Reason vs Feelings

One of the things I quickly learned in high school was that people don't think like me. I know- duh!- but it really had not occurred to me that people would have different values and those values shaped their priorities, expectations, desires, and outlook. In elementary school there isn't really much exchanging of ideas or values but in high school there is more emphasis on individuality. You quickly learn your place and if you are not humbled there is something wrong with you.
After being home for several years and being able to choose who I am surrounded by I've almost forgotten this but I was recently reminded of it.

You see, I expect one thing from the people around me: that they are reasonable.
More often then not, however reasonable a person is in their actions and interactions, they are very unreasonable in their thoughts.

The biggest detriments to being reasonable are emotions and feelings. The things we feel and the emotions that take over us inhibit growth and that's why we have this identity politics taking over. Political correctness was borne out of people's feelings.

Recently a person described Prime Minister Trudeau's '2015' comment as 'brilliant'. It's not logically brilliant to say that an equally male to female ratio of cabinet ministers is necessary because 'it's 2015'. It's stupid. The only reason someone can describe that as brilliant is for it to appeal to their feelings.

At the moment I am faced with a problem that cannot be addressed because it would hurt this person's feelings. Believe me when I say I would gladly hurt their feelings to tell them the truth. However, this person has proved that their feelings are more important than reason, growth, and learning. Telling them the truth will serve no other purpose than to hurt their feelings and make them mad at me. So the problem goes on because it cannot be addressed because feelings.

The only way you learn is by hard things. The only way you grow as a person is by seeing or hearing the truth about yourself.
It is not an easy thing but if you want to grow and get better you will put yourself under God's knife and let Him cut away those pieces of you that need to go.

I hope I can always see the truth about myself- it keeps me humble. I hope I can always take the truth about my child and my husband and my family.
Emotions and feelings prevent the truth because the truth hurts. If you can take it, however, that is a great thing because you will learn and grow and God will use you.

The wise in heart will receive

commandments: but a prating fool shall fall.

Proverbs 10:8

Puerto Vallarta

Hola!

We're back! Got back Saturday night around midnight. I actually wrote the majority of this post on Sunday but I was waiting for my sister-in-law to send me pictures. She hasn't so I'll just post anyway.
Instead of jumbling together random highlights from our trip I thought I'd share a bit from each day.
We stayed at the Sunset Plaza Beach Resort and Spa in Puerto Vallarta and it was all inclusive. The food was really good and the people were very kind. My husband and I were saying that we would certainly visit there again and stay at the same place. The resort is about five years old so it's very new and they are planning an expansion- or so I've heard. We went at the tail end of 'low season' so we had a lot of freedom and had many things to ourselves. All the rooms come with an ocean view and we got to see beautiful sunsets, sunrises, and a fantastic lightning storm.
People kept thinking I was Mexican or at least that I spoke Spanish- neither of which is true- and they were always surprised when I couldn't understand. While I don't speak fluent french my vocabulary is still really good so I picked up on a lot of the similar words in Spanish.

My Thursday morning at 6:30

Friday morning around 6:50

Day 1- (Friday, November 4) Travel day. Flew out of Seattle around 6:50 am, had a layover in Orange County for about an hour then continued to Puerto Vallarta. We arrived around 4pm local time and got to the hotel around 5. My husband, son, and I had been up since 6:30am the day before (Thursday), and hadn't slept properly in over 24 hours. We were duly exhausted so we ate, let our son play in the pool for a bit, went up to the room, ordered room service, fell asleep waiting for it, ate, then we all slept for 12 hours.

The top one

Arriving in Puerto Vallarta

Ocean view from our room

City view from outside our door

Sunset by the pools

Day 2- (Saturday November 5) woke up refreshed and happy. We had breakfast then my husband and I hit up the local Walmart because neither of us had bathing suits or flipflops and we wanted to get our son a floaty device.
It was a Walmart like all Walmarts we've been to. We found what we were looking for then went to pay. There was a woman bagging our purchases and I noticed money on the counter under her. I wondered if we were supposed to tip her but we didn't and I had to go to the washroom. When I came out my husband said 'I think we're supposed to tip the baggers'. There was a line of them sitting on benches wearing blue vests. I promptly went back and gave the lady all our change. We felt terrible that we hadn't tipped her right away so I ran back to her. She looked rather sad but she cheered right up when I gave her the money. My husband and I figured they make all their money from tips.
We took the taxi there and walked back- it was about ten blocks from our hotel and it was nice to leisurely walk (holding hands!) without having to wrangle our son. We sat at Starbucks (obviously) to cool down for a bit-

my 'I found the starbucks!' photo I sent to my dad

Once we got back  we ate lunch and hung out in the pool.
There are five pools there. One little one in the children's area, one separate adult's only pool, and three of them interconnected- a children's pool, a giant pool with underwater seats and a bar, and a lower pool for lounging. The children's pool is the perfect height for our son, small enough to play in, and deep enough for any adult to sit comfortably.

We got our son a little jetski- he LOVES it

We spent the rest of the day relaxing and after dinner we hung out with my sister's-in-law and nephew playing dutch blitz.

Day 3- (Sunday November 6) I woke up early and tuned in live to Bible Baptist Church's morning service. I was right in time to hear the preaching. They were having their annual 'King James Jubilee' (their revival meeting) so I got to hear a different preacher preach. He preached on this passage:

It is better to go to the house of mourning,

than to go to the house of feasting: for that

is the end of all men; and the living will lay it

to his heart.

Sorrow is better than laughter: for by the

sadness of the countenance the heart is

made better.

The heart of the wise is in the house of

mourning: but the heart of fools is in the

house of mirth.

Ecclesiastes 7:2-4

He spoke on verse three about how sorrow is good for your heart and the things it does to your heart. It was a good message with good food for me. 

After breakfast we all got into the pool and stayed there until mid afternoon. My sister-in-law and I went to get our nails done in the Neptune Plaza. We were going to do them at the hotel spa but a lady told my sister-in-law about a great place that costs less than $10 for either a manicure or a pedicure. I ALWAYS get pedicures on vacation- or whenever I can. I just love them. The last time I had a pedicure was in Lincoln City, Oregon last year for my mother-in-law's 70th birthday. So we went and with tip and everything I spent around $10. Since we were walk-ins and it was a Sunday we had to go one after the other. I went first so while my sister-in-law was getting her nails done I explored the plaza a bit-

Frappucino in hand, turquoise toes

The marina, just behind the plaza- really beautiful place

After dinner we played in the pool until it was time for bed.

