Suck It Up

So in case you haven't noticed, things have changed a lot for my family and I since the beginning of September.
We're adapting the best we can and it helps that our son is very flexible. All the changes mean he's been going to bed between nine and eleven o'clock most nights then getting up early. He's been a trooper about it. We've also been unable to attend the things we would normally attend which is kind of a bummer but it's just the reality of our situation right now.

People keep asking me how I feel about going back to work and I've been telling them that I'm still figuring out my feelings on the matter.
When it finally sunk in that I was going back to work I was absolutely wretched about it. It meant I had to leave my son and not be at home to take care of everything. As the time approached I began to be excited about the change- curious about what it would do to our family and interested to see what it would reveal about me. When work finally started, I found it very restful to be away. We were opening a brand new store which is very busy and exciting. Now that excitement of opening has died down, I find work a lot less restful and a lot more to worry about. We're having staffing issues so I'm unable to spend as much time in the backroom as I need to. There's also Christmas coming up and I hate Christmas in retail.
Part of me is pretty whiny about having to go back to work. Frankly it depresses me that I'm working again. When I left my job in January 2013, a month before I gave birth to my son, I intended never again to go to work. My 'job' would be taking care of my husband, baby, and home.
Now I'm back in a retail store, having to smile at customers, NOT looking forward to the craze of Christmas, and trying to do everything to the best I can do while many of my coworkers don't.
The fact is I don't want to work at all.
The other part of me, whenever I get complain-y in my mind, is ever there to chime in 'suck it up'. Working outside my home is not what I want but it is what is necessary right now. There are two women in my life right now that work out of necessity for their families. Every time I look at my schedule and heart drops at the hours I have to put in, I think of those two women- they do so much more than I do. We do what we have to do for our families and it does take self sacrifice. I'm very fortunate that my husband can watch my son most times and my sister is there to watch him when neither of us can (thanks so much, Aber).
I'm incredibly grateful for the women in my life and the way God points things out about them to me to give me perspective on things going on in my life. It's not a physical struggle I am going through with this. This is a mental struggle wherein I need to control my thoughts and keep my mind. The most helpful people when it comes to things going on in your mind are the people who don't really say or do anything to help you. I was down a little while ago and I was with a woman from church and she just told me about her experiences. She didn't advise me and tell me what to do. She just told me what had happened to her. It was all the strength I needed. When it comes to the ladies that are most helpful in getting my mind in the right place- they have never said anything, they just go quietly about their business serving God. They may never know what a blessing it is to me, how their sacrifices helped more than just their family. The biggest blessing about it, is that they're doing it when no one is watching, for no other reason than that its the right thing.
It is seriously the worst when people come up and give you all kinds of advice and all their 'knowledge' on things they really don't know about- because no one ever knows anything about what's going on with you. Inevitably when things are going wrong, people question whether you're in God's will or not or think you sinned so you're being punished. It makes it harder when you yourself keep asking those questions and God gives you an answer and you're sure of it. The woman who helped me on my down day told me one thing and it had nothing to do with me- 'we were right in the middle of God's will but we were struggling'. No one knows the recesses of someone else's mind. No one can know the deep dark thoughts, the questions, the tears, the struggles you go through just to get through a bad day. Yet they see small part of it at some point or another, put on the 'Holy Spirit' suit, and try to tell you what they think God wants you to hear. You. Don't. Know. You don't know the passages of scripture we read, what we pray for, the way God answers, the way God leads.
Unsolicited advice is never heeded- as I like to say and as many like to say. Just shut up and do right and you will encourage and influence the people who need it most.

And so, I am working because God put me there. The way the job came up, the way it was offered, the position I have, the experience that I have, have all clearly been designed by God.
There are three things lately that have put me in rough spots, spots I do not like, would never approve of, but God has given me the wisdom to see the good those things have done and the benefit to our family.
He always gives you the grace to do His will, and if you look at it His way instead of your own way, He'll teach you things and show you why you're there.
Over the last few weeks I've been able to spend lots of time in my backroom talking to my stock people and I've been able to share the gospel with three of them.
Going in, I knew my focus had to be winning souls and I forget where I was when this verse was read to me- either in church or a ladies bible study I've been going to:

For even the Son of man came not to be

ministered unto, but to minister, and to give

his life a ransom for many.

Mark 10:45

I'm not comparing myself to Christ and I'm not saying I'm giving my life for the people I'm working with.

When this was read to me I heard 'came not to be ministered unto, but to minister' and it occurred to me that that's why I'm working, I'm working where I'm working, and I'm working with the people I'm working with. I'm there to minister to others. 

