king do that which

is good in his eyes: lo, I give thee the oxen

also for burnt offerings, and the threshing

instruments for wood, and the wheat for the

meat offering; I give it all.

And king David said to Ornan, nay; but I 

will verily buy it for the full price: for I will not

take that which is thine for the LORD, nor

offer burnt offerings without cost.

So David gave to Ornan for the place six

hundred shekels of gold by weight.

1 Chronicles 21:23-35

David wants to buy a threshing floor from Ornan to sacrifice to the Lord and Ornan tells him he will give him the threshing floor and the oxen for the sacrifice. David declines because it's not a true sacrifice to the Lord if it does not cost the one who is sacrificing anything.

And Elijah took twelve stones, according

to the number of the tribes of the sons of

Jacob, unto whom the word of the LORD

came, saying, Israel shall be thy name:

And with the stones he built an altar in

the name of the LORD: and he made a

trench about the altar, as great as would

contain two measures of see.

And he put the wood in order, and cut the

bullock in pieces, and laid him on the wood,

and said, fill four barrels with water, and

pour it on the burnt sacrifice, and on the

wood.

And he said, Do it the second time. And

they did it the second time. And he said, Do

it the third time. And they did it the third time.

And the water ran round the altar;

and he filled the trench also with water.

1 Kings 18:31-35

This takes place during a grievous drought; in a test to see which god is the true God, Elijah pours over the sacrifice the most precious commodity in the land- water. If you don't know the end of the account-

Then the fire of the LORD fell, and

consumed the burnt sacrifice, and the wood,

and the stones, and the dust, and licked up

the water that was in the trench.

And when all the people saw it, they fell

on their faces: and they said, The LORD, he is

the God; the LORD, he is the God.

1 Kings 18:38&39

Almost immediately after, there fell a 'great rain'. 

In both the accounts above it is evident that the Lord responds to real sacrifice and real sacrifice means that there is a cost involved- in David's case, money, in Elijah's case, water. 

I can say really easily that going to church, getting involved, reading my bible, praying, sometimes even fasting are easy for me to do. I have done all those things for years and they have become part of who I am- I am God's child, these are the things His children do if they want to be in fellowship with Him. However, being close to God requires sacrifice and while those things listed are good and edifying, oftentimes they do not require sacrifice.

My pastor spoke about rest in his Sunday morning sermon and he mentioned that that night (we don't have evening service one Sunday a month) he didn't intend to pick up his bible and read it.

I began to think about that and wonder if maybe I feel like I need to read the bible a lot because I'm trying to feel close to God. While he preached I found myself shamefully wondering if my constant need to read another chapter or get off alone to pray was a way for me to compensate for not being close to God.

God teaches me a lot, He's teaching me a lot right now, He's answering a lot of questions I have- which I will share eventually. But knowledge isn't evidence of closeness. Fellowship is not evidence of closeness. There are people in my church who I fellowship with, I love, I help but I am not close to them. That's fine, you can't be close to everybody but you should fellowship and be close to God.

I've been a Christian for years and I know what to do to be a 'good' christian. What I realized is that I want to be close to God but retain all my creature comforts. In other words, I don't want to sacrifice the things that make my flesh happy to be close to God. In other other words, I'm happy to do the easy things to be in fellowship with God but I am unwilling to make the little everyday sacrifices to walk closely with him.
I am unwilling to sacrifice my will for God's will.

On Youtube, for example, I was watching a Pokemon Go vlog because I'm not going to play the game but I was very curious about it. Of course I got hooked on the vlog and I had to watch the newest one every day. The videos averaged 15 minutes or so, there's no cussing in them, no graphic images, there is some blasphemy but not a lot, I really enjoyed them but I was under constant conviction that I should not watch them. Every time I would watch one I would think to myself that it's okay, I'm just taking a little break, this is harmless- except, God didn't want me to watch them.
At the end of the day it doesn't really matter why I shouldn't watch them and frankly I don't care why. It might seem like a trifle to others but it was preventing me from being close to God. It's not like I can apologize for watching it one day and then watch it the next day. It's either the vlog or my relationship with God. So I stopped watching it. It's not a big sacrifice or anything but it's me, sacrificing my will to God. I still want to watch them but I don't, that vlog is not worth my relationship with God.
Don't shake your head like these little things don't matter. If you obey in the small things, God will trust you with bigger things. If you're stuck in a rut in your Christian life, if you don't seem to be moving forward or being taught anything it's because you haven't done anything with what God has already put in front of you. As soon as I made up my mind just to stop watching, God taught me all this.
I know that is a silly, small example but it's the very thing that I am talking about in this post. The little everyday choices we make that either bring us close to God or take us away from Him.
Driving is another example- the speed limit is the law. Is your relationship with God really worth speeding? I like driving fast but my willingness to obey the speed limit is another small, everyday thing that will really show God whether you are serving yourself or serving Him.

The last time I fasted I tried to go for longer than I've ever fasted before (which is not that long by the way) and it was not easy at all. In those extra hours I fasted and it became a real sacrifice to refrain from eating, I finally learned that it's real sacrifice that draws you close to God.

Cry aloud, spare not, lift up thy voice like a

trumpet, and shew my people their 

transgression, and the house of Jacob their sins.

Yet they seek me daily, and delight to know

my ways, as a nation that did righteousness,

and forsook not the ordinance of their God:

they ask of me the ordinances of justice;

they take delight in approaching to God.

Wherefore have we fasted, say they, and

thou seest not? wherefore have we afflicted

our soul, and thou takest no knowledge?

Behold, in the day of your fast ye find

pleasure, and exact all your labours.

Behold, ye fast for strife and debate, and

to smite with the fist of wickedness: ye shall

not fast as ye do this day, to make your voice 

to be heard on high.

Is it such a fast that I have chosen? a day

for a man to afflict his soul? is it to bow

down his head as a bulrush, and to spread

sackcloth and ashes under him? wilt thou

call this a fast, and an acceptable day unto the

LORD?

Isaiah 58:1-5

The purpose of fasting is to starve your flesh and feed your spirit. Eating is a primal need, it's what keeps our physical bodies going and abstaining from that shows our flesh that it is inherently wicked, it needs to stave, it needs to die but we are stuck in it until our souls are called Home (Romans 8).