Day 4- (Monday November 7) After breakfast and the pool my sisters-in-law, nephew and I took a cab to 'Centro' or downtown. We walked along the pier, in and out of shops.

Pretty walk on the pier

I loved how it looked up the alley. I love the architecture
and how many people have
plants spilling from their windows and balcony's.

I bought a few t-shirts and an adorable Mexican outfit for my son-

This picture was taken our last day there.

We had lunch at a beautiful sea side restaurant then took a taxi back to the hotel. I walked into our hotel room to find my son sitting on the bed eating chocolate cake and watching a movie.

It was late afternoon so I brought him down to the pool to swim and promptly dropped my phone in the water. Up until this point I had mostly left my phone in the room so the one time I actually brought it out I drop it -.-

My phone didn't suffer the effects of being dropped in water until the day after. My home button doesn't work, and my lock button is kind of shoddy but everything else seems fine. The home button makes a big difference so I'm going to have to fix it somehow and at some point.
We played in the pool then took a walk down the beach where my sister-in-law was playing beach volleyball. The waves were huge so my son and I stood in the water and let the waves splash us. I had to hold him with both hands to keep him from getting pulled in.
After we got back to our room we got a call saying they were releasing turtles on the beach.
These sea turtles are extinct so scientists keep track of them and watch the mothers lay their eggs. Once shes done and leaves the nest the scientists take the eggs from their nests to a nursery to protect them. Once the turtles hatch they release them into the sea. The hotel we stayed at has their own nursery and there were more than 100 baby turtles so everyone on the beach who wanted to got to place a turtle on the beach and watch them crawl toward the water.

My phone died just as I was taking this video.

After this we ate dinner and spent the rest of the evening in the pool.

Day 5- (Monday November 7) I woke up really bummed about my phone so my husband took my son down to breakfast and I was able to get a few minutes to myself. I finally felt better and went down for breakfast and some pool time.

It was this day they told me that they ran out of strawberry syrup for my virgin daiquiris so I tried the tamarind and got hooked. This was mostly a pool day. My husband got a bad headache near the end of the day so I kept my son occupied out of our hotel room for the most of the day.

Day 6- (Tuesday November 8) Election day was bright and beautiful in Puerto Vallarta. Everyone was a little on edge. 

We spent the morning in the pool and went up to our room after lunch. We wound up falling asleep waking just in time for dinner.
After dinner I was anxious to watch my favorite political commentators live stream election coverage. I'm not that into politics but this election cycle was a good distraction for me and I learned a lot from the people I listen to. As a Canadian I can look at the US election with amused indifference. That's all I'll say.

Day 7- (Wednesday November 9) We got up late, picked up pastries at the hotel deli and took the bus to Sayulita, Nayriat. It was about an hours bus ride up through the city then into the jungle. I'm not that fond of the city but I loved how a short bus ride took us into a jungle.

That video is a little bit of the drive- when it started getting really scenic. Outside our hotel room I could see lots of green mountains and I wondered what they were like up close. I got to see what they are like on the road to Sayulita. I didn't get any pictures of it but there was lush green foliage all along the road and branches reaching over the road creating a beautiful green drive along a dusty road.
We finally got to Sayulita- a beautiful little sea side surf town. The bus dropped us off by this random fork in the road so we walked two or so blocks along a dirt road into Sayulita. In the town itself are small rocky streets with close shops. I could see houses along the slopes from the beach- big beautiful sanctuaries overlook the hippy beach town that is Sayulita.
I feel like there were more tourists there than were staying at the resort I was staying at. I could see many tanned locals who looked like they came from another part of the world to settle there. The tourists were one thing and the locals were quite another. There was a distinct style among them- a kind of yogi, beach, hippy, artist style that was being promoted and sold at almost every shop.
The artistry there is beautiful. We went into many shops where the owners made everything themselves from clothes to jewellery to tiles to dishes to accessories and more. There was lots of embroidery, pompoms, beads, and so many clothes- all of which I love. The exorbitant prices (in my opinion) told me that these people weren't just selling their art, they are selling a life style and a culture. There were bits and pieces I would have loved to purchase but they were all things that would be odd one ofs. I left Sayulita to Sayulita. Maybe one day I'll go back and create something in my own life from there.

I loved these colourful banners but they were mostly decorated
with skeletons

We explored a lot, didn't buy anything except lunch- we sat at tables on the beach while our son dug in the sand with the silverware (so classy) and had the most delicious margarita pizza. We left Sayulita in the mid afternoon. Our bus going back was a rickity old thing that bounced a lot. My husband, son and I sat in the back and boy was it bumpy. Our son slept the whole time so my husband and I relaxed and enjoyed the ride together. It was really, really hot and in most circumstances I would be uncomfortable and grumpy. In this case, however, my husband and I had so much fun sitting there and laughing together- we loved the experience. I think our Mexico trip would have been incomplete without that bus trip. We got in the shower right when we got back then went into the pool.

Day 8- (Thursday November 10) After breakfast my sisters-in-law kindly watched our son while my husband and I went to shop for things. I wanted to get a Mexican dress but I couldn't find any that I loved. I got two dresses- one an off white linen dress with crocheted details, the other a yellow maxi. My husband got a Mexican shirt that matches my son's and I got some little souvenirs for some people back home. We were able to shop within four blocks of the hotel so even though it was hot and sunny, we were very relaxed. I did sort of wind up with a Mexican dress but it was bought by my father-in-law for his wife and it's too big for her so she gave it to me. I would only change the embroidery on the front and it would be absolutely perfect but I'm grateful for it anyways.
We got back and I went to play beach volleyball with my sister-in-law while my husband took our son out of the sun for a while. Beach is my favorite form of volleyball and I can't remember the last time I played it. It was fun and I wish I could've gotten out for it a few more times.


Day 9- (Friday November 11) At 7:30am we were in a taxi and on our way to the marina to take a boat to a beautiful private island called Las Caletas. The boat ride was about an hour and the day was cloudy so we got a nice breeze as we travelled.