I hope this helps you in some small way.

Work

Once again it has been a long time since I have written.
Once again it's not for the lack of interest but for the lack of time.

Things have been going on in my house that have in many ways paralyzed us and only the necessary things have been done.
Another thing is I unexpectedly came across a job and I'm now working part time. Initially I was only supposed to help open the store (it's a clothing store) but I was offered a job as their stock/ops manager.
It was all very sudden and we prayed lots about it and we are confident that taking it and pursuing it is the Lord's will.
I was offered another job but chose not to take it- after praying very hard about it- and it turned out to be the absolute right decision. Had I not made that decision myself, it would have been made for me.

Being back at work is not so bad. It gives me time away from home where I don't have to worry about my son or making sure I'm being productive. I find myself a lot more peaceful now because I get more quiet time than I had been throughout the summer.
I've noticed the bond between my son and husband is stronger because they're spending more time together and my son is more independent now.
It will be interesting balancing work and home but I am looking forward to that challenge.
I am most pleased that I will mostly NOT be working on the floor dealing with customers. The back room is my domain and I am in charge of it. We are an outlet store so we will have lots of stock coming in every week. I also get a discount on clothes which makes me happy.

There's lots to write about but my mind is not so clear as to allow me to write it for others to read.
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers, if you are indeed praying for us.

Prayer Request

Hi,

I don't often, or ever on this blog, ask for prayer but my husband and I need particular prayer. If you could spare a few moments and intercede for us, we would be very thankful.

-Grace

Opinions

One of the things I try my hardest to avoid when teaching and writing is my opinion. I know that sounds funny but remember that I teach and write about scripture and spiritual matters.

I know from experience that if you harp on your opinions too much people get hurt. They will either begin to take it personally even if you don't mean it that way or you can wind up leading them astray or skewing their motives because they begin to see your opinion as biblical truth.

My opinion is that it is best to spend quiet time with God in the morning before anything else happens. However, on nights I can't sleep I get up and do my devotions then and sleep in the next morning. Am I far away from God because I did my devotions a lot earlier in the morning? Nope.

If in class I tell my girls all the time that they better start the day with devotions or they won't be well equipped to handle their days and walk close to God, I'll make them think that not getting up early and doing their devotions is a sin. Worse still I'll make them stressed out and worried because they can't get up early enough to spend enough time in the bible. Worse still is I have five girls going out and judging others for not doing their devotions in the morning.

Am I making sense?

We're not all the same person so God requires different things from each of us. Maybe nightly, afternoonly devotions is better and more edifying for others. All I know is that christians should spend time with God. WHEN and HOW they do it is between them and God.

I write this blog as a testament to what God is teaching me. Incidentally my favourite teaching on the bible comes from people who clearly have an ongoing, close, and growing relationship with God. Their wisdom is completely biblical and at the same time steeped in experience and organic learning. God is always teaching them something in their life and so they always have new examples of what God did for them, what He is teaching them, and the things they have recently discovered about Him.

Their wisdom comes from the Word going in and processed through their lives, experiences, and thoughts and it becomes this tangible thing that passes faith and becomes knowledge.

Knowledge that God is real and that He is guiding and teaching.

One of the thing that brings this to a halt is trying to control what you are learning.

I'm learning a particularly hard lesson right now and I feel like I'm going to burst into tears every minute. There are times when I just don't want to go on but a choice is set before me and I can either prove God by making the right choice according to the things He's brought me through thus far or I can sit down and not move because I'm tired and I can't do this.

The right choice is obviously to go on and prove God and learn and grow.

I was feeling particularly sad last week and there were things that were being said that were making me feel even worse. I was very cast down and I felt ashamed that I was sad and confused and had no where to turn. 

On Sunday mornings while we get ready for church I tune in to Bible Believers Baptist Church's (of Jacksonville, Florida) live stream- they're three hours ahead of us- and that Sunday pastor Peacock was preaching about God's love and

Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my

tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy

book?

Psalm 56:8

It was a great comfort to me to hear that my tears are in a bottle up in heaven for a memorial because God loves us and Jesus understands. Pastor Peacock was talking about how God sees how hard things are and He knows how we worry and can be afraid despite the scripture that tells us we don't need to be. 

I'm actually feeling even worse now than I did last week but I can give you many examples of the tender mercies God has showered on me this week. Just little kindnesses here and there, He made big decisions transparent, He lead me to the right places at the right time, He's given me little comforts that give me temporary relief. He is good.

