Thoughts

A few posts ago I shared advice given by ladies from my church at our ladies night.
When all was said and done and I was able to look back on what my advice was, I thought I should have rather given what I am about to write in this post.
I didn't regret the advice I gave, I just thought I could have given something more helpful. Also I get really excited when I talk in front of people and I don't think I ever make much sense.
Anyways, someone who was there came up to me on Sunday and told me that what I said helped them. So clearly the Lord had me say that for a reason.

Right now though, if they were to ask me again I would give this advice: control your thoughts.

When I was first married I had no idea that a thought life existed and that it needed to be lassoed, roped up and brought to utter submission.

I didn't realize how strongly thoughts effected you and what they resulted in outside. Once I was married I was forced to edit (or parent) myself from my outward actions down to my smallest inward thought.
My work situation at the time gave me plenty of leave to think about things. I allowed myself to think covetously about clothes, I ranted against my husband, thought whatever I wanted of others, and tried to make myself out to be better than I was.
Needless to say, all these things manifested themselves on the outside:

For as he thinketh in his heart so is he:

Proverbs 23:7a
And Jesus said, Are ye also yet without
understanding?
Do not ye yet understand, that whatsoever entereth
in at the mouth goeth into the belly, and is cast out
into the draught?
But those things which proceed out of the mouth
come forth from the heart; and they defile the man.
For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders,
adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness,
blasphemies:
These are the things which defile a man: but to eat
with unwashen hands defileth not a man.
Matthew 15:16-20
But all things that are reproved are made manifest
by the light: for whatsoever doth make manifest is
light.
Ephesians 5:13

Everything inside will eventually come out. It just takes time.

As one preacher said, things we consider great sins do not happen suddenly and are not out of character. Whatever it is that was done was the manifestation of what the person thought about and harboured in their heart. In other words, if a man cheats on his wife after 10 years of marriage, he was adulterous in his heart years before the actual physical act took place.

If I regard iniquity in my heart, the Lord will not hear me:

Psalm 66:18

The things we keep in our heart effects our relationship with God first. It has been said so many times that if we put God first in our lives and maintain a good relationship with Him, the rest of our relationships will fall into place and thrive.

This post is about my thought life in my marriage but don't mistake that my wicked thoughts were a result of a sin problem that was preventing a good relationship with God. All the changes I was able to make were a result of a consistent relationship with God and His mercy in pointing things out to me. If you stay in the Word God will show you things when you're out and about. At the exact right time He will reveal something to you that changes your world and the way you do things. I hope this post conveys that.

Thinking covetously about clothes was the fist thing to go because it was making me miserable. I could easily see the effects my thoughts were having on me and I cut it out immediately. God hates covetousness, by the way, see my post on it here.

Ranting against my husband in my mind took a long time. The problem with ranting in your mind is that you begin to imagine things, you blow things out of proportion, you gain confidence where you shouldn't, your pride builds up, and you lose all logic. Even if you are right to be angry about something, ranting in your mind about it will lose you the argument- you've lost all reason.

Since I often fought with my husband in my head, I often fought with him at home. It was bad for a while but then a few things happened to help actually consider what I was doing:

I stopped listening to debates- they were making me aggressive and belligerent.

I stopped taking birth control pills- I need to pause at this one because it really made a big difference in our marriage. When my husband and I spoke of this before we were married he advised me to avoid birth control pills. For me it was the simplest thing so I went on them. Now, there was a sin problem that needed to be taken care of and I can't blame the birth control. I will point out that as soon as I stopped taking them- about six months into my marriage- we fought less. It's a known fact that birth control plays with your hormones and I recall being bloated all the time and generally very uncomfortable.

After those things I read this verse:

An ungodly man diggeth up evil: and in his lips

there is a burning fire.

Proverbs 16:27

I knew that was me as soon as I read it. If anything I want to be godly so right then and there I repented of digging up evil and put away the burning fire in my lips. 

I had a lot of damage to repair. I had been argumentative and volatile for months and it was how my husband expected me to react. I stopped letting small things get to me, I picked my battles wisely and instead of letting things fester, I'd calmly talk to my husband about it right away.