In the above passage, the people are fasting but to their own ends. They are not fasting to afflict their souls, bow down their heads, and mourn therefore God does not hear them, He does not regard their fasting, it's as if they're not fasting.
I am not saying God does not regard my going to church, reading, praying, fasting, etc. The fact is, that those things serve me as much as they are evidence of my serving God. It is no thing to me to go to church three times a week. I love the fellowship, singing hymns, I really love preaching, I love praying, I just love church. My going to church is not evidence that I am close to God- it may be to the world but I know it is not for me. My going to church is not a sacrifice for me. It is good, well pleasing to the Lord, but choosing to put on the breaks to go from 61 to 60 when the speed limit is 60 is a far greater token of my desire to be close to God. What's the point of going to church if I'm going to break the law all the way there?

If thou turn away thy foot from the

sabbath, from doing thy pleasure on my holy

day; and call the sabbath a delight, the holy

of the LORD, and honourable; and shalt honour

him, not doing thine own way, nor finding

thine own pleasure, nor speaking thine own

words:

Then shalt thou delight thyself in the

LORD; and I will cause thee to ride upon the

high places of the earth, and feed thee with

the heritage of Jacob thy father: for the

mouth of the LORD hath spoken it.

Isaiah 58:13&14

(side note, Isaiah 58 is a great chapter to read before or during a fast)

So though I do get up early and study, I take time to go to church and take steps to be involved in it, those things, while good, edifying, and fruitful do not necessarily bring me closer to God. 

The things that bring me closer to God are doing His way, finding His pleasure, and speaking His words in the little things that no one notices. God knows and He'll reward you for it up in Heaven.

It has only been a few days since I've really learned this but I've already noticed a greater peace and more security in knowing that I'm doing right.
I used to go through my whole day almost worrying that I wasn't in God's will and walking close to Him because I hadn't read my bible in the last two hours. Now, I know that if I just make the right decisions every minute and let God really and truly control my day, I will be close to Him even if I go 10 hours without reading.
This will go for everything except praying (we are instructed to pray without ceasing). If we just make His decisions instead of our own, we will read when we need to (extra reading beside set devotions), fast when we need to and as long as we need to, witness the right way, and be a bigger blessing and more fruitful at church.

He must increase, but I must decrease.

John 3:30

I hope I explained this right, and that it's a blessing to you!

Mary Magdalene

Last week in my bible class I started a short series on Mary Magdalene.
When I first started studying her she was just someone I had read about and learned about in church. Sure she was there at the crucifixion, tomb, saw Jesus alive after His death, but I never really thought there was anything special about her (other than the fact that she interacted with the Son of God).
To prepare my lessons I ran all the references in the bible to her and in one fell swoop she's become one of my favourite women in the bible.

And it came to pass afterward, that he went throughout

every city and village, preaching and shewing the glad

tidings of the kingdom of God: and the twelve were with

him,

And certain women, which had been healed of evil

spirits and infirmities, Mary called Magdalene, out of

whom went seven devils,

And Joanna the wife of Chuza Herod's steward, and

Susanna, and many others, which ministered unto him of

their substance.

Luke 8:1-3

This passage and Mark 16:9 mentions how Mary came in contact with Christ. It's not unique in that He healed many of devil possession but what makes it special is what it did to Mary.

In verse three above it says that she, among others, were with Christ as he went throughout every city and village, and that she ministered to Him out of her substance.

Not only did she literally follow Christ around after her healing but what she had she gave to Christ.

There were also women looking on afar off: among

whom was Mary Magdalene, and Mary the mother of

James the less and of Joses, and Salome;

(who also, when he was in Galilee, followed him, and

ministered unto him;) and many other women which 

came up with him unto Jerusalem.

Mark 15:40&41

I haven't been able to figure it out but possibly it was both the Mary's who followed Jesus from Galilee. Either way, she clearly followed Jesus to Jerusalem from somewhere else.

So we know that once Jesus entered her life she followed Him. Then we know:

She stood near the cross:

Now there stood by the cross of Jesus his mother, and

his mother's sister, Mary the wife of Cleophas, and Mary

Magdalene.

John 19:25

She sat near His grave:

And when Joseph had taken the body, he wrapped it

in a clean linen cloth,

and laid it in his own new tomb, which he had hewn

out in the rock: and he rolled a great stone to the door

of the sepulchre, and departed.

And there was Mary Magdalene, and the other

Mary, sitting over against the sepulchre.

Matthew 27:59-61

(also see Mark 15:47)

She continued to minister to Him even when (she thought) He was in the grave:

And when the sabbath was past, Mary Magdalene,

and Mary the mother of James, and Salome, had

bought sweet spices, that they might come and anoint

him.

And very early in the morning the first day of the

week, they came unto the sepulchre at the rising of the

sun. 

Mark 16:1&2

(also see Matthew 28:1, Luke 24:1, John 20:1)

Now when Jesus was risen early the first day of the

week, he appeared first to Mary Magdalene, out of

whom he had cast seven devils.

Mark 16:9

She was so close to Him, He appeared to her first. 

You can read the full account of how Christ appeared to her in John 20.

What I love about her story is that she stayed close to Christ in everything.

She followed him from place to place, stood by Him in death, followed Him to where they laid Him, and got up early to tend His body.

As I studied all the references to Mary it struck me how much she wanted to be close to Christ. It wasn't simply being near Him but ministering to Him the way He had ministered to her.

Our testimony as Christians should be what hers is: follow Christ in every situation and minister to Him.

To My Son About His Father

I haven't been feeling well today- I went for a drive while hungry which makes me nauseated. I then got a headache at home and now my throat is hurting along with the back of my head.
I've been wanting to write, about Father's Day in particular, but I didn't know what to write about.
A few minutes ago I was reading my son some bedtime stories and as I put him to bed it occurred to me that I should write about his father.
This post is inspired by a woman who wrote a letter like this to her son.

Boaz, Let Me Tell You About Your Dad,

I remember the night we picked out your name. We were lying in bed and joking around about names like Jehoshaphat, Nebuchadnezzar and things like that. In the spirit of the moment I laughingly suggested Boaz and we both paused. In my mind it sounded funny but out loud it sounded... dope.
Your dad said, 'I kind of like that,'
I said, 'me too,'
and he said, 'what about a middle name?'
We picked a middle name out and your whole name was perfect. That was it.
You didn't even exist yet. I wouldn't be pregnant with you for at least another year.
When I finally was pregnant, we knew we wouldn't find out the gender, but we called you 'little Boaz' anyway.
When you were finally born and we got a good look at you there was no question that you have your father's face and that perfect middle name changed to your father's first name, Michael.
I love your name, not just because it sounds cool but because of what it means: By strength, and then Michael: who is like God?