He lifted me up and helped me go on. I think I was sad and heard that message to prepare me for greater sadness this week. Had I tried to control what God was teaching me, had I hardened myself against God because of the trouble, I would be sinking.

Another thing that stops biblical learning is our opinions.

There are things I've been noticing in my bible class that I do not like. It's nothing terrible, it's things I experienced when I was that age, and as an adult I don't like it.

As I was preparing my lesson for this week and I was pulling something out of scripture to teach the girls I noticed it was very similar to most of the other lessons I had taught. 

There's two ways to look at it-

1) This is by God's design and He wants it repeated through different passages and different people in the bible

2) My opinion of the things I see and don't like is colouring what I intend to teach them no matter what the passage is about

In this case, option two is what is happening. I know it because God brought it up.

It is possible to have a biblical message that has to do with the passage you're teaching from that has nothing to do with what God wants you to teach.

I'm just realizing that not only is teaching my opinions harmful but allowing them to rule what I teach is equally if not more harmful.

I was going to start with this but I may as well end with it.

I have great respect for Peter Ruckman for a variety of reasons. I don't worship him or anything, nor do I run to Him to find out what a passage of scripture means.

I heard him tell this story once and it is something I always remember:

He became the pastor of a church where some of the women were wearing really short skirts and some men had long hair. He said he just preached the Word every Sunday. Some people came up to him and asked why he didn't address the skimpy clothes and all that. I'm not sure what he answered, if at all, but he said he just kept preaching the Word every Sunday without fail, never addressing the 'problems' the legalistic brethren were bringing up.

Slowly but surely the skirts got longer and the hair got shorter.

That's not to say that short skirts and long hair on men means they're not spiritual but the change is a testament to what God was doing.

Whatever I think is going on, whatever my opinion of it, I just need to teach the Word because 

So shall my word be that goeth forth out

of my mouth: it shall not return unto me

void, but it shall accomplish that which I

please, and it shall prosper in the thing

whereto I sent it.

Isaiah 55:11

My teaching is not going to change anyone.

Is not my word like as a fire? saith the

LORD; and like a hammer that breaketh the

rock in pieces?

Jeremiah 23:29

The Word will do His job. My interfering with it by inserting my opinions and letting myself be guided by what I see will only harm those I am trying to help. God knows what they need. I'll just be His instrument to teach what He wants, free from my interference. 

God Leads Us Along

One of the things I am most grateful for is the Lord's leadership.
As easily as I can say that all those that have led me have failed me in some way or another, I can say that I have failed those I have led countless times. The Lord's leadership has never failed me, His influence has never failed me, His guidance has never failed me.
Sometimes it's really simple, as in, 'eat something and you're mind will be clearer' or 'sleep on it'. And those things do make a difference- it's not always run to the Bible because often our motive for running to the bible is to prove ourselves right.
Sometimes it's more complicated and I find myself in an uncomfortable situation for the sole purpose of revealing something in me that has to go. Whether it's my fault or someone else's, my behaviour- all our behaviours- is dictated by what is inside, what our true desires are, and what we hide in our hearts.
A little while ago my husband made a mistake and it made things very uncomfortable for us. I asked him a bit about it and his answer was 'I made a mistake'. I could risk an argument or content myself with that answer so I contented myself with that answer, wondering at how such a mistake could be made. Maybe a week later I had an opportunity to do something and- wouldn't you know- I made a mistake. It cost me a whole nights sleep (not kidding) and some other things I won't mention. When I finally got some sleep and had some time to ponder the Lord gently said, 'how could you make such a mistake?' and with my own words He condemned me. My only answer could be 'I made a mistake'; there's nothing more to it than that I could not be better informed than I was but I had still judged poorly and made a mistake.
I had to smile that the INCREDIBLY merciful way God taught me that but also I had to marvel at His way of giving me my desire.
One of my desires when it comes to my husband is that I reverence him the way the Lord wants me to. It ties into these verses:

The heart of her husband doth safely

trust in her, so that he shall have no need of

spoil.

She will do him good and not evil all the

days of her life.

Proverbs 31:11-12

and

Nevertheless let everyone of you in

particular so love his wife even as himself;

and the wife see that she reverence her

husband.

Ephesians 5:33

So while my husband may not know the things that go on in my head, God does and He knows what I really truly desire and He is bringing me about to accomplish that desire even though it puts me in uncomfortable situations. 

God can and will use our mistakes for our own benefit- if we let Him.

These are those little things that show us God is real and that He cares.

I made a mistake in my own leadership recently and so my mind has been turned on to leadership. 