There were caves in these islands and blue footed boobies flying over top

We went with a tour group so they provided us with breakfast and lunch. We were able to explore a bit of the island and we had activities like snorkeling, paddle boarding, zip lining, kayaking, and many more available to us. There were lots of hammocks swinging over the water which we promptly took advantage of.

Screen shot of a pic my sis-in-law took

For the first little bit I collected lots and lots of shells.

Some of the shells I brought home

I decided to go paddle boarding- I've always wanted to try it. I loved it and its one of those things I think I'll always do whenever I get the chance. My husband, son and I went in a kayak after that and saw beautiful little fish in the water.

While all this was going on the tour group has photographers taking pictures of you. By the end of our day there they had taken 131 pictures of us- they loved our son- and we all chipped in to purchase a USB of all of them ($80).
After kayaking my son and I played in the water for a while

Then it was lunch time and we were served a buffet of authentic Mexican food. The spicy salsa was actually spicy, and we got to see our tortillas hand pressed. They were probably the best tortillas I've ever had.
Once lunch was over we walked around and got to see some of the animals that live there- monkeys, macaws, hawks, flamingos, parakeets, and snakes. I got to hold a monkey and a parakeet. My husband got to hold and kiss a macaw.

Before we left I managed to get this family picture-

It was a great tour and I highly recommend it. I beleive the company is called 'Vallarta Adventures'. They take great care of you- you always feel safe.
My son and I went straight into the pool when we got back then we had a leisurley dinner for our final night.

Day 10- (Saturday November 12) Woke up bright and early, finished packing, had breakfast then spent an hour and a half in the pool with my son. We checked out around noon and flew out of Puerto Vallarta around 2pm local time. It was a smooth trip and we got home around midnight.

From Puerto Vallarta to LAX

It was a good vacation and I am very thankful for it.
Neither my husband nor myself had ever had a vacation like that before- to a tropical place, staying in a hotel with everything provided. We agreed we'd definitely go there again and stay at the same place. Almost every night we went for family swims in the pool. All the things I wanted to do I didn't do because I was mostly playing with my son. I didn't take many pictures because I didn't want to feel obligated to. We took a break from pretty much everything.
I think we probably had the best time of everyone who went with us and I think it's because we went just to be happy and free and enjoy the blessing of being able to go. We had no burdens on us- we left those at home. The lust of the flesh and the pride of life that enslaved others and made them miserable did not have power over us. Even though going away meant we were away from our troubles and free from our usual restraint we did not have the means to let our flesh run rampant and control us. We did not have the flesh to take over and ruin the things God has done. This trip showed me how God has worked on us and the things that we unknowingly have become under the pressure we have faced.
Everything God does is for our good and His glory. I don't think I could have had the time I had and the satisfaction I continue to enjoy from it if it wasn't for the past few months we've had.
People at work today kept saying, 'I'm so jealous you got to go away'. I doubt they're serious but it made me think about something I always think about when it comes to jealousy and envy: you don't know the cost.
Sure I got to go away on an all inclusive vacation to a tropical place but would you be willing to go through the last six months of my life to be able to do that? If I described those six months to you, I bet you wouldn't.
During this time of pressure and change I've often looked at others- like in Costco sometimes when people's carts are bursting with food, books, and toys- and envied them for a moment. Then I remember that I don't know what they are going home to, what they will face tomorrow, what they have faced, and whether or not they will go to heaven. Even though our cart has just the basic necessities in it, I wouldn't trade places with them for the world because I am right where God wants me and I am going to heaven for sure.

Mexico

It's been a very hectic week for me- I worked full time hours because we had to receive a lot of new merchandise and flip the whole store. The last two mornings I started at 6:30 and last night I couldn't settle down enough to sleep until past midnight so I'm running on very few hours sleep.
We had lots to do today after I got off at 3- my husband, son, and I are headed off to Mexico for eight days. I am hoping with all my heart I will have time to finish my Halloween post that I was supposed to finish for Halloween but couldn't.
We're known about our trip to Mexico since last Christmas so it's been something to look forward to but also something so distant it didn't seem real. Even now with my bags packed and house tidy, I don't feel the excitement and anticipation that normally accompanies vacations.
It will be a proper vacation for us though because it's all inclusive- we don't have to cook or anything. We get to explore and swim and relax and I'm hoping to get a pedicure at some point at the spa.
Other things I'd like to do are buy lots of beads (because I'm back into beading apparently), buy a Mexican dress, and buy a big floppy hat. Yep. I dream of spending money...
More non material things I'd like to do is spend lots of time with my son who I don't get to see as often as I used to and I miss him, give the gospel out, and spend at least one evening alone with my husband.
I'll post pictures and tell of my adventures (if any) while I'm there hopefully!

Suck It Up

So in case you haven't noticed, things have changed a lot for my family and I since the beginning of September.
We're adapting the best we can and it helps that our son is very flexible. All the changes mean he's been going to bed between nine and eleven o'clock most nights then getting up early. He's been a trooper about it. We've also been unable to attend the things we would normally attend which is kind of a bummer but it's just the reality of our situation right now.