The first thing you should know is that your father prays. He prays all the time. Prayer is a very personal thing to him. He never prayed out loud until he and I got married. My prayer life changed when I met him. He was the one who taught me to pray way down to the nitty gritty. In every situation we've been in, his reaction has always been to pray first. Mine is usually to freak out then read a Psalm to calm down. Your father always prays. It's not something you see, but it's there.

One of the things I love about your father is he is grounded. He knows who he is and what he believes.
He cannot be manipulated but he is readily able to learn from his mistakes and grow into the man he needs to be for you. His mind is strong in what's right and that's what dictates the choices he makes.
He is not fooled by false doctrine and he is not fooled by false teachers. He stands steadily on what the bible says.
He is not swayed by peer pressure. He knows what he likes, what he wants, and how he wants it.

He likes the simple things. Right now he is playing a video game while I sit here typing. The TV he is playing on was a birthday gift to me from some family members. He always says it's, 'the greatest TV ever'. It makes me laugh because it's not the biggest TV, it's not super technical HD or anything, but it's the nicest TV we'll probably ever have and your father is grateful for it.
He never needs a lot- he likes his steak with just salt and pepper on it. He likes his burger meat with just salt and pepper in it. He never has to have brand name things because he just doesn't care. The only time he ever talks about new clothes is when his current ones are worn down. Nothing needs to be fancy as long as it works right. That goes for everything. Recently someone was talking to him about aspiring to be rich, he responded that he doesn't want to be rich, he just wants to be able to provide for his family.

For as long as I've known him he's always just been thankful- thankful for whatever he's had in whatever situation. He always appreciates things and he always expresses it. I know I am blessed here because I'm sure there are women out there who's husbands don't tell them they love them throughout the day or compliment them on things or even notice how hard they work.
You won't know this until you're older but he is always telling you the things he loves about you, 'you're a cute little boy, Bo' he says. You bring a lot of delight to him and he likes to bring delight to you.

He is self sacrificing. He does what it takes to get the job done. He works hard. Not many people realize the pain he is in sometimes. His job now- and the one before- have taken their toll on him. Still, he works hard, he does things right, he is diligent.

Your father is logical to a fault. While most of us look at things from a mixture of logic and emotion, he looks at everything with plain logic. He takes everything said to their logical conclusion and throws it out if its unreasonable. It can be frustrating sometimes but then you finally realize that this way of handling things takes you right to the heart of every matter. You are able to weigh your thoughts and actions objectively. You're able to see through yourself right to your motivation. This kills %99 of the 'fluff' that's in you. This is likely why your father is so grounded: he doesn't mess with things that aren't logical or biblically founded.

All that being said, don't get into an argument with him. Just don't. Don't even think about it. You'll lose and lose miserably.

He is a gentle giant. One thing he does not know is how intimidating he is. He is very tall and has serious eyes but he does not realize how this comes across to those of us who are shorter.
He has never used his size aggressively. He is gentle. Very gentle. More gentle than I am.
He doesn't hurt people. At least not on purpose. His honestly and straightforwardness can sting sometimes but it does not come from maliciousness. When he is straightforward with you, it means he trusts that you will take it right. He doesn't take the sword out on just anyone. He does not talk about something with someone if he can't be transparent with them about it.

He is forgiving. I don't think he's capable of holding a grudge. Someone said something downright rude to him not long ago. He told me about it and it made me angry. Your father simply said, 'I'm dropping it' and that was all. It took me longer to let it go and I wasn't even there to witness it.
He doesn't bring up the past. He doesn't say 'you always...' unless it's a serious problem. He lets things go and moves forward.

He loves to drive. I think all men do and your father is no exception. He likes going on little road trips and often takes the 'scenic route'. He likes the word 'bucolic' and I think he sets out to find bucolic drives. We have an epic family road trip planned, Lord willing, for when you get older.

He loves juice, cereal, sourdough, coffee, barbecuing, pizza, nectarines, blueberries, spartan and macintosh apples (but he's picky about them, mind you), and ice cream. He loves reading and will read all day if you let him. He is very silly. He is a good writer- something not many people know about him. He wants to keep bees. He love love loves golfing. He's peaceful, he doesn't like things disrupting the peace of our home.

He often talks about things that will make him a good father. He wants to instruct you in the ways that are right. He wants you to be saved and in the will of God. It means the most to him to encourage you in your relationship with God; he doesn't want to hinder it by hypocrisy.

There you are, Bo, just some things about your dad. There is a lot more to him then this but these are the things that stick out to me after close to six years of marriage.
God blessed you with a good daddy, Bo.

Never Say Never

I've taught the young ones in my Bible Class for probably eight months now and we've gotten to know each other. During our first few months of lessons I would ask if they had questions or comments and I'd get silly comments and insincere questions.
Lately, though, the kids have been on a roll giving me perfect examples of the lessons from their own lives. I'm not sure what it is but it gives me joy.
Two Sundays ago I was teaching on Mary who poured spikenard on Jesus' head. I noted the disciples' indignation at her and told the children that other people will try to tell you what to do with what God has given you. I told them that we all have different convictions and that we can't judge other people for their convictions because God deals with us all differently.
I tried to use one example about clothes that didn't work so then I moved to a more obvious example: alcohol.
They all understood this right away and one said, "I will never drink alcohol!"
I smiled at her while all my years ran through my head and I said, "never say never," and moved on with my example.

Later on as I thought about it, God told me that my response was not edifying.
"Never say never," is a pessimistic way of looking at the matter.
I know why I said that. I said that because I know that we get put into situations we never dreamed of being in, our emotions and feelings get the better of us and suddenly we're doing something we never thought we'd do.
I missed a good time for good instruction.
Fortunately, this past Sunday we had a few things to do and I couldn't start our new character study- Mary Magdalene. As I prayed about what to teach about God pointed out my 'never say never' comment and told me to fix it.
This is one of those things that are a good reminder for all of us. I wrote this post on Saturday night but I left off publishing it to today. Thinking about it all last week has reminded me of things God has dealt with me on in the past and things I must continually remember. I hope it helps.