We stopped arguing but the healing process took a long time. I had a lot of hard of hard ground to break up and deep rooted weeds to pull out because of the bad seeds I had sown.

At a ladies retreat just over two years ago our speaker said this: ranting in your mind gives place to the devil.

The devil is trying to destroy your testimony and one of the ways he can do it is by destroying your marriage. Don't give him place.

The other thing about this is when you are right, react the right way. Being right about something or being the one who was wronged does not justify the way you react. Our example is Christ:

For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ

also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye

should follow his steps:

Who did no sin, neither was guile found in his

mouth:

Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when

he suffered he threatened not; but committed himself

to him that judgeth righteously:

1 Peter 2:21-23

Let God handle it. He'll give you more justice than you can give yourself.

The other way my thoughts were effecting my marriage was how I thought about myself. I was vain in a lot of ways when I had no reason to be. 

One big thing was that I had to be the most beautiful woman and no one else could even be pretty.

We'd be watching TV, I'd feel threatened by someone else's beauty and I'd casually ask, 'do you think she's pretty?'. Well, there was no right answer to that question because if he said 'no' I wouldn't believe him and if he said 'yes' I'd just get mad at him. These situations resulted in a lot of those fights where you have no idea what you're fighting about, how it even started, but you will win at whatever cost.

I was walking home from work one day and it FINALLY occurred to me that I am not the prettiest, I'll never be, and I should accept it and be happy for people who are.

I repented of my vanity right away. What I did not expect was that I began to be a much happier and more grateful person.

This is really interesting because if you are thankful for what you are, what you have, and how God has blessed you- even when you are mediocre looking, you have little, and God has blessed you with hundreds of dollars rather than millions- you can be really happy and impervious to covetousness, pride, and the need to justify yourself.

A preacher said it like this, 'Don't be envious of people because you have no idea what it cost them to get what they have. Take David for example. God used him for great things but David's sin is written in the bible and will be left there for eternity. Are you willing to have your sin written in God's perfect Word for all to read for eternity?'

No. Not me.

As I learned these things I began to produce the following:

-I started just being happy for other people when they were better than me. This just sets you free. You don't feel anymore pressure to dress the best, look the best, be the smartest, or whatever is important to you. You get to just be and do what you can. It's so freeing.

-I stopped comparing myself to others because there is no comparison between people. God deals with us all differently, we all deal with different things, and simply saying, 'I would do it this way' just comes from what you know and what you've experienced- the other person has different knowledge and experience.

-I began to have more mercy on people. I made cream scones for sunday school one day and a child bit into one, spat it out, loudly complained that it was horrible, and threw the rest of it in the garbage. Before that would've offended me. Now I just look at that and feel sorry that that child doesn't have the manners not to react like that. It's the same way I look at scantily dressed teens in my neighbourhood, people who fall for false religions, and others who are on wayward paths. I feel sorry that they just don't know better and thankful that by God's grace (and ONLY by His grace) I do know better.

The last thing I needed to be rid of- at least get a handle on- was thinking too much about what my husband needed to change. It's so easy to listen to a sermon and think 'I hope he's listening. This is something he needs to hear' or read scripture and apply it to my husband (or anyone else for that matter).
The fact is, you can't change anyone. As Dr. Peacock says, 'if the Holy Spirit can't change them, what makes you think you can?'
My husband once told me that I am the best testimony to him when I quietly go about my business and serve the Lord. I have no idea when I was ever like that and I've seriously tried to attain to it since he told me that.
Something to remember is that unsolicited advice is never heeded. People- including your husband- are not going to listen to you in an area they do not want to be told what to do in.
As many preachers have pointed out: you won't be answering for them at the judgement seat. You'll be answering for yourself. Focus on your own shortcomings.
Now, this doesn't mean I don't tell my husband when I think he's doing something wrong. One time he decided to do something and I was very bothered by it. It did not effect me in any way but I felt very strongly that his conduct was wrong. That night I spoke to him very calmly and logically about it. He told me that I was right and he apologized.
There are things in both my husband and myself that need to change. There are many things we both fall short on. My reaction to my husband's shortcomings cannot be to correct them. My reaction has to be prayer.
God has worked a lot on me through the things I thought my husband needed to change. I don't know what's best. I don't know my husband's heart the way God does. I don't know anything I need to know about my husband. God does know and all I can do, as a good wife, is encourage my husband to do right and pray for him.
Once I stopped looking for ways my husband could improve I started appreciating him a whole lot more. I noticed good things about him I never did before. I started being more of an encouragement to him too because I was generally more positive toward him.