People keep asking me how I feel about going back to work and I've been telling them that I'm still figuring out my feelings on the matter.
When it finally sunk in that I was going back to work I was absolutely wretched about it. It meant I had to leave my son and not be at home to take care of everything. As the time approached I began to be excited about the change- curious about what it would do to our family and interested to see what it would reveal about me. When work finally started, I found it very restful to be away. We were opening a brand new store which is very busy and exciting. Now that excitement of opening has died down, I find work a lot less restful and a lot more to worry about. We're having staffing issues so I'm unable to spend as much time in the backroom as I need to. There's also Christmas coming up and I hate Christmas in retail.
Part of me is pretty whiny about having to go back to work. Frankly it depresses me that I'm working again. When I left my job in January 2013, a month before I gave birth to my son, I intended never again to go to work. My 'job' would be taking care of my husband, baby, and home.
Now I'm back in a retail store, having to smile at customers, NOT looking forward to the craze of Christmas, and trying to do everything to the best I can do while many of my coworkers don't.
The fact is I don't want to work at all.
The other part of me, whenever I get complain-y in my mind, is ever there to chime in 'suck it up'. Working outside my home is not what I want but it is what is necessary right now. There are two women in my life right now that work out of necessity for their families. Every time I look at my schedule and heart drops at the hours I have to put in, I think of those two women- they do so much more than I do. We do what we have to do for our families and it does take self sacrifice. I'm very fortunate that my husband can watch my son most times and my sister is there to watch him when neither of us can (thanks so much, Aber).
I'm incredibly grateful for the women in my life and the way God points things out about them to me to give me perspective on things going on in my life. It's not a physical struggle I am going through with this. This is a mental struggle wherein I need to control my thoughts and keep my mind. The most helpful people when it comes to things going on in your mind are the people who don't really say or do anything to help you. I was down a little while ago and I was with a woman from church and she just told me about her experiences. She didn't advise me and tell me what to do. She just told me what had happened to her. It was all the strength I needed. When it comes to the ladies that are most helpful in getting my mind in the right place- they have never said anything, they just go quietly about their business serving God. They may never know what a blessing it is to me, how their sacrifices helped more than just their family. The biggest blessing about it, is that they're doing it when no one is watching, for no other reason than that its the right thing.
It is seriously the worst when people come up and give you all kinds of advice and all their 'knowledge' on things they really don't know about- because no one ever knows anything about what's going on with you. Inevitably when things are going wrong, people question whether you're in God's will or not or think you sinned so you're being punished. It makes it harder when you yourself keep asking those questions and God gives you an answer and you're sure of it. The woman who helped me on my down day told me one thing and it had nothing to do with me- 'we were right in the middle of God's will but we were struggling'. No one knows the recesses of someone else's mind. No one can know the deep dark thoughts, the questions, the tears, the struggles you go through just to get through a bad day. Yet they see small part of it at some point or another, put on the 'Holy Spirit' suit, and try to tell you what they think God wants you to hear. You. Don't. Know. You don't know the passages of scripture we read, what we pray for, the way God answers, the way God leads.
Unsolicited advice is never heeded- as I like to say and as many like to say. Just shut up and do right and you will encourage and influence the people who need it most.

And so, I am working because God put me there. The way the job came up, the way it was offered, the position I have, the experience that I have, have all clearly been designed by God.
There are three things lately that have put me in rough spots, spots I do not like, would never approve of, but God has given me the wisdom to see the good those things have done and the benefit to our family.
He always gives you the grace to do His will, and if you look at it His way instead of your own way, He'll teach you things and show you why you're there.
Over the last few weeks I've been able to spend lots of time in my backroom talking to my stock people and I've been able to share the gospel with three of them.
Going in, I knew my focus had to be winning souls and I forget where I was when this verse was read to me- either in church or a ladies bible study I've been going to:

For even the Son of man came not to be

ministered unto, but to minister, and to give

his life a ransom for many.

Mark 10:45

I'm not comparing myself to Christ and I'm not saying I'm giving my life for the people I'm working with.

When this was read to me I heard 'came not to be ministered unto, but to minister' and it occurred to me that that's why I'm working, I'm working where I'm working, and I'm working with the people I'm working with. I'm there to minister to others. 

I hope this helps you in some small way.

Work

Once again it has been a long time since I have written.
Once again it's not for the lack of interest but for the lack of time.

Things have been going on in my house that have in many ways paralyzed us and only the necessary things have been done.
Another thing is I unexpectedly came across a job and I'm now working part time. Initially I was only supposed to help open the store (it's a clothing store) but I was offered a job as their stock/ops manager.
It was all very sudden and we prayed lots about it and we are confident that taking it and pursuing it is the Lord's will.
I was offered another job but chose not to take it- after praying very hard about it- and it turned out to be the absolute right decision. Had I not made that decision myself, it would have been made for me.

Being back at work is not so bad. It gives me time away from home where I don't have to worry about my son or making sure I'm being productive. I find myself a lot more peaceful now because I get more quiet time than I had been throughout the summer.
I've noticed the bond between my son and husband is stronger because they're spending more time together and my son is more independent now.
It will be interesting balancing work and home but I am looking forward to that challenge.
I am most pleased that I will mostly NOT be working on the floor dealing with customers. The back room is my domain and I am in charge of it. We are an outlet store so we will have lots of stock coming in every week. I also get a discount on clothes which makes me happy.

There's lots to write about but my mind is not so clear as to allow me to write it for others to read.
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers, if you are indeed praying for us.

Prayer Request

Hi,

I don't often, or ever on this blog, ask for prayer but my husband and I need particular prayer. If you could spare a few moments and intercede for us, we would be very thankful.

-Grace

Opinions

One of the things I try my hardest to avoid when teaching and writing is my opinion. I know that sounds funny but remember that I teach and write about scripture and spiritual matters.

I know from experience that if you harp on your opinions too much people get hurt. They will either begin to take it personally even if you don't mean it that way or you can wind up leading them astray or skewing their motives because they begin to see your opinion as biblical truth.

My opinion is that it is best to spend quiet time with God in the morning before anything else happens. However, on nights I can't sleep I get up and do my devotions then and sleep in the next morning. Am I far away from God because I did my devotions a lot earlier in the morning? Nope.

If in class I tell my girls all the time that they better start the day with devotions or they won't be well equipped to handle their days and walk close to God, I'll make them think that not getting up early and doing their devotions is a sin. Worse still I'll make them stressed out and worried because they can't get up early enough to spend enough time in the bible. Worse still is I have five girls going out and judging others for not doing their devotions in the morning.

Am I making sense?

We're not all the same person so God requires different things from each of us. Maybe nightly, afternoonly devotions is better and more edifying for others. All I know is that christians should spend time with God. WHEN and HOW they do it is between them and God.

I write this blog as a testament to what God is teaching me. Incidentally my favourite teaching on the bible comes from people who clearly have an ongoing, close, and growing relationship with God. Their wisdom is completely biblical and at the same time steeped in experience and organic learning. God is always teaching them something in their life and so they always have new examples of what God did for them, what He is teaching them, and the things they have recently discovered about Him.

Their wisdom comes from the Word going in and processed through their lives, experiences, and thoughts and it becomes this tangible thing that passes faith and becomes knowledge.

Knowledge that God is real and that He is guiding and teaching.

One of the thing that brings this to a halt is trying to control what you are learning.

I'm learning a particularly hard lesson right now and I feel like I'm going to burst into tears every minute. There are times when I just don't want to go on but a choice is set before me and I can either prove God by making the right choice according to the things He's brought me through thus far or I can sit down and not move because I'm tired and I can't do this.