Though I've been hurt by leaders before, I feel more keenly now more than ever the pain a leader can bring to those that are following them.

I was recently told by someone that something had happened in their life partially because 'those who should have been there weren't'. That phrase still strikes me a month later because I am looking at someone who, though their leaders were not the culprits, was harmed by their leadership.

I've thought on my own actions along side those of certain leaders in my life and realized how sometimes my actions were dictated and taken in despair because of what that leader was (or was not) doing.

Inevitably I've really truly begun to see the gravity of leadership- especially in Spiritual matters.

The most challenging part is that the small things matter the most and make the biggest difference.

As one who is under authority I will say that the most painful thing for me is when I am trying my best, working hard, my heart is right with what I know but I happen to be erring and the leader does not say anything or treats my mistakes with contempt and ridicule. I will say that most of the time my feelings get hurt by someone else (leader or not) is when they don't deal with me directly and tell me something that I am missing. It makes me feel like they don't like me enough to tell me, they think my heart is in the wrong place, or they don't care about what I'm doing.

As one who is in authority I will say that the hardest thing for me (and probably the majority of leaders) is to see those under me doing things that hurt others and themselves and though I warn and warn and warn against it, they make no changes and have to deal with the repercussions. 

Even though our leaders hurt us and aren't always right, we are responsible for our actions.

Recently someone keeps shooting (figuratively) at me. I'm not going to lie, it really hurts. As I've pondered it, God has brought me to my own actions and my own thoughts. He's reminded me of the things I know through experience. He's shown me what those shots reveal about me.
As a man thinketh in his heart so is he and I've seen, in my criticisms of this person that I am guilty of the same things but in a different way. 

While these things are particularly painful, I see God's hand in them, strengthening me and molding me. I'm not sure this person is right in what they are doing but it's not up to me to justify or condemn them. I can only look at my reaction to it. I am trying to humble myself through it, learn from it, and maybe God will have mercy and turn it from me.

While we must be discreet in our thoughts and actions toward our leaders, the leaders must be aware that their actions and words will have an effect no matter what their motives are for the way they act.
It's obvious that mistakes happen but what will heal and build trust is the reaction toward those mistakes. Leaders with the best motives will make mistakes and I believe God is merciful and will give those leaders the chance to prove that their heart was right despite their actions.
That's not to say that the damage will not be great and take a long time to heal.
I do believe, from my experience, that if your heart is right that God will teach you in a smaller lesson than a bigger one. I think sometimes big lessons come in when you need a heart change and a behavioural change.

And back to where I began- I'm grateful for God's leadership. I'm grateful I can rely on Him to lead me exactly where I need to go and point my thoughts in the right direction. It's hard to be heavenly minded when you live in this world and are constantly bombarded by the world, the flesh, and the devil. Still, God is faithful and He will lead you to what's right.

Sechelt

I feel like I say this all the time when absent from writing but it's always true- I did not intend to be away for so long. If I was not writing today it would be three weeks since my last post.
Those weeks have been very busy- our church put on a community carnival and it took a lot of work.
My brother-in-law made this promo video for it- PCBC Community Carnival- which I intended to share before the carnival but better late than never I suppose.
After the carnival I had lots of little projects to work on and then my sister and I took our boys away.

My aunt lives in a tiny town called Sechelt

She's lived there as long as I can remember- I think she moved there just after her marriage more than 25 years ago- and some of my best memories from childhood are summers spent there going to the beach every day, going on walks and hikes, and playing dress up with my cousins.
It's one of those things I am particularly thankful for knowing that not many people have a place like that to go to.

Here is my son on a very familiar beach

So my sister and I finally brought our sons up to Sechelt. Our aunt has been on us almost all year to bring them up and we finally got around to going. At least, I finally summoned up the strength to attempt the drive.

One of the things I annoy my son with is gushing over places and things I remember as a child. I wasn't so gushy on this trip since I've taken him up there a few times before but I love bringing him to places I loved as a child. It is a great blessing to me to have places and things so familiar from years gone by to bring him to and let him enjoy. I guess that's why I'm not much of a traveller and why I've never had any desire to go too far from where I was raised.

There's a section on that beach in the picture above called 'The Big Rocks'- just a bunch of big rocks together that are fun to climb and there are pools of sea creatures and barncles. I haven't been able to bring Bo to that yet. We didn't get a chance this trip and he was too little to stand the walk on previous trips. It's something I can look forward to showing him- he will love it.