I hope I conveyed what a difference your thoughts make in your marriage. I can't say that I've completely stopped some of the things I've written about above. It's hard work but you've got to be picky about what you let in your mind.
This will be one of the joys of being in heaven: you won't have to worry about what you think anymore. It will just be right. You will open your mouth to say something and what you say will be right. You won't have to wonder what to do next and whether you're making the right decision or not. You'll know what's right and you'll do what's right.
On this side of heaven, however, all we can do is stay close to God by (trying) to keep our minds clean.

For I know the things that come into your mind, every one of them.

Ezekiel 11:5d

Peonies

My first peony finally bloomed! I've been watching for it every day and today it bloomed!

After roses peonies are my favourite. I just love the colour of these ones too- just a hint of pink.

I've been on a bit of an emotional roller coaster recently. Lots of things are happening and I finally realized that God is teaching me things about my feelings and emotions.

There are times in life, at least in mine, where God says, 'this is a problem and it's stopping now'. He tightens the screws and reveals an area that needs go. A preacher said it like this: the Word is a two edged sword, it will break you or (if you let it) it will make the necessary clean, clear, and surgical cut that will heal and make you better.

All the things that God has put in my path have tested, tried, and proved me. By proved I mean shown me what is the heart of the matter. This is a hard surgery but I know it's a necessary one.

One thing that makes me happy is my garden. I ate a strawberry from it yesterday, my beans are growing, I already harvested some of my oregano, and I'm growing my favourite vegetable (brussel sprouts!).

I was walking through the yard a few weeks ago and I realized that I am living a dream. Not my ultimate dream (that may or may not include riding a horse every morning and a room full of yarn) but a dream.

My dream that I am living is this: we have a backyard, my son can play in it all day, I have a full garden with lots of roses, five peony plants, and plenty of other delightful things coming in. I've always wanted to have fresh flowers around my home and now I get to. My husband is doing work that makes him happy, I have a wonderful Bible class that edifies me, my family lives close, and my son likes spicy food. 

This all may sound mediocre and uninteresting but I've found by experience that gratitude gives you strength.

We don't own our home and may possibly have to move in 3 months but we wouldn't have it any other way. I'm just grateful I got to see my peonies bloom, my roses will be next, maybe I'll eat a plum, an apricot, or a pear off one of our trees. I can't waste my time worrying. If we do have to leave our home in the near future I don't want to regret being ungrateful and wasting time wallowing in unedifying emotions. 

So while God is teaching me hard things right now I can't fight against it and allow it to make me miserable. It's just waste of time. I have to approach it with gratitude. Grateful that this needs to go so that I am better off, happier, and a blessing to others in the future. Grateful that God knows the time is now- I'm ready for it. 

I've learned this too: you are the most grateful when you truly realize that God is in control. He knows where you are, what happened, why it happened, and what He will make out of it. Looking at something from the perspective that God allowed it will help you learn from things you may think are insignificant.

I'm glad God is teaching me. I'm glad I've learned not to control everything around me. I'm glad I can just let be and be thankful for the things that are.

I wasn't actually planning on writing any tonight (you can probably tell) but I hope it makes sense and that its a blessing.

Ladies Night

We had a ladies night at church on Sunday night and we were all given the opportunity to give marital advice to a friend who will soon be married.
The advice was great.
It's really lovely to hear advice from women who are determined to make their marriages work- not for pride, security, or money- but for the love of God and His glory.
The other thing is that as women we need to encourage each other. My sister spoke about it yesterday- the things we do are not easy. As close as we are to our husbands they will never really understand what it is like to be a woman and all those things that womanhood, motherhood, wifehood entail. We just need to be there for each other, encourage each other, and strengthen each other in the Lord.