Proverbs 27:1- Boast not thyself of to morrow; for thou knowest not what a day may bring forth.
James 4:13-17- Go to now, ye that say, To day or tomorrow we will go into such a city, and continue there a year, and buy and sell, and get gain:
Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? it is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away.
For that ye ought to say, if the Lord will, we shall live, and do this, or that.
But now ye rejoice in your boastings: all such rejoicing is evil.
Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin.

We don't know where we will wind up, what we will do, and what we will be. Nothing is for certain in this life except the Bible. The bible is full of examples of people who thought their lives were going one way only to be in a completely different situation from one day to the next. We can't say we'll never do something because we really do not know.
The only thing we can do, is guard against sin that may tempt us.

Luke 22:40- And when he was at the place, he said unto them, Pray that ye enter not into temptation.
This is in the garden of Gethsemane and Jesus knows what is about to happen. He is about to be taken by force, his disciples would be scattered from Him, and Peter would betray Him. He tells them to pray so they would not enter into temptation. Instead they go to sleep. I wonder if Peter would have betrayed Christ three times had he been praying there instead of sleeping.
That verse is there for us too: pray that ye enter not into temptation.
There is so much to pray about in those words since there are so many things that can lead the children, and us, into temptation.
Some things to pray about:
-staying away from ungodly influences
-staying away from ungodly people
-keeping out of situations that can lead to temptation
-staying in the Word and praying
-staying in church
-obeying their parents
-getting good counsel from godly elders
-protection from wolves in sheep's clothing
-protection in general
There are so many things that can happen to us at any given moment. It is only by God's grace that we are protected, whole, and unblemished by the world.
My mother-in-law works with young women who have been trafficked and the girls in the horrifying stories she tells (only when I ask, she doesn't volunteer them) were once just like some of the girls I teach now.
It's God's grace that protects them, that has protected me, that has protected their parents.
They need to be prayed up and ready for whatever comes their way.

After praying, they need to make the decision now. It was a good thing she said, that she will never drink alcohol, it is good that she has made up her mind in that.
One of the best things I've ever heard a preacher say is that we are to live by principle and not by feeling. Our feelings change from one day to another- sometimes from one minute to the next- we can't rely on them especially since they often go against God.
I am run a lot on emotion- this 'I don't feel like it' nonsense that gets me no where. That kind of things coddles your flesh and you wind up away from God because you'll always choose your flesh rather than what's right. In every choice it can't be whether I feel like it or not but what is right or wrong or what is good or greater.
During the lesson one child gave an example where some of her friends were talking about a show she had never seen before and her friends were commenting that the bad. She never watched it and didn't know what it was about but she agreed with them. Then they started talking about a show she really liked and they said it was dumb. Well, she agreed with them there too even though it was her favourite show. (It really encouraged me that she could look at her actions and judge them the way she did) This is just a great example of making choices by feeling rather than principle. These small things come up everyday and test our character. Will we choose to be honest because God commands it or will we justify a lie by how we feel?

When we are right with God, when we are unemotionally attached, we need to purpose in our hearts to do right.
For the children a big one will be keeping themselves pure until marriage. Other ones include keeping away from bad company, watching their language, subjecting themselves to authority, and living what they are at church at home.
They need to decide to do it now so that when the time comes, they've already made the choice and it's the right one.
I saw this once and it rang true for me:

I remember seeing this and being struck by what great advice it is. All those things- replies, promises, decisions- need reason, logic, and an even mind. Our emotions destroy all reason.

Be sober, be vigilant; because our adversary the

devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom

he may devour:

1 Peter 5:8

There are those big things- like addiction to drugs and alcohol- then the seemingly little things- like cussing when your parents aren't around. Either way, they, and we need to guard ourselves against it before we're even faced with the temptation to do it. Satan will use both small and big things to devour us is we're not careful.

My prayer for each of the children I teach is that they stay faithful to God. This won't happen, or at least I won't help it happen, if I'm not using what they give me to teach them. In other words, I need to use every opportunity to turn their minds to Christ. 

I love the way the children challenge me. They teach me so much and I don't think they'll ever know it. I can only hope and pray that God uses me, even a little bit, to encourage them spiritually.

Peonies

My first peony finally bloomed! I've been watching for it every day and today it bloomed!

After roses peonies are my favourite. I just love the colour of these ones too- just a hint of pink.

I've been on a bit of an emotional roller coaster recently. Lots of things are happening and I finally realized that God is teaching me things about my feelings and emotions.

There are times in life, at least in mine, where God says, 'this is a problem and it's stopping now'. He tightens the screws and reveals an area that needs go. A preacher said it like this: the Word is a two edged sword, it will break you or (if you let it) it will make the necessary clean, clear, and surgical cut that will heal and make you better.

All the things that God has put in my path have tested, tried, and proved me. By proved I mean shown me what is the heart of the matter. This is a hard surgery but I know it's a necessary one.

One thing that makes me happy is my garden. I ate a strawberry from it yesterday, my beans are growing, I already harvested some of my oregano, and I'm growing my favourite vegetable (brussel sprouts!).

I was walking through the yard a few weeks ago and I realized that I am living a dream. Not my ultimate dream (that may or may not include riding a horse every morning and a room full of yarn) but a dream.

My dream that I am living is this: we have a backyard, my son can play in it all day, I have a full garden with lots of roses, five peony plants, and plenty of other delightful things coming in. I've always wanted to have fresh flowers around my home and now I get to. My husband is doing work that makes him happy, I have a wonderful Bible class that edifies me, my family lives close, and my son likes spicy food. 

This all may sound mediocre and uninteresting but I've found by experience that gratitude gives you strength.

We don't own our home and may possibly have to move in 3 months but we wouldn't have it any other way. I'm just grateful I got to see my peonies bloom, my roses will be next, maybe I'll eat a plum, an apricot, or a pear off one of our trees. I can't waste my time worrying. If we do have to leave our home in the near future I don't want to regret being ungrateful and wasting time wallowing in unedifying emotions. 

So while God is teaching me hard things right now I can't fight against it and allow it to make me miserable. It's just waste of time. I have to approach it with gratitude. Grateful that this needs to go so that I am better off, happier, and a blessing to others in the future. Grateful that God knows the time is now- I'm ready for it. 