Besides the beach, there is the duck pond. I tried to take a panorama of it but it turned out as you see above. The local pet store sells duck food for you to bring to the pond and throw to the ducks. There weren't as many ducks as I've seen there in the past but my son was able to feed quite a few of them. On a previous visit they were coming right up to him and eating out of his hand.

Here is a picture of a picture of little me at the duck pond long ago. My aunt had a bunch of photos she was organizing and had them all out to show us.
Yet another thing I am grateful for- that my aunts took lots of photos of us while we grew. Many things I saw in those pictures I had completely forgotten and some of them reminded us of things we used to be.
More than a year ago, a few months after I had quit Facebook, my sister-in-law requested I create an Instagram account for my son so that she could see pictures of him every day. I did create it and I post on it mostly every day. Sometimes I miss a day when nothing is happening or I don't have time to post. I get pointed comments from people about how I always seem to be taking pictures of my son. Yes I do and it's not for me. I've lived long enough to understand it doesn't matter what people think you're doing and what they think about why you're doing it. In the end, God knows the truth and it only matters what he thinks.
Looking at my aunt's old pictures made me grateful to look back and remember what was. It also renewed my gratefulness that our relatives that live far away can keep up with my son's growth and know what is going on with him.

 We also went to a provincial park called Porpoise Bay. We hunted for crabs and Bo named one 'Ouchy' and another one 'Big' who became 'Big Rocky'. My nephew loves 'wa-wa' as he calls it and my sister has a time keeping her grip on him when it comes to big bodies of water.

Other than places around Sechelt there's my aunt's house where we were staying. Her homes always have lots of character and I love them. She always has a garden going and just loves flowers.

Her pathway is made up of little rocks and the boys played in it like it was a sand box.

We had lots of raspberries and tomatoes to eat but my aunt also has arugula growing everywhere. It was so potent and spicy I found myself plucking the leaves and eating them constantly. I wish I had grown arugula in my garden.

excuse my heel

The day we left was dumping rain but it was a good, safe trip home. The boys were exhausted but it was a good exhaustion.

Stormy seas

So that was why I wasn't writing.
I had a lot on my mind these few weeks and I will hopefully be able to sit down to write about it.

Six Years

Yesterday (August 15) was my husband and my sixth anniversary.

You can read about my fifth anniversary here.

My husband had a few errands to run and he took our son with him so I had more than five hours to myself. I didn't expect to be left alone morning but my plans didn't change in the slightest- I cleaned the whole house.
Yep, that's my gift to my husband- a thoroughly clean house.
It may not seem like much, but he likes his space to be clean. Something we've learned this past year is to appreciate the small things- the small kindnesses, the small acts of sweetness, the small gestures, the small considerations. Big gestures are nice but we're not always capable of those.
For example, I know my husband loves my son and I because he works hard every day. My husband knows I love him because I know it's important to him to have a clean kitchen so I take care to thoroughly clean it everyday. They're not glamorous things but they're tokens of our commitment to each other.  Overlooking the small, everyday things will cause you to be ungrateful and unsatisfied.

When we first started hanging out in January 2010 we would walk around downtown and in and out of shops. I had to get used to walking around with him- his height kept throwing me off. On one occasion we ended up in Sears and found our way to the furniture floor- specifically the couch section. We sat talking for a long time.
Last night we dropped our son off at my sister's, ate dinner, then strolled around the mall. We wound up in a department store and on a couch.
It was a selfie moment:

I remember sitting on those Sears couches and loving how witty and funny he was, enjoying the things he noticed and he way he put things.

As we continued to hang out there were things I liked about him- his love for God and his knowledge of the bible, this aloof quality he has that I find very attractive, his firm sense of logic, his equanimity, his gentleness- when we became a couple I began to love these things and they are the same things I love about him to this day. In all my time with him, from when we first started hanging out until now, I've just loved being around him. As the years roll on those first things get enforced and enforced again. We don't change like the world changes, we change the way God changes us- and He never changes us away from each other. We will never outgrow each other, we will never 'have different goals' or 'different paths' or whatever nonsense capricious people make up to justify breaking their commitment. 

Still and more so, we just love being together, we just love the simple things, we just take pleasure in being at home. While circumstances change and we are led through peaks and valleys, the first things remain unchanged: we love God and we love each other. 

In this sixth year of marriage I am grateful that God has taught us everything we need to know to get us to this point, He has led us here, He is holding us up, He has made it so that we are what we need to be for each other.
It has been said that a happy home is the closest thing to heaven on earth and I have to agree. Even though the circumstances of the home may not always be happy, we can still have the peace and pleasure we find in each other. 

God is so good!