Everyone had great advice. It was great because God gave it to them, they use it, and it's helped their marriages. It's real. This kind of thing has to be passed along. I didn't get everything down and I certainly did not do the spirit of the gathering justice. The following are the notes I took with my comments in italic.

- Don't ever stop saying fun, intimate things to each other. Show him you love him with love notes, impromptu gifts. Don't let the excitement of 'I love you' die.

I loved her advice because it was all about having fun with each other. It's not just the sweet things but also things you wouldn't want anyone else to hear. Own the intimacy you have with your husband. It's a God given freedom to be celebrated, not quenched. You should have as much fun (if not more) with it the longer you're married.

- Proverbs 13:10- Only by pride cometh contention.

When a fight happens usually one of you- or both- are in pride. If it's you just let it go.

Proverbs 17:14- Leave off contention before it be meddled with

-don't say anything that may turn into a fight. Leave the small issues

-Pick your battles wisely

For example: I'd rather my husband smoked then didn't pay any attention to his son. While smoking kills you, the harm you can do our family is far more insidious.

-Communication. Just communicating your thoughts and desires makes all the difference.

This encompasses everything from your emotions, to physical desires, to every day things.

-Marriage is not just about sweet times. It's a roller coaster.

-God will see you through the hard times. Take everything to God in prayer

-Proverbs 14:1- Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.

-Your husband needs encouragement. Know what he likes to hear

-Colossians 3:13- Forbearing on another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.

-A good marriage is made up of two good forgivers

-Don't let things build up- bitterness will grow.

-Don't continually bring up things from the past- let them go

Even though things are said and we get hurt we need to choose to put those things away and not speak of them again. (She explained this really well but I can't remember her exact words. I hope I get the gist of it accross at least)

-Keep short accounts with each other and with God

-leave sowing and reaping to God

-Get into proper habits: pray together everyday. You need to hear yourselves pray for each other.

She mentioned that it encourages you to do right

-have the character to keep the good habits going

-Your husband needs to know you love God the most

-Be submitted to God first

-Communicate the right way with the right attitude: correct response, correct thinking, correct perspective, correct tone. How does HE perceive YOUR tone?

-You each have your own relationship with God. You will not have the same convictions. Use those differences in convictions to grow.

This was my advice to her because God has been really challenging me by my husband's and my differences lately (in a good way). Popular culture will tell you (or show you) that 'perfect couples' are completely in sync, think alike, and so on. Recently a friend of mine who has been married for close to thirty years told me that her and her husband do not think alike at all. She can never figure out what he is thinking or how he'll do something. I needed to hear that. 

-It's not up to you to change him. Leave that to God.

-Remember that you love him and that your love covers every issue that comes up.

-Take time to appreciate the things about him you particularly love.

The things you love about him- especially the small things can completely change your mood. I actually want to write about all the things I love about my husband so I'll leave that until that post but one thing that brings me immediate comfort is his size. He's so tall and I love it when his strong arms envelope me. A few nights ago I was just grumpy because I was grumpy. My husband gave me a giant and very loving hug and my grumpiness went away. 

-Men are not mind readers

-Don't shy away from telling him what you are thinking.

-You both need to share your thoughts

-Know how to talk to each other- you'll avoid lots of arguments this way

This is really great advice because knowing how to talk to your husband makes a huge difference. This takes a lot of control (at least for me). You don't have to bury feelings, wants, needs deep down if you know how to present them rationally to your husband in a way he'll understand and respond to.

-Pride has no place- don't hesitate to be the first to rectify the situation

If you start doing this, he'll start doing this. Choosing not to be angry, choosing to say 'it was me' changes his attitude toward you

-Forgiveness makes a huge difference

-Have family devotions

She mentioned that when a fight happened, doing devotions together was like a band aid

-Give everything to the Lord

-Ephesians 4:26-Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: neither give place to the devil.

-Proverbs 15:1- A soft answer turneth away wrath: but greivous words stir up anger.

-Have God first in your life for spiritual growth. Your husband will appreciate it

-Don't speak badly about your husband- no complaining about him

-Before you're married choose someone trustworthy that you can go to if you are having a serious problem in your marriage.

Well there you have it. I hope this was encouragement and/or help to you! It certainly has helped me.