I've learned this too: you are the most grateful when you truly realize that God is in control. He knows where you are, what happened, why it happened, and what He will make out of it. Looking at something from the perspective that God allowed it will help you learn from things you may think are insignificant.

I'm glad God is teaching me. I'm glad I've learned not to control everything around me. I'm glad I can just let be and be thankful for the things that are.

I wasn't actually planning on writing any tonight (you can probably tell) but I hope it makes sense and that its a blessing.

Relationship 101

I wrote a little bit about it but a few weeks ago my pastor challenged us to make Jesus the centre of everything we do. I thought long and hard about that and how to implement that in my Sunday School class. How do I make Jesus the centre of our class time and how do I encourage the children to have personal relationships with Christ?
As it happened, it was Easter Sunday and God led me to talk about Gethsemane and Jesus' heavy prayer before enduring the cross. I thought about prayer and it occurred to me that one of the biggest difference in my relationship with Jesus came when I made prayer a continual part of my day.

Here is how that happened:
I was born to saved, church going parents and grew up in church. Both my parents love the bible and it's something they instilled in their children. Knowing the bible, however, is not indicative of a relationship with God.
Before I really got to know God I had a very ridged relationship with Him. I literally looked at Him like He was some sort of Santa Claus figure doling out good to believers who obeyed and actively chastising believers who rebelled. I would pray but I had created some rules in my mind so that God would 'hear me'. I confessed my sins by saying 'please forgive me for all my sins', then I'd say what needed to be said, rattled off 'in Jesus name, amen', not knowing what on earth anything was about.
One day a church friend lent me a novel by a christian writer. It was about a saved girl and some things she went through. I think it was part of a series. Clearly I don't remember much about the book but the novel was written in the first person and every so often she would just pray in her mind. She would address God, make a request or give thanks or whatever she wanted to say, and that was all. See, I always thought I had to say 'amen' or the prayer wasn't complete and God wouldn't take it seriously. I was 10 (all this occurred when I was 10).
She basically had a continual conversation with the Lord throughout the day.
I remember being very fascinated by it, wanting that, and starting on that right away. Needless to say, my relationship with God grew after that.
If you have open communication with God all day every day, you are much more aware that He is watching what you do and that He knows what you are thinking. My pastor always says to keep short accounts with God and it's a lot easier to do when you're constantly going to Him and recognizing you need to be right with Him to communicate properly.
I hope this is making sense. It's hard for me to explain. When you talk to God a lot and you keep that line open there's a lot He shows you. It's really neat.

So something I'm trying to impart to the young ones I teach every Sunday is to continually talk to God. Instead of always asking for prayer requests I mix it up and ask if any one has answered prayers. They're all little prayers that have been answered but those little, every day proofs that God cares about the smallest details of their lives are the building blocks they need to grow their relationship with God.
The other thing these discussions have done is given me a little insight into the children's view of God. In other words- do they really believe in Him or is He just something they learn about at church?

One preacher said, 'the closer you get to God the more your faith is as a little child's'. He went on to explain that like little children know they need their parents to provide everything, those that are close to God realize that absolutely everything they need-including strength for every day- comes from Him. That is what your prayer life reveals- it reveals what sort of faith you have in Him. If he really is 'Lord of all' in your life, that is how you will communicate with Him and you will conduct your life accordingly.
It is amazing the difference a little Holy Spirit discernment will do in your life. Not only do you make right, wise, and good decisions but you're able to be a bigger blessing. If you're constantly questioning if something is right to do in God's eyes rather than your own, you'll avoid a lot of messes.

A few months ago we covered prayer in a discipleship series we're going through on Wednesdays. Listed below are a few things my pastor said that I found really thought provoking.

-There is no problem that isn't a prayer problem

-God will either answer the prayer or change the request
-Nothing reveals a person's spiritual life like their passion for prayer
-Prayer reveals who the believer really is
-Prayer is a backstage part of life that makes a huge difference on stage
-Praying and having a prayer life are two different things
-Your prayer life either magnifies problems or magnifies God
-Your prayer life reveals who you think God is

I hope this was an encouragement, a help, or just a blessing to you!

Control

I've tried to write this post a few different ways. It's hard for me not to let my personal feelings and flesh run with it. There's a lot I could say about others in this post but I'm attempting to focus on the things I've learned through my own experience in my own self.
I can't speak for others- no matter what impression they give- but more on that later.

Today I'm not talking about self control and things that you must control.
I control myself, my household, and my son (not really but you know what I mean). Controlling myself is a giant task, by household I mean the physical things like cooking, cleaning, making sure everyone has clean clothes, etc, and I am the primary caretaker of my son which eventually means I'll be supervising his education. These are things that I am given to control and I am not talking about those things today.

Today I am talking about things we are not given to control but try to any way.
I think there is that tendency in many people to try to subtly control everything around them. We generally- whether we want to admit it or not- think- consciously or sub consciously- we know best, the right way, how it should be, etc.

For example: we just moved and there are a few different ways to get to church.
When I drive to church I turn right off our street and head straight to the highway.
My husband turns left and drives down a residential street to a big street and then to the highway.
Of course I think my way is more efficient and less annoying but we've never timed the routes so we can't know for sure.
I know my husband well enough to know why he takes the route he does, but when we're running late I can't help but feel that rise of irritation at the (possibly) longer route to church. Its a very small thing and I just squash the annoyance when it comes up but it is a constant reminder of how strongly I think my ways are superior and how much I like to be in control.

That is the kind of thing I am talking about in this post: those little things that come out occasionally that can only be explained by the fact that we need to control everything around us. The above example has never brought about an argument between us- because I just let it go- but there have been plenty of similarly small things that I've commented on in the wrong tone with the wrong spirit and ka-boom.

One time I was called on to testify about God's tender mercies in front of my church (not my current church)- tender mercies being the little blessings and mercy drops God daily bestows. I had a week to prepare and different examples came to mind- one in particular was about sometimes missing the sky train on my way home from church. I'd have to wait ten minutes sometimes for the next train but when it came it was usually almost empty (SUCH a blessing on an almost 45 min train ride with an active toddler). I don't remember my exact reasoning for not using that one, I think I thought it was bridging on obsequious, but I didn't use it and once my testimony was done I knew I was wrong not to. People came up and thanked me for the testimony but that didn't ease my guilt. I ultimately knew that trying to control the message of the testimony prevented me from really glorifying God and really giving a true testimony.
I believe this is happening more and more in churches where preachers are trying to be 'politically correct' and going out of their way to avoid offending people. Paul said this to the church at Ephesus:

For I have not shunned to declare unto you all the

counsel of God.