The right choice is obviously to go on and prove God and learn and grow.

I was feeling particularly sad last week and there were things that were being said that were making me feel even worse. I was very cast down and I felt ashamed that I was sad and confused and had no where to turn. 

On Sunday mornings while we get ready for church I tune in to Bible Believers Baptist Church's (of Jacksonville, Florida) live stream- they're three hours ahead of us- and that Sunday pastor Peacock was preaching about God's love and

Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my

tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy

book?

Psalm 56:8

It was a great comfort to me to hear that my tears are in a bottle up in heaven for a memorial because God loves us and Jesus understands. Pastor Peacock was talking about how God sees how hard things are and He knows how we worry and can be afraid despite the scripture that tells us we don't need to be. 

I'm actually feeling even worse now than I did last week but I can give you many examples of the tender mercies God has showered on me this week. Just little kindnesses here and there, He made big decisions transparent, He lead me to the right places at the right time, He's given me little comforts that give me temporary relief. He is good.

He lifted me up and helped me go on. I think I was sad and heard that message to prepare me for greater sadness this week. Had I tried to control what God was teaching me, had I hardened myself against God because of the trouble, I would be sinking.

Another thing that stops biblical learning is our opinions.

There are things I've been noticing in my bible class that I do not like. It's nothing terrible, it's things I experienced when I was that age, and as an adult I don't like it.

As I was preparing my lesson for this week and I was pulling something out of scripture to teach the girls I noticed it was very similar to most of the other lessons I had taught. 

There's two ways to look at it-

1) This is by God's design and He wants it repeated through different passages and different people in the bible

2) My opinion of the things I see and don't like is colouring what I intend to teach them no matter what the passage is about

In this case, option two is what is happening. I know it because God brought it up.

It is possible to have a biblical message that has to do with the passage you're teaching from that has nothing to do with what God wants you to teach.

I'm just realizing that not only is teaching my opinions harmful but allowing them to rule what I teach is equally if not more harmful.

I was going to start with this but I may as well end with it.

I have great respect for Peter Ruckman for a variety of reasons. I don't worship him or anything, nor do I run to Him to find out what a passage of scripture means.

I heard him tell this story once and it is something I always remember:

He became the pastor of a church where some of the women were wearing really short skirts and some men had long hair. He said he just preached the Word every Sunday. Some people came up to him and asked why he didn't address the skimpy clothes and all that. I'm not sure what he answered, if at all, but he said he just kept preaching the Word every Sunday without fail, never addressing the 'problems' the legalistic brethren were bringing up.

Slowly but surely the skirts got longer and the hair got shorter.

That's not to say that short skirts and long hair on men means they're not spiritual but the change is a testament to what God was doing.

Whatever I think is going on, whatever my opinion of it, I just need to teach the Word because 

So shall my word be that goeth forth out

of my mouth: it shall not return unto me

void, but it shall accomplish that which I

please, and it shall prosper in the thing

whereto I sent it.

Isaiah 55:11

My teaching is not going to change anyone.

Is not my word like as a fire? saith the

LORD; and like a hammer that breaketh the

rock in pieces?

Jeremiah 23:29

The Word will do His job. My interfering with it by inserting my opinions and letting myself be guided by what I see will only harm those I am trying to help. God knows what they need. I'll just be His instrument to teach what He wants, free from my interference. 

God Leads Us Along

One of the things I am most grateful for is the Lord's leadership.
As easily as I can say that all those that have led me have failed me in some way or another, I can say that I have failed those I have led countless times. The Lord's leadership has never failed me, His influence has never failed me, His guidance has never failed me.
Sometimes it's really simple, as in, 'eat something and you're mind will be clearer' or 'sleep on it'. And those things do make a difference- it's not always run to the Bible because often our motive for running to the bible is to prove ourselves right.
Sometimes it's more complicated and I find myself in an uncomfortable situation for the sole purpose of revealing something in me that has to go. Whether it's my fault or someone else's, my behaviour- all our behaviours- is dictated by what is inside, what our true desires are, and what we hide in our hearts.
A little while ago my husband made a mistake and it made things very uncomfortable for us. I asked him a bit about it and his answer was 'I made a mistake'. I could risk an argument or content myself with that answer so I contented myself with that answer, wondering at how such a mistake could be made. Maybe a week later I had an opportunity to do something and- wouldn't you know- I made a mistake. It cost me a whole nights sleep (not kidding) and some other things I won't mention. When I finally got some sleep and had some time to ponder the Lord gently said, 'how could you make such a mistake?' and with my own words He condemned me. My only answer could be 'I made a mistake'; there's nothing more to it than that I could not be better informed than I was but I had still judged poorly and made a mistake.
I had to smile that the INCREDIBLY merciful way God taught me that but also I had to marvel at His way of giving me my desire.
One of my desires when it comes to my husband is that I reverence him the way the Lord wants me to. It ties into these verses:

The heart of her husband doth safely

trust in her, so that he shall have no need of

spoil.

She will do him good and not evil all the

days of her life.

Proverbs 31:11-12

and

Nevertheless let everyone of you in

particular so love his wife even as himself;

and the wife see that she reverence her

husband.

Ephesians 5:33

So while my husband may not know the things that go on in my head, God does and He knows what I really truly desire and He is bringing me about to accomplish that desire even though it puts me in uncomfortable situations. 

God can and will use our mistakes for our own benefit- if we let Him.

These are those little things that show us God is real and that He cares.

I made a mistake in my own leadership recently and so my mind has been turned on to leadership. 

Though I've been hurt by leaders before, I feel more keenly now more than ever the pain a leader can bring to those that are following them.

I was recently told by someone that something had happened in their life partially because 'those who should have been there weren't'. That phrase still strikes me a month later because I am looking at someone who, though their leaders were not the culprits, was harmed by their leadership.

I've thought on my own actions along side those of certain leaders in my life and realized how sometimes my actions were dictated and taken in despair because of what that leader was (or was not) doing.

Inevitably I've really truly begun to see the gravity of leadership- especially in Spiritual matters.

The most challenging part is that the small things matter the most and make the biggest difference.