Acts 20:27

The most powerless preaching I've heard happens when the preacher tries to tailor the message to the congregation. Seriously, just preach the what God gave you, how He gave it to you.

Sunday was Valentine's Day and my preacher did not have a message about love- and praise God for that. As another preacher said, 'Praise God for preachers who go to their knees and not a calendar to find out what to preach'.

Back to my controlling ways and speaking of preaching: I used to listen to preaching rather critically. I would create lists in my mind of BETTER verses the preacher could have used, a better route he could've taken in the message, and things like that. (I never vocalized it) I can't tell you how it happened but one day I just stopped.
I think it had to do with me really learning what real submission is. God gave that sermon, to that preacher, to preach that way, knowing I would be in the congregation listening that Sunday.
I'm only responsible for what I learn from that sermon. If God gave that sermon to that preacher and the preacher did not preach what God really wanted him to preach it's none of my business and God will deal with him.
At the heart of the matter was that I thought all preaching should be powerful, hard, and sharp- the kind of preaching that is so convicting it makes you want to throw up. I've since learned that there is a time for that, there are people who need that, and there are people who that will strengthen and edify all the time. Some people can only take that once in a while.
Deep inside, I wanted to control what was being preached to me because I thought I knew best. Now I sit down for preaching completely focused on myself and what I need from it. My mind is peaceful and I learn so much more. 

My husband doesn't try to control me- he governs our home, sets the boundaries, leads us but he does not tell me what to do. On the other hand, I am always tempted to tell him how he should do things, when he should do things, and so on.  I realized early on that if we were ever going to be happy I had to just let him be- he knows what he has to do, how to do it, and when to do it- he's a big boy, he's fine.
He is currently starting his own business and he talks to me about almost every aspect of it. I just listen to him and only give my opinion when he asks for it. Now, I have a lot to say about things and I could tell him exactly how to do everything he talks to me about but I don't because I'm not the one starting the business, I'm not the one doing the work, and I'm not in charge of finances.

It's like Mary and Joseph when the angel told them to flee to Egypt:

And when they [the wise men] were departed, behold, the angel

of the Lord appeareth to Joseph in a dream, saying,

arise, and take the young child and his mother, and

flee into Egypt, and be thou there until I bring the

word: for Herod will seek the young child to destroy him.

When he arose, he took the young child and his 

mother by night, and departed into Egypt:

Matthew 2:13&14

If it was my husband and I, I'd be thinking 'do we really have to leave TONIGHT? I'm sure the angel didn't mean for us to leave right away. Can't we go tomorrow? and so on and so forth and what have you...'

Again if it was M in Jospeh's place I'd have to remember that the angel appeared to HIM and not me for a reason and I have no say in the decision about when to leave. God chose him.

This thought process keeps our marriage peaceful and it allows me to be happy in my marriage.

Lastly, other people.
I think we drive ourselves mad trying to give the right impression of ourselves and beat ourselves up when we fail. We want others to see us for what we are and what we do.
I worked for a company that was very big on being bright and bubbly. I am not bright or bubbly. In high school my basketball coach told me I have 'this poker face' (his words) that makes everyone think I'm angry. I also think, based on all the times I got written up for not having the right face on (not kidding), that something about my natural expression gives the impression that I'm not approachable and affable. Working for that company showed me that, despite what I know inside me about myself, what is inside will never fully show on the outside. (I'm talking about character and personality here. Hidden sin in the heart will always manifest on the outside if not dealt with)
Recently a man left a message on my husbands phone. We listened to it and thought he sounded angry and rude. A few weeks later- when moving calmed down- we listened to it again (the same message!) and he sounded pleasant and friendly. What people see of you is coloured by what they are themselves, their mood, and how they feel about you. No matter what you do, people will never think of you the way you want to be thought of.

A long time ago I was watching an interview with a former basketball player who won the NBA Championship. The interviewer asked why this man does not wear his ring.
The basketball player said, "I don't need to wear it. I know what I did."
That's become my attitude about who I really am and what I really do.
I know what I am, I know what I do, and more importantly, God knows.
God shows me where to change and and gives me grace to grow.
I am not saying, just be who you are and don't consider others. That is not what God wants- read Romans 14 for more.
Be kind, watch what you say, dress appropriately, take care of the things God gives you- but don't go out of your way just to prove you're smart/ talented/ quick witted etc.
When I was in grade five I wrote a paper and I mentioned I had a second cousin who rowed in the olympics. My teacher crossed that whole paragraph out. There was no point in me adding it to my paper except to show that I had a talented cousin. Similarly I've said a lot of things and done many things just to show who I think I am and what I think I can do. There's no point. It's just the pride of life.

The other thing is, if I know people will give themselves their own impression of me, then I have to be gracious and allow that I will never have the right impression of them. I can't control their thoughts about me but I can control my thoughts on them.
My rule now is not to think about people, not to take things personally, and just let everything be.
I pray for people, I try to be helpful, I try to love be and kind to everyone but I will not spend any time dissecting someone's words or actions.
It can be hard sometimes but:

I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you that 

ye walk worthy of the vocation wherewith ye are called,

With all lowliness and meekness, with

long suffering, forbearing one another in love;

Endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the

bond of peace.

Ephesians 4:3

and:

And above all things have fervent charity among

yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of

sins.

1 Peter 4:8

Charity does many things (see 1 Corinthians 13) and its not something you just have. Charity comes from God. Charity is selfless and that's what it takes to give up yourself up and allow others to have their way and their mind.

A preacher once said, 'you are who you are when you won't get caught'. With that in mind, know who you really are, humble yourself, and keep your eyes and your pencil on your own paper.

This topic has been on my mind for a while and as I said earlier, it's taken a few tries to write. What I hope to convey is that you are so much freer and happier when you wholly give up what you can't control.

27

I turned 27 yesterday and looking back on 26 I know that the biggest area of personal growth for me was knowing myself better. I don't mean personal preferences, faults, strengths and things like that. I mean the deeper things that make me do what I do.

Before this last year a lot of my knowledge of myself was based on ideals and things I wanted myself to be. In the words of the dowager Lady Grantham I'd 'read too many novels'. I've learned a lot this past year just about myself, what I really am, my real motives, and what is at the heart of everything I do.

Something that's helped me learn about myself, is looking at myself as the source of all my problems. I know to the world that sounds horrendous but it's absolutely liberating.

For instance, I was hurt by some people not too long ago.

I was really struggling with it when God pointed out that it wouldn't be what it was if I wasn't carrying on. While their actions were indeed hurtful, my holding it against them was what was really hurting me.

As soon as He showed me my error, I got it right and moved on.

Another example is my husband not doing things I think he should be doing. I realized that there's a lot of things I should be doing that I'm not and looking at him wasn't improving my lot at all. A preacher once pointed out that maybe our spouses' get away with things we think they should be doing so that God can test us and reveal what's really in our hearts.
Turning my critical focus from other people to myself has made a world of difference in pursuing peace in my relationships- especially that of my marriage.

Another thing that's helped me learn about myself is leaving social media. I know I keep going back to it and I wrote a whole post about it here. I don't want to delve into a topic that I've dealt with before, but its really amazing what you'll learn about yourself, learn to do, and accomplish when you're not drawn to your phone/tablet/computer to see if someone posted something new or post something yourself.
The other temptation or tendency, even with blogging, is to spend your time thinking about what to post. There are better things to occupy our minds.
For me, social media is a weight that besets. It puts things into my mind that wouldn't be there otherwise. It gives me impressions of people I don't need to have. It makes me want to 'attain' what others have 'attained'.
Getting out of it was a good clean cut. All the clutter in my brain left when I left social media.

It comes down to being honest with yourself- seeing yourself for what you really are. It is allowing God to use those trying times to build character where you are lacking. It's also being able to pinpoint those things that keep us from moving forward and getting them out of our lives.

Having cut out a lot of unnecessary issues in my life, I've come to this place where I am able to pursue meaningful things fully and freely.

Fully as in I'm able to give good time to the pursuit, and freely as in without need for validation from people.

This blog is a good example of that. In almost a year of writing I still have no idea if anyone actually reads what I write. Whether people are reading or not it does not matter because this blog was God's idea, it's God's work, it's for God's glory, He gives me the time to write, He gives me the words to say, He gives me things to write about, and I am just an instrument.

I've heard a few things from my sister about some of my posts but if I never hear anything from anyone about it again, it really doesn't matter because it's not about me or anyone else. It's about my relationship with God.

My bible class is another example- It's God's class and I try to follow His directions as closely as I know how. I may never know what kind of impact I have on those children- hopefully its a good impact if any- and that's okay. I only need to worry about following God's leading in the class and letting Him work. If I've done that, I'm a success. 

Knitting is a non spiritual example- for me it's a blessed pursuit, given to me by God. It's something I keep to myself but pursue passionately.

I think, as I attempt to bring this to a conclusion, that learning of myself has enabled me to yield control, yielding control has liberated me, and my liberation has helped me find satisfaction in the things my hand findeth to do.

(1) Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which

are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of

meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be

tempted.

(2) Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law

of Christ.

(3) For if a man think himself to be something, when

he is nothing, he deceiveth himself.

(4) But let every man prove his own work, and then

shall he have rejoicing in himself alone, and not in

another.

(5) For every man shall bear his own burden.

Galatians 6:1-5

I just want to focus on verse 4 but I needed to establish the context of the passage- The work God gives each one of us is our own burden and proving the work gives us rejoicing.
My bible class, for example, is a good burden that is mine to bear. I love those children, I want the best for them, I want them to love God and His Word. Those are my burdens that I must bear and I must prove my own work in them. Teaching those children gives me joy- it's not that my pastor or the parents, or anyone appreciates that I teach them- it's that I'm doing God's will God's way.

The backslider in heart shall be filled with his own

ways: and a good man shall be satisfied from

himself.

Proverbs 14:14

This is an incredible verse that says so much. It's interesting how you can do everything your way and not be satisfied. A good man shall be satisfied from himself, not because he does everything his own way, but because he does it God's way.

The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD:

and he delighteth in his way.

Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down:

for the LORD upholdeth him with his hand.

Psalm 37:23&24

Worship

The other day I posted a link to a sermon which I said exposed an error in my thinking. (You can find the post here)

As often happens, God had been working on me about it for quite some time before He gave me the answer.

Probably a month or more ago we were going through the biblical reasons for doing devotions in our Wednesday night service. My pastor would often ask, 'how is your relationship with the bible?' or 'have you spent time in the bible?'

My answers were always in the affirmative- I have a set time to get up and do devotions, I try to make bible reading my first priority, and I was studying the scripture in depth. I was 'almost flawless' in this area of my relationship with God- or so I thought.

I have to laugh at myself now because God uses those questions and our internal answers to show us our errors and fix our thinking. It reminds me of Peter Ruckman saying, 'people tell me I take that bible too seriously. I don't take that bible seriously enough'. No matter how much you're in the bible, no matter how strongly you believe it,  you will never have the Word in the exact right spot it needs to be in your life.

Well, Christmas started happening, we started looking for a place to move, we found a place and did move and, as always happens, I started slipping from my set time of bible reading. I still read the bible, but since I had missed my only opportunity for quiet time it was not as thorough and maybe even rushed- thrown in when I could.

Wherefore let him that thinketh he

standeth take heed lest he fall.

1 Corinthians 10:12

As I struggled to get up in the morning I began to wonder about devotions.

There's no question that they're a necessary part of a Christian's walk with God. We need the bible to cleanse us, feed us, and guide us; we need prayer to relieve us, communicate with God, and thank Him for all He's done. Before all that, though, why do we do devotions?
The first answer must be that it is commanded:

Study to shew thyself approved unto 

God, a workman that needeth not to be

ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.

2 Timothy 2:15

All scripture is given by inspiration of

God, and is profitable for doctrine, for

reproof, for correction, for instruction in

righteousness:

That the man of God may be perfect,

throughly furnished unto all good works.

2 Timothy 3:16&17

Till I come, give attendance to reading,

to exhortation, to doctrine.