As one who is under authority I will say that the most painful thing for me is when I am trying my best, working hard, my heart is right with what I know but I happen to be erring and the leader does not say anything or treats my mistakes with contempt and ridicule. I will say that most of the time my feelings get hurt by someone else (leader or not) is when they don't deal with me directly and tell me something that I am missing. It makes me feel like they don't like me enough to tell me, they think my heart is in the wrong place, or they don't care about what I'm doing.

As one who is in authority I will say that the hardest thing for me (and probably the majority of leaders) is to see those under me doing things that hurt others and themselves and though I warn and warn and warn against it, they make no changes and have to deal with the repercussions. 

Even though our leaders hurt us and aren't always right, we are responsible for our actions.

Recently someone keeps shooting (figuratively) at me. I'm not going to lie, it really hurts. As I've pondered it, God has brought me to my own actions and my own thoughts. He's reminded me of the things I know through experience. He's shown me what those shots reveal about me.
As a man thinketh in his heart so is he and I've seen, in my criticisms of this person that I am guilty of the same things but in a different way. 

While these things are particularly painful, I see God's hand in them, strengthening me and molding me. I'm not sure this person is right in what they are doing but it's not up to me to justify or condemn them. I can only look at my reaction to it. I am trying to humble myself through it, learn from it, and maybe God will have mercy and turn it from me.

While we must be discreet in our thoughts and actions toward our leaders, the leaders must be aware that their actions and words will have an effect no matter what their motives are for the way they act.
It's obvious that mistakes happen but what will heal and build trust is the reaction toward those mistakes. Leaders with the best motives will make mistakes and I believe God is merciful and will give those leaders the chance to prove that their heart was right despite their actions.
That's not to say that the damage will not be great and take a long time to heal.
I do believe, from my experience, that if your heart is right that God will teach you in a smaller lesson than a bigger one. I think sometimes big lessons come in when you need a heart change and a behavioural change.

And back to where I began- I'm grateful for God's leadership. I'm grateful I can rely on Him to lead me exactly where I need to go and point my thoughts in the right direction. It's hard to be heavenly minded when you live in this world and are constantly bombarded by the world, the flesh, and the devil. Still, God is faithful and He will lead you to what's right.

Sechelt

I feel like I say this all the time when absent from writing but it's always true- I did not intend to be away for so long. If I was not writing today it would be three weeks since my last post.
Those weeks have been very busy- our church put on a community carnival and it took a lot of work.
My brother-in-law made this promo video for it- PCBC Community Carnival- which I intended to share before the carnival but better late than never I suppose.
After the carnival I had lots of little projects to work on and then my sister and I took our boys away.

My aunt lives in a tiny town called Sechelt

She's lived there as long as I can remember- I think she moved there just after her marriage more than 25 years ago- and some of my best memories from childhood are summers spent there going to the beach every day, going on walks and hikes, and playing dress up with my cousins.
It's one of those things I am particularly thankful for knowing that not many people have a place like that to go to.

Here is my son on a very familiar beach

So my sister and I finally brought our sons up to Sechelt. Our aunt has been on us almost all year to bring them up and we finally got around to going. At least, I finally summoned up the strength to attempt the drive.

One of the things I annoy my son with is gushing over places and things I remember as a child. I wasn't so gushy on this trip since I've taken him up there a few times before but I love bringing him to places I loved as a child. It is a great blessing to me to have places and things so familiar from years gone by to bring him to and let him enjoy. I guess that's why I'm not much of a traveller and why I've never had any desire to go too far from where I was raised.

There's a section on that beach in the picture above called 'The Big Rocks'- just a bunch of big rocks together that are fun to climb and there are pools of sea creatures and barncles. I haven't been able to bring Bo to that yet. We didn't get a chance this trip and he was too little to stand the walk on previous trips. It's something I can look forward to showing him- he will love it.

Besides the beach, there is the duck pond. I tried to take a panorama of it but it turned out as you see above. The local pet store sells duck food for you to bring to the pond and throw to the ducks. There weren't as many ducks as I've seen there in the past but my son was able to feed quite a few of them. On a previous visit they were coming right up to him and eating out of his hand.

Here is a picture of a picture of little me at the duck pond long ago. My aunt had a bunch of photos she was organizing and had them all out to show us.
Yet another thing I am grateful for- that my aunts took lots of photos of us while we grew. Many things I saw in those pictures I had completely forgotten and some of them reminded us of things we used to be.
More than a year ago, a few months after I had quit Facebook, my sister-in-law requested I create an Instagram account for my son so that she could see pictures of him every day. I did create it and I post on it mostly every day. Sometimes I miss a day when nothing is happening or I don't have time to post. I get pointed comments from people about how I always seem to be taking pictures of my son. Yes I do and it's not for me. I've lived long enough to understand it doesn't matter what people think you're doing and what they think about why you're doing it. In the end, God knows the truth and it only matters what he thinks.
Looking at my aunt's old pictures made me grateful to look back and remember what was. It also renewed my gratefulness that our relatives that live far away can keep up with my son's growth and know what is going on with him.

 We also went to a provincial park called Porpoise Bay. We hunted for crabs and Bo named one 'Ouchy' and another one 'Big' who became 'Big Rocky'. My nephew loves 'wa-wa' as he calls it and my sister has a time keeping her grip on him when it comes to big bodies of water.

Other than places around Sechelt there's my aunt's house where we were staying. Her homes always have lots of character and I love them. She always has a garden going and just loves flowers.

Her pathway is made up of little rocks and the boys played in it like it was a sand box.

We had lots of raspberries and tomatoes to eat but my aunt also has arugula growing everywhere. It was so potent and spicy I found myself plucking the leaves and eating them constantly. I wish I had grown arugula in my garden.

excuse my heel

The day we left was dumping rain but it was a good, safe trip home. The boys were exhausted but it was a good exhaustion.

Stormy seas

So that was why I wasn't writing.
I had a lot on my mind these few weeks and I will hopefully be able to sit down to write about it.

Six Years

Yesterday (August 15) was my husband and my sixth anniversary.

You can read about my fifth anniversary here.

My husband had a few errands to run and he took our son with him so I had more than five hours to myself. I didn't expect to be left alone morning but my plans didn't change in the slightest- I cleaned the whole house.
Yep, that's my gift to my husband- a thoroughly clean house.
It may not seem like much, but he likes his space to be clean. Something we've learned this past year is to appreciate the small things- the small kindnesses, the small acts of sweetness, the small gestures, the small considerations. Big gestures are nice but we're not always capable of those.
For example, I know my husband loves my son and I because he works hard every day. My husband knows I love him because I know it's important to him to have a clean kitchen so I take care to thoroughly clean it everyday. They're not glamorous things but they're tokens of our commitment to each other.  Overlooking the small, everyday things will cause you to be ungrateful and unsatisfied.