1 Timothy 4:13

Praying always with all prayer and

supplication in the Spirit, and watching

thereunto with all perseverance and

supplication for all saints;

Ephesians 6:18

As newborn babes, desire the sincere

milk of the word, that ye may grow thereby:

1 Peter 2:2

We study for reproof and correction- to change our ways to please Him, we study to perfect our doctrine- to teach others and be unified in the Spirit, we study to be perfect- the 'more you're get in the bible, the more it gets in you'. 

I know these things, I've long known these verses, I grew up singing

Don't read your bible, forget to pray and you'll shrink, shrink, shrink

BUT!

Read your bible, pray every day and you'll grow, grow, grow

and I believe all of it.

I began to wonder about the command and what is at the heart of the command.

The truth is, it should not matter what is at the heart of the command of an omniscient and holy God. The commandment is right, good, and needs to be obeyed. Even so, I began to wonder about it.

As I thought on these things I managed to get up one morning and do devotions. After I finished praying I was very happy and it occurred to me that maybe I was doing devotions so that I would 'feel good'.

I believe I had gotten to the point where I was doing devotions like I was giving change to a homeless person- something 'good' I did to keep me from 'feeling bad' I did not do it.
The other thing that began to happen was that I would do my devotions in the morning, and though I'd pray throughout the day, I would sort of leave off the Word and maybe listen to a sermon but I'd get focused on other things. Morning bible reading became something akin to drinking kombucha in the morning- the only time of the day it would happen because that's what I did in the morning.
I began to wonder what it was in me that was keeping me from being faithful and putting God absolutely first.

I listened to David Peacock's Clean Inside sermon and God used it to tell me what my problem was.
My problem is worship, or rather, who I was worshipping.
See, I was worshipping myself and, even though my devotions on the surface were about God, I was doing them in worship to myself.
The issue went deeper than 'checking it off my daily to do list', it was the fact that I was only seeking God's word for myself, not for Him.
The way I was doing devotions had become one of the fruits of a greater sin problem- placing myself on the throne of my life. As a servant of God, I have no business being on the throne of anything- especially not my own life.

I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the

mercies of God that ye present your bodies

a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God,

which is your reasonable service.

Romans 12:1

For the love of Christ constraineth us;

because we thus judge, that if one died for

all, then were all dead:

and that he died for all, that they which

live should not henceforth live unto

themselves, but unto him which died for

them, and rose again.

2 Corinthians 5:14&15

My life, and if you're saved your life, is not about you. It's about God.

I lost sight of that in everything I was doing.

To the sermon- Pastor Peacock pointed out the following and gave the following example:

The first time worship is mentioned in the bible it is connected to obedience. The greatest form of worship is obedience:

And it came to pass after these things,

that God did tempt Abraham, and said

unto him, Abraham: and he said, Behold,

here I am.

And he said, Take now thy son, thine only

son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee

into the land of Moriah; and offer him

there for a burnt offering upon one of the

mountains which I will tell thee of.

ANd Abraham rose up early in the

morning and saddled his ass, and took two

of his young men with him, and Isaac his

son, and clave the wood for the burnt

offering, and rose up, and went unto the

place of which God had told him.

Then on the third day Abraham lifted up

his eyes, and saw the place afar off.

And Abraham said unto his young me,

Abide ye here with the ass; and I and the

lad will go yonder and worship, and come

again to you.

And Abraham took the wood of the burnt

offering, and laid it upon Isaac his son; and

he took the fire in his hand, and a knife;

and they went both of them together.

And Isaac spake unto Abraham his father,

and said, My father: and he said, Here am I,

my son. And he said, Behold the fire and

the wood: but where is the lamb for a

burnt offering?

And Abraham said, My son, God will

provide himself a lamb for a burnt offering:

so they went both of them together.

And they came to the place which God

had told him of; and Abraham built an

altar there, and laid the wood in order, and

bound Isaac his son, and laid him on the

altar upon the wood.

And Abraham stretched froth his hand;

and took the knife to slay his son.

And the angel of the LORD called unto

him out of heaven, and said, Abraham,

Abraham: and he said, Here am I.

And he said, Lay not think hand upon

the lad, neither do thou any thing unto

him: for now I know that thou fearest God,

seeing thou hast not withheld thy son,

thine only son from me.

Genesis 22:1-12

Pastor Peacock said that worshipping God is about obeying Him in the smallest of details and yielding your will to His- it's not about the command, it's whether you obey.
Worshipping God is living for His pleasure, not your pleasure and choosing Him before you choose yourself.

The way they worshipped God in the Old Testament is the way we worship now: sacrifice.

While they sacrificed the best of their livestock, we sacrifice our lives. They sacrificed to take away their sins, Christ sacrificed Himself once and for all for all who believe, and we sacrifice our will daily to keep ourselves out of sin. My pastor often says this- if we're busy doing the right things we won't have time to do the wrong things.

And Samuel said, Hath the LORD as

great delight in burnt offerings and

sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the

LORD? Behold, to obey is better than

sacrifice, and to hearken than the fat of

rams.

1 Samuel 15:22

I won't go into this account of Saul's disobedience that lost him the kingdom (read it in 1 Samuel 15). Even though Saul had spared 'the best of the sheep and of the oxen, to sacrifice unto the LORD thy God;' (verse 15) it did not account for anything with God because Saul did not obey God's commandment ('now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not...' verse 3).

God would have gotten glory if Saul had obeyed every word, God got no glory because Saul thought better of the command. Pastor Peacock said this, '1% hesitation is %100 rebellion'. That's a hard saying but it's true.

So the question is, do you love Him more than you love yourself, is He on the throne or are you on the throne?

We will never be able to properly worship God if He does not occupy the throne of our lives. We can't share the throne with God: it's either Him or you. Pastor Peacock pointed out: God desires from us the only thing He can't give Himself: worship.

Back to devotions- most, if not all, of God's commandments are for our good.. Devotions, while they glorify Him, they are necessary for a close walk with God, to cleanse us, and keep us from sin.

I'm not really drawn to what's good for me (I will drink mocha frappucinos and eat poutine all day every day if I had no control over myself) so I falter very easily.

When I falter I can now remind myself that it's not just that devotions are good for me, necessary for walking with God, and the right thing to do. Getting up early, reading what God wants me to read, praying- that is what God wants me to do and obeying Him is worshipping Him.

No longer are my devotions for myself, they are in worship. Sacrificing my flesh to obey Him.