When we first started hanging out in January 2010 we would walk around downtown and in and out of shops. I had to get used to walking around with him- his height kept throwing me off. On one occasion we ended up in Sears and found our way to the furniture floor- specifically the couch section. We sat talking for a long time.
Last night we dropped our son off at my sister's, ate dinner, then strolled around the mall. We wound up in a department store and on a couch.
It was a selfie moment:

I remember sitting on those Sears couches and loving how witty and funny he was, enjoying the things he noticed and he way he put things.

As we continued to hang out there were things I liked about him- his love for God and his knowledge of the bible, this aloof quality he has that I find very attractive, his firm sense of logic, his equanimity, his gentleness- when we became a couple I began to love these things and they are the same things I love about him to this day. In all my time with him, from when we first started hanging out until now, I've just loved being around him. As the years roll on those first things get enforced and enforced again. We don't change like the world changes, we change the way God changes us- and He never changes us away from each other. We will never outgrow each other, we will never 'have different goals' or 'different paths' or whatever nonsense capricious people make up to justify breaking their commitment. 

Still and more so, we just love being together, we just love the simple things, we just take pleasure in being at home. While circumstances change and we are led through peaks and valleys, the first things remain unchanged: we love God and we love each other. 

In this sixth year of marriage I am grateful that God has taught us everything we need to know to get us to this point, He has led us here, He is holding us up, He has made it so that we are what we need to be for each other.
It has been said that a happy home is the closest thing to heaven on earth and I have to agree. Even though the circumstances of the home may not always be happy, we can still have the peace and pleasure we find in each other. 

God is so good!

Close to God

One of the traps we fall into as more mature Christians is thinking that we're close to God because we read our bible, pray every day, fast occasionally, go to church for every service, and generally avoid all appearance of evil.
Those are all good things, no question about it, but I'm realizing more and more that those things don't necessarily bring you close to God.
Have you ever been at some sort of a function and eaten whatever you wanted to to your hearts content? Burger, fries, pizza, baked potatoes, fried chicken, mashed potatoes, lasagna, washing it down with punch, and pop before downing ice cream cake, chocolate cake, cupcakes, cookies, donuts, and a sundae.
On the occasions I have allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted to I've felt incredibly fat and gross after. While all those things sound delicious and are delicious, you can generally only really enjoy them one at a time and in a moderate dose. You have to enjoy them properly.
I am relating eating all that 'good' stuff to doing all that 'good' (reading, praying, church going etc...) stuff in my life because I feel spiritually 'fat' afterwards but I am not nourished or any closer to God for them.

You wake up early on a Sunday, do your devotions, pray for the upcoming service, you put your best clothes on to go to the house of the Lord, you teach, you help out, you sing, you listen and learn, you stay late and fellowship and you feel all good about yourself but when you go home and really think about it, you're not much better off than you were while you were sleeping on Saturday night.
What did you really do by doing all that, who were you serving, who was it for? Did God really get the glory in it?
For me, and I'm willing to bet most christian's I know and fellowship with, I do those things because I like to, I enjoy it, it's part of my being.
I grew up going to church because my parents went to church and I had no choice. Now that I am an adult, I have my own relationship with Jesus and I go to church because its part of a healthy relationship with God, I love church, and I need church. Between growing up in church and choosing to continue to go now, I can say that going to church is who I am- it is apart of me and not being able to go would leave a very big hole in my life.
It's the same as reading my bible and studying it- it's part of who I am.
So if it's part of who I am, what I enjoy doing, is it really glorifying God? Is it really bringing me closer to Him?

What I have come to realize is that maintaining real and deep closeness to the Lord  empties you- it requires sacrifice. It's like being lean but fit.

And Ornan said unto David, Take it to

thee, and let my lord the king do that which

is good in his eyes: lo, I give thee the oxen

also for burnt offerings, and the threshing

instruments for wood, and the wheat for the

meat offering; I give it all.

And king David said to Ornan, nay; but I 

will verily buy it for the full price: for I will not

take that which is thine for the LORD, nor

offer burnt offerings without cost.

So David gave to Ornan for the place six

hundred shekels of gold by weight.

1 Chronicles 21:23-35

David wants to buy a threshing floor from Ornan to sacrifice to the Lord and Ornan tells him he will give him the threshing floor and the oxen for the sacrifice. David declines because it's not a true sacrifice to the Lord if it does not cost the one who is sacrificing anything.

And Elijah took twelve stones, according

to the number of the tribes of the sons of

Jacob, unto whom the word of the LORD

came, saying, Israel shall be thy name:

And with the stones he built an altar in

the name of the LORD: and he made a

trench about the altar, as great as would

contain two measures of see.

And he put the wood in order, and cut the

bullock in pieces, and laid him on the wood,

and said, fill four barrels with water, and

pour it on the burnt sacrifice, and on the

wood.

And he said, Do it the second time. And

they did it the second time. And he said, Do

it the third time. And they did it the third time.

And the water ran round the altar;

and he filled the trench also with water.

1 Kings 18:31-35

This takes place during a grievous drought; in a test to see which god is the true God, Elijah pours over the sacrifice the most precious commodity in the land- water. If you don't know the end of the account-

Then the fire of the LORD fell, and

consumed the burnt sacrifice, and the wood,

and the stones, and the dust, and licked up

the water that was in the trench.

And when all the people saw it, they fell

on their faces: and they said, The LORD, he is

the God; the LORD, he is the God.

1 Kings 18:38&39

Almost immediately after, there fell a 'great rain'. 

In both the accounts above it is evident that the Lord responds to real sacrifice and real sacrifice means that there is a cost involved- in David's case, money, in Elijah's case, water. 

I can say really easily that going to church, getting involved, reading my bible, praying, sometimes even fasting are easy for me to do. I have done all those things for years and they have become part of who I am- I am God's child, these are the things His children do if they want to be in fellowship with Him. However, being close to God requires sacrifice and while those things listed are good and edifying, oftentimes they do not require sacrifice.

My pastor spoke about rest in his Sunday morning sermon and he mentioned that that night (we don't have evening service one Sunday a month) he didn't intend to pick up his bible and read it.

I began to think about that and wonder if maybe I feel like I need to read the bible a lot because I'm trying to feel close to God. While he preached I found myself shamefully wondering if my constant need to read another chapter or get off alone to pray was a way for me to compensate for not being close to God.

God teaches me a lot, He's teaching me a lot right now, He's answering a lot of questions I have- which I will share eventually. But knowledge isn't evidence of closeness. Fellowship is not evidence of closeness. There are people in my church who I fellowship with, I love, I help but I am not close to them. That's fine, you can't be close to everybody but you should fellowship and be close to God.

I've been a Christian for years and I know what to do to be a 'good' christian. What I realized is that I want to be close to God but retain all my creature comforts. In other words, I don't want to sacrifice the things that make my flesh happy to be close to God. In other other words, I'm happy to do the easy things to be in fellowship with God but I am unwilling to make the little everyday sacrifices to walk closely with him.
I am unwilling to sacrifice my will for God's will.

On Youtube, for example, I was watching a Pokemon Go vlog because I'm not going to play the game but I was very curious about it. Of course I got hooked on the vlog and I had to watch the newest one every day. The videos averaged 15 minutes or so, there's no cussing in them, no graphic images, there is some blasphemy but not a lot, I really enjoyed them but I was under constant conviction that I should not watch them. Every time I would watch one I would think to myself that it's okay, I'm just taking a little break, this is harmless- except, God didn't want me to watch them.
At the end of the day it doesn't really matter why I shouldn't watch them and frankly I don't care why. It might seem like a trifle to others but it was preventing me from being close to God. It's not like I can apologize for watching it one day and then watch it the next day. It's either the vlog or my relationship with God. So I stopped watching it. It's not a big sacrifice or anything but it's me, sacrificing my will to God. I still want to watch them but I don't, that vlog is not worth my relationship with God.
Don't shake your head like these little things don't matter. If you obey in the small things, God will trust you with bigger things. If you're stuck in a rut in your Christian life, if you don't seem to be moving forward or being taught anything it's because you haven't done anything with what God has already put in front of you. As soon as I made up my mind just to stop watching, God taught me all this.
I know that is a silly, small example but it's the very thing that I am talking about in this post. The little everyday choices we make that either bring us close to God or take us away from Him.
Driving is another example- the speed limit is the law. Is your relationship with God really worth speeding? I like driving fast but my willingness to obey the speed limit is another small, everyday thing that will really show God whether you are serving yourself or serving Him.

The last time I fasted I tried to go for longer than I've ever fasted before (which is not that long by the way) and it was not easy at all. In those extra hours I fasted and it became a real sacrifice to refrain from eating, I finally learned that it's real sacrifice that draws you close to God.

Cry aloud, spare not, lift up thy voice like a

trumpet, and shew my people their 

transgression, and the house of Jacob their sins.

Yet they seek me daily, and delight to know

my ways, as a nation that did righteousness,

and forsook not the ordinance of their God:

they ask of me the ordinances of justice;

they take delight in approaching to God.

Wherefore have we fasted, say they, and

thou seest not? wherefore have we afflicted

our soul, and thou takest no knowledge?

Behold, in the day of your fast ye find

pleasure, and exact all your labours.

Behold, ye fast for strife and debate, and

to smite with the fist of wickedness: ye shall

not fast as ye do this day, to make your voice 

to be heard on high.

Is it such a fast that I have chosen? a day

for a man to afflict his soul? is it to bow

down his head as a bulrush, and to spread

sackcloth and ashes under him? wilt thou

call this a fast, and an acceptable day unto the

LORD?

Isaiah 58:1-5

The purpose of fasting is to starve your flesh and feed your spirit. Eating is a primal need, it's what keeps our physical bodies going and abstaining from that shows our flesh that it is inherently wicked, it needs to stave, it needs to die but we are stuck in it until our souls are called Home (Romans 8).

In the above passage, the people are fasting but to their own ends. They are not fasting to afflict their souls, bow down their heads, and mourn therefore God does not hear them, He does not regard their fasting, it's as if they're not fasting.
I am not saying God does not regard my going to church, reading, praying, fasting, etc. The fact is, that those things serve me as much as they are evidence of my serving God. It is no thing to me to go to church three times a week. I love the fellowship, singing hymns, I really love preaching, I love praying, I just love church. My going to church is not evidence that I am close to God- it may be to the world but I know it is not for me. My going to church is not a sacrifice for me. It is good, well pleasing to the Lord, but choosing to put on the breaks to go from 61 to 60 when the speed limit is 60 is a far greater token of my desire to be close to God. What's the point of going to church if I'm going to break the law all the way there?

If thou turn away thy foot from the

sabbath, from doing thy pleasure on my holy

day; and call the sabbath a delight, the holy

of the LORD, and honourable; and shalt honour

him, not doing thine own way, nor finding

thine own pleasure, nor speaking thine own

words:

Then shalt thou delight thyself in the

LORD; and I will cause thee to ride upon the

high places of the earth, and feed thee with

the heritage of Jacob thy father: for the

mouth of the LORD hath spoken it.

Isaiah 58:13&14

(side note, Isaiah 58 is a great chapter to read before or during a fast)

So though I do get up early and study, I take time to go to church and take steps to be involved in it, those things, while good, edifying, and fruitful do not necessarily bring me closer to God. 

The things that bring me closer to God are doing His way, finding His pleasure, and speaking His words in the little things that no one notices. God knows and He'll reward you for it up in Heaven.

It has only been a few days since I've really learned this but I've already noticed a greater peace and more security in knowing that I'm doing right.
I used to go through my whole day almost worrying that I wasn't in God's will and walking close to Him because I hadn't read my bible in the last two hours. Now, I know that if I just make the right decisions every minute and let God really and truly control my day, I will be close to Him even if I go 10 hours without reading.
This will go for everything except praying (we are instructed to pray without ceasing). If we just make His decisions instead of our own, we will read when we need to (extra reading beside set devotions), fast when we need to and as long as we need to, witness the right way, and be a bigger blessing and more fruitful at church.

He must increase, but I must decrease.

John 3:30

I hope I explained this right, and that it's a blessing to you!